aesmael: (pangoself)
  1. Because we have a puppy in the house, the house has been divided in two to make managing her easier
  2. This is done by
    1. keeping a door closed at one end of the kitchen
    2. barricading the other end of the kitchen with a wooden panel backed on this side by objects including a stepladder
  3. One of our cats, Lilly, used to spend all her time over the other side, but has taken to napping and spending time over here, probably to avoid the rambunctious puppy
  4. Lilly still likes to spend time on the other side, but she can't walk through closed doors
  5. To fix this, she will stand in front of the closed door and yowl loudly until it is opened for her (such as waking me by being noisy down the hall at 03:00)
  6. I don't know how she keeps getting over here; no one will admit to letting her through
  7. I'm now trying to teach her she can solve her own problems, by carrying her around the corner to the barricade so she'll see that like the other cats she is entirely capable of climbing up and leaping over without human assistance
  8. Everyone is happy?
aesmael: (tricicat)
Dream was weird. About a guy writing a television show which featured a global zombie plague at the same time as ETI first contact, sort of like V if the aliens passed by without making contact and weren't necessarily evil crossed with... I don't know what has zombies like those ones. I Am Legend? The original text, I mean (which were vampires, I'm told, and that the story predates the modern 'zombie plague' concept anyway and was actually one of the originators, all in accordance with the Wikigospel).

Then my brain made up some Batman trivia, like that batarangs were made up by a woman named Barbara who worked in production design, as a criticism of excess in characterisation thematics. Also that she'd worked on a previous film which was the first to use the black on gold text as a sort of logo for Batman because she had invented it then for a character making reference to the superhero - so that the first external reference to the style happened before it officially was the style.

There were other details, but those mostly involve blood, a young undead girl making a nest for herself in her home (and discreetly protecting her unaware living little sister), a writing race between myself and the apparent (fictitious) friend who was writing this show, and an impromptu janitorial musical number / multi-wave slaughter, so perhaps I should refrain.

Mm. Went to bed early, woke up very early, may try and get more sleep.
aesmael: (transformation)
Industry placement thing has been going better, perhaps. Am managing to do more without needing assistance, and more complicated things with. Less nervous too, although today that seemed a bit reversed. Anxious and whimpery today despite managing stuff, and messing up a bit later in the day. Was busy in the afternoon and the noise and... visual busyness were unpleasant.

But I did manage pretty well without having to bother the permanent staff for assistance, except that they need to print for me. I have even less ability to do so than a randomly selected student, as I have no account access in the system at all.

In other news, my mother has a new laptop. She got it, I think, because she has taken up a course of study and wants reliable computer access in order to complete it (a final push it seems) and at her request I have been helping her set it up. Am a bit envious of the machine, being two years newer than mine. However, I did get a lamp out of the deal. Yes, a lovely shiny glorious lamp to keep by my bedside and give light when called upon in the dark.

Speaking of sleep, two nights ago I was woken by a nightmare and, shaking all over, lost two hours before I was able to sleep again. Not great when I needed those hours to be rested for my placement. Fortunately other than that blip my dreams seem to have returned to ordinary far. One a blood-swirling, scalpel-wielding, compulsively murderous young boy who had to be chided not to experimentally kill those around him. The other one featuring family telling me "you always take but never give". So long as I am neither woken nor shaken.

And another 'speaking of'. Speaking of sleep, I should try to get some before the hour grows too late and uncomfortable. So, trying to write first, to get done my personal things.

... and I fell asleep there, making the rest of this written the day after. Must have been tireder than I thought from losing sleep the two previous days - slept about twelve hours, five of those nowhere near my bed. Unfortunately that means rather than being pleased at having managed 221 words of writing (when I had been making slow progress that night and did most of it immediately before sleep), now I am disappointed I fell asleep before finishing this entry and getting to doing any writing at all. Ah well. I take the position I was in need of that sleep, to rest and recover.

Today has been interesting, spending about eight hours (so far) on Skype catching up with a few people I have not seen enough of in the past few days or much longer. Amusing considering I am feeling less social lately and more inclined to persue personal projects. But I like having at least some contact and social channels potentially open, and I am still learning how to regulate that more deliberately so my day does not vanish into a sea of responding to and engaging with people when I meant to be primarily doing something else entirely.

