aesmael

Originally published at a denizen's entertainment. You can comment here or there.

Finally, finally done. Half past seven the morning of December 1st. 3,048 words since I woke, 22,183 total in this first draft of the story. So that's well more than 10% I wrote on the last day, seems to be a habit of mine finishing that way.

I managed two of my major goals for the month. Didn't make 50,000 words. Did finish the story. Did do more than double the words I'd written of fiction all year. And now I am very tired and I want to sleep. Somehow got to get back on regular time. So here's the story. I actually liked some of the stuff I wrote in this stretch, maybe that means it is awful. We'll see next time. Goodnight.

( 4064 words )

Current Mood: tired

Originally published at a denizen's entertainment. You can comment here or there.

Another very bad batch of words, but at least it was a pretty productive one so far as words go. This was a NaNoWriMo thing, an effort for the month because I was teetering considering and someone I'm very close to signed up for it, so why not? The goal was to try and write a novel, 50,000 words of the month. Currently we are at 18,119, all of which will have been posted publicly as draft by the time this is readable.

So that's a failure? I don't think so, depending how today and tomorrow go. I set out to tell this particular story, which I thought might have been novel-sized. It turned not to be. We are at nearly 20K words now and right on the cusp of the final sequence(s). So the word count isn't what it was officially supposed to be, but we're at the end of the story and nowhere near that, so it never was going to be. I wasn't sure from the beginning, had a vague idea of doing two successive projects this month (which didn't work out, but might have if I'd kept the WriMo pace). But I'm at the end of the month and the end of the story, however bad its drafting has been, and for me that's pretty good.

I hope I can finish the rest, and then it will be very relieving to move on to something else and maybe do some other stuff I have been neglecting.

(that second goal is the less public one I have been writing to - if the story reaches that mark I will have succeeded in doubling my year's fiction writing in a month)

( 18130 words )

Current Music: Moonlight Sonata - Beethoven

Originally published at a denizen's entertainment. You can comment here or there.

I don't like these words at all. They're awful, and insufficient in number, but we're still trying to get to the end of the story so that's what we have. Bit too foggy to say much here right now. Don't like that; there are things I have to say in these posts which vanish whenever it comes time to write them down.

Here's what we have this time:

( 1192 words )

Current Music: My Oh My (club mix) - Aqua

Originally published at a denizen's entertainment. You can comment here or there.

Long, long delay since last posting here and of this story. I had an idea to put within the story a smaller adventure that could work as its own story and I wanted to finish that bit of digression before putting up any more excerpts. It went longer and slower to write than I was hoping but now the third chapter of the story is drafted enough to post.

Thoughts, thoughts, thoughts. From right after I started it has seemed like this work would come out more like a 20K novella than a 50K novel and it still looks to be that. I have a working week to finish on time, five thousand words to write if I want to meet my personal goal for the month, and probably a fair few more than that of story to go. So after this is posted, back to work and hopefully a thousand words for each of those days.

I don't like how this story has come out so far. That's normal for something I'm actively writing. It has felt more like a skeleton of a story, more hastily dashed outline than fleshed tale. I worry it has become more abbreviated as I continue. I worry I am losing or have lost what little character definition I had to start with. I hope that, in editing, this story can become something I am not ashamed to say I wrote. At worst presumably it becomes a learning experience.

( 'A Simple Run' 6259 words )

Originally published at a denizen's entertainment. You can comment here or there.

Haven't posted updates for a couple of days because while I have been writing my output has not felt substantial enough to merit posting. Have not really got enough for that so far either, but I've been doing some thinking about what to do with this story to regain momentum and the next update, while likely not coming tomorrow, is probably going to be relatively lengthy. So here's a plate-clearing update of wretched writing:

( 1078 words )

Originally published at a denizen's entertainment. You can comment here or there.

Surprisingly I actually managed more than the pace target last night. Probably won't happen again but it was nice to do that for once.