My compulsions seem to be resurfacing a bit at this placement. Not enough to be more than a minor annoyance so far, just little effects like what paths I take through the stacks or balancing tapping patterns when I make contact with something in a 'wrong' way. I suppose this has been a bit suppressed for the past few years since I have been mainly interacting with a keyboard and not so much having opportunities for showing it, so now it comes up that I am a) moving through a more complexly arranged space than home or classrooms and b) not having my hands occupied with typing gives more opportunity for the sorts of contacts that provoke my urge to pattern completion. A lot like sitting in front of a keyboard, typing text limits my ability to stim, especially with my hands, because they are already in motion.
I do not like it when my dreams could be made as horror films.
aesmael: (nervous)
How did that happen? I was supposed to go out tomorrow. *grumble grumble fail grumble*

Is there still time to sleep? I don't want to, or feel sleepy, but I am tired. Perhaps there would be enough time still to be out and about after I wake, and it is worth a try. Leave that other stuff for tomorrow, again.
aesmael: (haircut)
Have been for a while really, since October at the least and my brush with insomnia. This year I have been increasingly reluctant to sleep as my dreams discomfit me, and for years I have been in the habit of staying up until the early hours of the morning, until sunrise even.

Only in the past couple of months, however, have I been actively avoiding sleep. I think it likely I have been subconsciously avoiding sleep; only recently did I realise I have a habit of looking for more and more to to do and read so I do not have to sleep, until I am too tired to stay awake any longer. Lately though I have been feeling increasingly anxious after and around midnight. I feel scared and upset, not conducive moods for sleeping. Mostly I have been pushing myself until it becomes too much effort to be awake.

I think some of it is not wanting to be alone, but I think there are other reasons too. [and right now I want to cry out loud for someone to help me] I don't know exactly what it is. Maybe I am just not happy overall and feel it most at night when everyone being asleep emphasises how alone I am, don't know how to find happiness.

Speaking of happiness, what am I going to write for today's happy post?

I am going to try and find some fun stuff to do. Maybe watch a fun show, read webcomics, work on stories. Also some busywork. Busywork is good. Probably the result will be exhausting myself to sleep again but that is not the goal. Goal is to feel good so I can say "Today has been a happy day, this is the feeling I wish to carry with me into the next day."

It might help too if I start going to bed earlier, probably after my mother but before my sisters so I can feel comforted there is still someone up and about. Maybe stay up overnight tonight and sleep early tomorrow. Requires discipline to continue sleeping early. Maybe I will learn to restrict myself to activities which are at least one of productive and enjoyable, so when I put something down to sleep I can look forward to picking it up again the next day.

Same old, same old goals really. Pervasive problems, pervasive solutions seen from many angles. Learn to have fun and learn to do what I need to do in order to improve my life. Set aside that which helps neither.

Staying up tonight is risky since I would like to have some time with [livejournal.com profile] pazi_ashfeather later, although I think I have neither asked it of nor promised it to her, so at least it is only myself who would be disappointed so far.

Overall, even though there are plenty of good points my life is a pretty sad mess and I have a lot of work to do before I am happy participating in it.

Can I post this public? Yeah, I think I can. In the right sort of mood to believe the world benefits when people show vulnerability as well as the hard stuff. What's that called, grandiose? I often don't feel human, but do think I care enough about them to try as hard as I can to be one.
aesmael: (tricicat)
  • Sekrit alternate ending to current story which betrays the tropes it has been built upon and the reason for writing it in the first place
  • That it is imperative to write yuri and the metafictional superhero mess* that is my next project should be altered to incorporate this
  • It is okay to continue not sleeping

*May not function as described
aesmael: (sudden sailor)
The night before last, I ended up not sleeping. This hampered my plans for writing yesterday. Fortunately I did get some words out of my previous sleepless night, including the final ones of the story. Now I just have to build for them a place to go.

It does feel as if yesterday did not happen, as if a period of time was removed from my life. Not that I am making any accusations, but this is why I want to say "Yesterday, I was surprised to realise..." when a more accurate phrasing would be "Two days ago...". But isn't that just an awkward phrasing? Doesn't flow or feel right at all.

Yesterday, I was surprised to realise how much I have been writing this month. Well, I say 'this month,' but the period in question slips into October too. These things are fuzzy. I was surprised to realise how much I have been writing this month, considering these past few weeks have included what currently feel like some of the worst experiences of my life.

It did not seem at the time like I was writing so much. I have still been having the same struggling to get started as before, but after a hundred or so words until I realise I have consistently been doing significantly more than I would normally have to struggle for. A lot of the lower totals are coming from a lack of distraction-avoidance, I think, as well as occasionally realising I do need to sleep rather than not-write. And this month has included probably two of the three writingest days of my life, certainly since I started counting, and even including the time before that they are almost certainly among the best days of it I have had. There have been higher totals marked but those were often achieved by transcribing longhand stories, which is sort of like cheating.

I still suspect this is helped by focusing on a single story at a time, even if I still get excited about others and want to write those too.

Epic Fantasy
Zokutou word meterZokutou word meterZokutou word meter
11,298 + 577
(5.1% more)


Edit: I suppose I have a bit of a problem with sleep. I keep pushing myself to stay up late and find things to do so I do not have to sleep. At least in part because I keep feeling like I have not done enough to justify rest and leaving the day incomplete, like I need to do and accomplish more or else the day was wasted or over too soon. Another part is just not wanting to sleep. Even when I do not have nightmares (I very rarely have nightmares, certainly less often than I live them waking) my dreams are typically unsettling, disturbing. I don't like sleeping if that is what I have to face when I do.
aesmael: (Electric Waves)
Yes, I wrote more last night and that is a wonderful, terrific thing. Two bursts, later than I would like, as is becoming unfortunate habit.

First, a bit more than four hundred words beginning at 20:00, which was not bad in itself. Then after midnight I broke for a bit to update some programs. It turns out Firefox autoupdate had not informed me of any increments between 3.0.0 and 3.0.3, which seems to be because I do not use the admin account in Vista - when the admin Firefox started automatically after I did the update manually, it unlike the one normally use had the 'check for updates' option not greyed out. Plus on closing the program it asked if I want to save my tabs for next time, something I have also been frustrated about not working for me in Vista. I intend to find out if these have been reported as bugs and, if not, to learn how to file them and make them be reported.

Among the other upgrades I changed OpenOffice.org from 2.4.2 to 3.0.0. Not being informed of that update was also annoying, especially as the 'check for updates' option was actually available and told me there were none after I had discovered elsewhere about 3.0.0 being available. And there was a recent security update after 2.4.2 so even if we are not being informed automatically of version 3, no excuse.

Now I am beginning to wonder if there is something installed on this system which is blocking information about updates (Firefox extensions do fine though, as do several other programs). There better not be; as much as I can I instruct programs to notify me of what they are and are not doing.

And after all this, another burst of writing right before sleep. From about 06:09 to 06:41, another six hundred or so words.

Epic Fantasy
Zokutou word meterZokutou word meterZokutou word meter
10,262 + 1,036
(10.1% more)
aesmael: (transformation)
Dear diary,

Today in class in the computer lab I experienced a strong urge to curl up under my desk and be a cat for the duration. Despite deciding it contrary to the aims of the class to be quadrupedal and non-verbal, I remain curious as to what might have happened had I acquiesced to this feeling.

Yours in correspondence and love,
Summer Snow
aesmael: (friendly)
Keep thinking there is no need for new people in my life because there are plenty of really nifty people there already, yet every so often someone equally shiny turns up. [livejournal.com profile] aepalizage seems rather neat.
aesmael: (tricicat)

Originally published at a denizen's entertainment. You can comment here or there.

[Conducted in relay, edited for coherence]


Trice: You're the anthropologist. Frustrated question: Why don't people realise other people are people too?


Tess: Because we live in a self-serving appeasist culture.


Ami: My sister is an anthropologist too :\


Trice: Some anthropologists are good and some are bad tho.


Trice: At the end of each millennium they battle it out for supremacy.


Tess: <.<


Tess: >.>


Tess: *polishes her katana nervously*


Ami: :o


Ami: There can only be one? :O


Tess: Well, Mr. Leaky. We meet again. May I show you my discovery? *brandishes sword* I call her, "Lucy". Like it!? *manical grin*


Ami: Stay in universities


Ami: since in highlander churches and other religious places


Ami: are where immortals cannot fight.


Ami: I guess for anthropologists their safe place are libraries and university offices? :o


Ami: Mebbe museums? :o


Tess: The last stand will be in the Akkadian exhibit in the British museum...


Trice: Fitting, I suppose...


Trice: Since the Monolith never was found.


Tess: Really? I could never figure out why my mattress is so stiff, black, and occasionally trills...



aesmael: (haircut)
    Got to finalise that job application by tomorrow. Fortunately they allow email submissions or I would have had to send it in by *checks clock* now.

Cut for: Writing talk )

Hrm

2007-07-29 01:17
aesmael: (haircut)
    I reached the 'stop point' (not quite an end) of Technical Perfection. I had to force myself to continue to a point close enough to the end to call it first draft done because that first version is really just a skeleton. It is missing so much I do not think I can call it a proper story at all.
    It might be a coincidence, it might have been the cause, but I am glad I did get to that end when I did because when I did I realised the story needs to be pulled out a bit to one side. Interestingly this also makes it a little more like it was originally supposed to be.

    I also watched TV, but I still do not do reviews.Daleks in Manhattan/Evolution of the Daleks, Criminal Minds and Torchwood. )

    Ho hum. That'll be enough for now. I'm tired, need to sleep. Lots of dog and car washing today and teaching Monroe to fetch. So far she's got the first part right. I should get some sleep. Plenty of stuff to sort out tomorrow, plus a recent idea for a story to spin out. It should work fine on its own but also make a good introduction to a larger James Hoyt story. Then, back to Epic Fantasy *g* I've had my week off (or was it two?).
    Those last lines stirs reminders there is no time for just now. You and I both will have to wait.
aesmael: (nervous)
    I'd like to apologise to everyone I was chatting with today who I dozed off on. Unfortunately I have not slept for too many hours. Fixing that soon. On the other hand I am now three quarters through the first draft of a story (Technical Perfection) which was not even an idea 24 hours ago.
    Granted, it is quite a short draft, only 897 words so far, bit I am still pleased with myself. It will likely become longer on rewrite unless I can discover some beautiful efficiency.