Was disappointed that a scene I had been building to ended up not happening. It turned out not to make sense given everything that had been written so far, so was averted instead.

The cast of this story are supposed to be of Arabic heritage, but I am fairly certain a lot of definitely wrong idioms and details have made it in so far. Am trying not to worry about that for this draft and wait until editing to fit those details to the story (including making significant changes if that proves necessary). Depending how well that works, will consider making such an approach in future too - sort the details and practicalities we don't know after writing the story's skeleton. There will be a lot of that to do, not only for culture.

Currently at 7841 words, should be at 16,667 to be on track. I compare the counts because doing so is easier than not doing it, but I don't really care by this point. I seem to need the occasional day or few off writing anyway, don't know if I will be up to writing more tonight. We shall see, but this is a late start and I'm having an early night.

( 2071 words )

Originally published at a denizen's entertainment. You can comment here or there.

Last night I committed a NaNoWriMo sin. After a couple of hours writing some scenes for Ferideh the story would be improved if these were Algol's scenes instead and rewrote. They ended up longer than before but I wrote much less in total than I'd intended to. Trying to be a bit more disciplined about it tonight.

I've been leaving out the formatting in the story so far, but forgot to call attention to this until now. It does mean some information is missing which will be present in the final version but I doubt that is anything pertinent to this particular story. And maybe I'm mistaken.

Word meter's been acting up, but the total currently is 5770 words. So here we go:

( 712 words contained )

Originally published at a denizen's entertainment. You can comment here or there.

Not much to say at this point. Will have to increase the writing pace significantly to make the official targets but I think that's more "It would be nice" than "I have to". I am managing a rate about half that of the NaNoWriMo goal and for me that is significant. If I can keep it up this will signify a large step in my ability to produce story drafts.

As I had been learning with my work on A Library Fox, having a clearer idea of what I am doing as a scene in advance helps to work faster, where before I had often been working more sentence by sentence and often not knowing what happened that far ahead. I'm not actually sure if this is a change, and maybe I have just improved.

One thing I am disappointed about is how much some of the cast have been non-entities so far, particularly Algol. She was originally conceived as the starring character with a supporting cast but so far mostly Ferideh and Nawar have been featured, with a touch of Altair. I suspect this is because I am enjoying them more and that I have a less clear idea of who the other characters are or ways they might choose to be active. Will be trying to fix this both as I proceed and in revision, although this excerpt and the next are I think mainly committed to Nawar and Ferideh.

So here we go:

( 1187 words )

Originally published at a denizen's entertainment. You can comment here or there.

Only 3236 words words so far, had a stall the past couple of days. That usually happens to me, few days writing, few days of very little.

Well, it seemed for a while this project might not be novel length after all, but be much shorter. Although it also seemed what I was writing was too abbreviated to be the full story, enough that I had thoughts of finishing early and then expanding on what was written.

Last night had one of those moments of understanding, and realised I had things happening in the wrong order. Was trying to push the characters to follow what was laid out in outline, which was not working well because it went contrary to how they'd been established. Then I realised letting them go the way they were inclined to would get us to the same point, later, without having inconsistent characterisation, with a clearer sense of why their enemy is their enemy (which I'd been worried was getting lost), and getting to showcase some stuff that I was being worried was being inappropriately left out. So that's a very handy detour that'll add quite a lot of word count too.

Sadly, by the time I realised this it was 0300 and I needed to sleep. But now there is today! and... errands. But we'll get there.

As much as I say I hate the story, that it is terrible and in no way worthy of being written, I have read enough by authors to know this is a common sentiment while writing, and enough personal experience to know I feel that way about just about every story I write. So I'm not going to throw it out just because I hate it at the moment. Maybe at some other point, maybe after it is finished, if I think my assessment of its quality is a bit more enduring.

The first part of this story turned out to be more prologue than quarter of the narrative, but here's the end of it. We continue with the writing of the next part, but give 'end of story-part' priority as posting cut-off point over 'how much we wrote today'. So here's that bit, and an image:

( 819 words )

Originally published at a denizen's entertainment. You can comment here or there.

Still hating this story. At least I have decided the main problem is it is badly written. The plot has no merit but if it were written skilfully it at least might be fun to read.

Coming out more like a sketched, rushed outline than a full story. I have that problem with most things I write lately. Maybe I'm doing it wrong. Have very nearly reached the end of the first part and it is looking more like a prologue than an equal part of the story. This whole thing is looking increasingly less than novel length, would probably need to stretch for it to be more than 20 thousand words, and I don't want to force something like that.

Tempted to quit and revise, get the story some proper outlining or work on something else, but I know whatever I work on I will hate it and be miserable anyway, so I'm going to continue and make this thing get to its end. I don't know what I will do about the later parts. There is no way I could write those quickly; they require a lot of invention of the sort I do slowly and poorly.

It could be better. I could be more patient, or write it out quickly and then go over it more carefully. I was going to outline this story, all proper-like, but then I ran out of time. Characterisation is going badly, of course. It is something I am especially bad at, at I have no idea how to show the qualities I put in their design, or even how to come up with decently peopled characterisations.

Anyway, it's all rubbish. But it's my rubbish, and I decided to produce it, and keep a log of it, so that's what is happening.

I have been trying to write in whole scenes, not leaving them incomplete at the end of the day, but the last one here is unfinished. I was tired and did not have a clear idea of how Nawar interacts with the world, or how to depict Shula in that scene.

( 1449 words )

Originally published at a denizen's entertainment. You can comment here or there.

Yesterday, the first day of our NaNoWriMo endeavour. Experimenting with daily excerpts instead of weekly, just for this attempt. The other approach I had in mind was to post each part of this four part story and post it then, but I am more assured of having done writing than being able to complete those sections in a timely way.

The words were far less than needed for keeping pace, making only 911, but my history suggests I was never going to make the total anyway. For me, that is a good output, so I am managing to be pleased. I am trying to focus on getting the story written instead (although still in the month if I can, however quick I can). Whatever story I am writing I tend to hate at the time, sure it is worthless and badly done, so I am going to try and keep going anyway.

A lot of short scenes here. I think on rewrite maybe I should start things a little earlier in time. Lots of dialogue, and I am bad dialogue. Bad at description and visualisation of spaces too. I couldn't say I have strengths to compensate for these, but ah well. We keep along, and let's see what today's effort brings.

Ugh. Such pointless filler and sub-standard, typical rubbish. Can barely stand to look upon it.

( 911 words, no particular content )

As I said previously, I am feeling like taking a small break from writing to ensure my class work gets done. I know I will soon grow restless if I am not writing but I am also feeling tired lately and it seems like it would be nice to stop pushing myself on writing for a bit.

My enthusiasm for the project I was going to tackle next has waned a bit since last month. I am not quite eager to start working on it immediately, in part because I do not see when to stop and move on to something else. I suspect I will start work on it soon, once I have a bit of a break and some time to think about it again.

Yes, this means I finished the first draft of Epic Fantasy. It was surprisingly anticlimactic and surprisingly lightening to do; "that's it?" blended with "it's done!" I also feel a bit bad for killing off a character. It was someone who by the rules of the story was never meant to survive and yet, yes, I do feel a little lousy for actually writing it.

I'm tired. I think this is all the articulation I can manage now. Let's have some numbers to finish.

Epic Fantasy Pt3 (since yesterday)

12,243 + 978
(8.0% more)

Unfortunately the meter will not work if I tell it to give me a 'finished' graph or match my desired total to my present total.

As for how much of the story I have done since resuming writing in October:

Epic Fantasy

33,782 + 13,163
(39.0% more)

Just pretend it says 'Finished!'