She played on wood and skin of course. Elvish instruments of death.

    Okay, enough self-embarrassment for now. *snores*

aesmael: (sudden sailor)
    The Metatemporal Detective.
aesmael: (it would have been a scale model)
    There. I missed two whole days but still managed a whole 1603* words this week. I won't bore people with a day-by-day breakdown but I am nearly past an unexpected but necessary stretch before some stuff I have been planning to do for years. Not that that guarantees quality. Besides, after that I have to finish it and I have barely anything planned for the final third. Which is odd, considering i am not even writing this story, just telling it.
    Ah well. Dare I hope the rest of my audience is less harsh than OpenOffice.org (autosuggest: 'predictable')? I suppose it could just have meant I am doing it right. I forgot to mention, on Tuesday I had another antitale idea peeking at the back cover of the sequel to a certain recently filmed fantasy novel. That's two, now.
    Writing is great (I'm doing it wrong), creation is beautiful (not enough detail), discovery wonderful (not looking hard enough).
    Off to work out who is captaining the ship now...

Zokutou word meterZokutou word meterZokutou word meter
24 / 45
(53.0%)


Edit: Wordcount +1. Would you believe I forgot a whole character today?

*A fine year. I remember it well...
aesmael: (just people)
    Yes, I was intending to go to sleep after that last post; my head hurts and all. However, I found myself turning over one of [livejournal.com profile] shelleybear 's late posts in my mind, trying to understand how it could have happened.
    The thought that keeps returning to my mind is that the jury has been dishonest in reaching their conclusion. At least, I am assuming events occurred as described in the linked article. Even though I was not there and have no access to any of the evidence I have no reason to believe otherwise (I try to be aware of the provisionality of my knowledge in all cases, usually not explicitly and with the optimistic thought that people realise this. This time I could be bothered.) so for now I think any dishonesty must lie in the verdict.
    Have I rambled into a thicket? I think I have. I say dishonesty because how else can they, with video footage of the assault and the admission of the assaulter, still find these people* guilty?

* )

    There is a disconnect in me. I keep trying and failing to guess at the thought path that would lead people to conclude it is okay to reach the verdict they did. Is there something I am missing? A detail of the trial or law perhaps, if not in the minds of those involved? Perhaps the answer is as simple as 'the jurors were unethical and took advantage of an opportunity to have the legal system punish people they disliked'.
    My mind wandered all the way into how people make decisions about right and wrong and the relatively easy target of Divine Command theory, rubbish idea that it is. The connection is forgotten for now, alas, but I did have a hypothetical debate with a hypothetical proponent of the theory (there are still real ones about) who maintained for the purposes of this train of thought that the killing of human beings is wrong because God says it is wrong.
    Ve attempted to refuse my doubly hypothetical yet based in reality question 'what if God declared it a good act to kill humans of class X (where X is not a category of people who have committed a crime [although if you were to maintain that disobedience toward God were itself a capital crime I suppose they still would be {unless we stipulate also that they have not actually committed any disobedience and merely fall into an identifiable category <parentheticals, whee!>}])?' by claiming 'God would not do that'.
    Of course, I pressed on the matter of, if God's will/decree is what defines right and wrong there is no reason why such a decree should not be made**. Ve claimed, then, that God is eternal, unchanging and necessarily as Ve is or else there could not be existence, therefore such hypothetical questions are invalid because there is no possibility in any reality - it is not a sensible question.
    I consider this to be a concession of the argument since I think it requires some set of principles prior to God which dictate Vis nature and, by extension, what is moral. The original purpose of writing this entire post was to ask if that were a valid objection to my hypothetical question but since in the writing I have concluded it is not I am now asking if I am in fact mistaken. I am sure I have made some unjustified/unjustifiable leap somewhere.
    And of course, one of the dangers of conducting arguments where one takes both sides is a tendency to use weaker arguments for the side not favoured but since there is only one question at stake in this case I have hopefully not been too bad.

**Well, if a previous decree were that right and wrong could not be changed in future there would be, actually. I did not realise this at the time.
aesmael: (friendly)
I wrote a novel about a man who wasn't there.
He wasn't there again in my sequel,
Oh how I wish he'd make some sense.

I did write 236 words tonight, not counting the story I posted earlier. That is a start again.

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