A couple of days ago I poked around a bit at definitions, wanting to see if this story of mine qualifies as novelette or novella and whereabouts the lines are. I was stunned to discover the line is at 40,000 words and therefore at 46,945 words what I have written is in fact a novel. This is part of my disinterest with repeating NaNoWriMo more 'properly' next time - having written one novel-length work, writing another does not seem an appealing goal in itself. I would rather focus on writing something as good or interesting as I can manage.

This is just a first draft. After a month or so working on other projects I intend to go back and substantially edit Epic Fantasy. It may get significantly longer or shorter depending what happens. Certainly there is plenty I would want to cut out or express more succinctly; plenty of room for it to slip back over the line to novella.

It amuses me that I started out wanting to write a set of three short stories and ended up writing a novel. Fitting, since one of the common features of the epic fantasies I intended these stories to encapsulate is 'growing in the telling' and ending up as vastly expanded volumes or numbers of volumes. Amuses me, too, that counting strictly by length parts 1 and 3 are themselves novelettes while part 2 is a novella itself. I think that is mostly amusing because, taken alone, any of the three parts would be one of the largest writing accomplishments of my life.

I don't think it is very good, but it has been fun. I hope with some editing it can be improved enough to show to some people, but Epic Fantasy is always going to be 'fun' rather than 'good'.

And now I need to sleeeeep.

Current Mood: accomplished
Current Music: nomusic

Frustration. I have been on the edge of finishing this story for the past couple of days, but so far this week I have fallen asleep soon after sunset, managing only a few hundred words at most. Feeling tired again now, hoping to manage writing this time without worrying about dozing through the early evening

I suppose it makes some sense. With the sleep I have been missing I finally ended up crashing very early and waking similarly early. ~0400 this morning, so I have been up already for most of a 'waking day' and probably should consider myself effectively in late evening not long for bed, though the sun still is up.

A few days ago I wrote a contradiction into the story, something to sort out in revision and rewriting. And what of what has happened since then? Here is where frustration enters, because we have not enough progress to say of what was written. Let's fix that; adjusted my environment to better suit the heat of summer and feeling very improved.

After finishing this story I may take some time away from focusing on writing, November and all. I have a couple of assignments and tests over the next couple of weeks and unlike some other people I do not have demonstrated the ability to do writing and homework over the same days if either is to make a good showing.

Next year I hope to be working, which may be tiring, but I am also hoping my time off-duty will at least be mine to use. I am however going even further off the idea of any NaNoWriMo participation beyond 'push beyond my goals and see how far I can stretch myself'. As this year is one of consolidation the idea of beginning yet another project when I have so many already languishing is not appealing, even if it would be over with in a month. Not guaranteed, that 'if'.

Epic Fantasy

11,875 + 368
(3.1% more)

Current Mood: optimistic
Current Music: Enya - It's in the Rain

Sekrit alternate ending to current story which betrays the tropes it has been built upon and the reason for writing it in the first place
That it is imperative to write yuri and the metafictional superhero mess* that is my next project should be altered to incorporate this
It is okay to continue not sleeping

*May not function as described

Current Mood: mischievous
Current Music: Pet Shop Boys Feat Elton John - In Private 2006

The night before last, I ended up not sleeping. This hampered my plans for writing yesterday. Fortunately I did get some words out of my previous sleepless night, including the final ones of the story. Now I just have to build for them a place to go.

It does feel as if yesterday did not happen, as if a period of time was removed from my life. Not that I am making any accusations, but this is why I want to say "Yesterday, I was surprised to realise..." when a more accurate phrasing would be "Two days ago...". But isn't that just an awkward phrasing? Doesn't flow or feel right at all.

Yesterday, I was surprised to realise how much I have been writing this month. Well, I say 'this month,' but the period in question slips into October too. These things are fuzzy. I was surprised to realise how much I have been writing this month, considering these past few weeks have included what currently feel like some of the worst experiences of my life.

It did not seem at the time like I was writing so much. I have still been having the same struggling to get started as before, but after a hundred or so words until I realise I have consistently been doing significantly more than I would normally have to struggle for. A lot of the lower totals are coming from a lack of distraction-avoidance, I think, as well as occasionally realising I do need to sleep rather than not-write. And this month has included probably two of the three writingest days of my life, certainly since I started counting, and even including the time before that they are almost certainly among the best days of it I have had. There have been higher totals marked but those were often achieved by transcribing longhand stories, which is sort of like cheating.

I still suspect this is helped by focusing on a single story at a time, even if I still get excited about others and want to write those too.

Epic Fantasy

11,298 + 577
(5.1% more)

Edit: I suppose I have a bit of a problem with sleep. I keep pushing myself to stay up late and find things to do so I do not have to sleep. At least in part because I keep feeling like I have not done enough to justify rest and leaving the day incomplete, like I need to do and accomplish more or else the day was wasted or over too soon. Another part is just not wanting to sleep. Even when I do not have nightmares (I very rarely have nightmares, certainly less often than I live them waking) my dreams are typically unsettling, disturbing. I don't like sleeping if that is what I have to face when I do.

Current Mood: optimistic
Current Music: Fiction - Yuki Kajiura / Love History - Sylvie Symbiosis

Yes, I wrote more last night and that is a wonderful, terrific thing. Two bursts, later than I would like, as is becoming unfortunate habit.

First, a bit more than four hundred words beginning at 20:00, which was not bad in itself. Then after midnight I broke for a bit to update some programs. It turns out Firefox autoupdate had not informed me of any increments between 3.0.0 and 3.0.3, which seems to be because I do not use the admin account in Vista - when the admin Firefox started automatically after I did the update manually, it unlike the one normally use had the 'check for updates' option not greyed out. Plus on closing the program it asked if I want to save my tabs for next time, something I have also been frustrated about not working for me in Vista. I intend to find out if these have been reported as bugs and, if not, to learn how to file them and make them be reported.

Among the other upgrades I changed OpenOffice.org from 2.4.2 to 3.0.0. Not being informed of that update was also annoying, especially as the 'check for updates' option was actually available and told me there were none after I had discovered elsewhere about 3.0.0 being available. And there was a recent security update after 2.4.2 so even if we are not being informed automatically of version 3, no excuse.

Now I am beginning to wonder if there is something installed on this system which is blocking information about updates (Firefox extensions do fine though, as do several other programs). There better not be; as much as I can I instruct programs to notify me of what they are and are not doing.

And after all this, another burst of writing right before sleep. From about 06:09 to 06:41, another six hundred or so words.

Epic Fantasy

10,262 + 1,036
(10.1% more)

Current Mood: creative
Current Music: Bizet - Carmen Fantasie

What I wrote here was incomplete.

The happiness, the joy at diminished fear allowing me to live, those were real. However, the thoughts which had prompted those nightmarish days, the... mental images, those did not vanish. They did cease to dominate my thoughts or press with immediacy, certainly reduced in frequency and intensity, so I could say truly I was relieved and unafraid. It was just imaginings now, as easily ignored as the many other sets which reside in here.

With time, and until reminded, I can even forget about them. Had not reached that stage yet. Yesterday... I experienced another peak of anxiety and fear, that paralysing sick feeling of helpless terror and imminent threat.

In the morning I showered and thought I might die trapped in the bathroom if there were to be a zombie outside the door. I considered our dog Angel (who was not at all helpful in her own outbreak of nerves that morning, following me in to the bathroom in her own apparent shaking fear of being alone) possible threat of sudden attack, or emergency food in desperation. I considered dismantling my razor for use as weapon of last resort or implement of suicide. I thought about being so disconnected from my laptop and unable to reach out or communicate any last words.

Showering, I held myself and tried to say it was okay, that it was okay to be afraid and let it out. I couldn't bring myself to. I felt sick. Safety contracted until the walls of the shower itself were the only gesture in that direction. I remain relieved I have yet to see the things my mind's eye insists on.

As I have managed so far, I made myself continue my life, to leave the room, and get dressed, and go back out into the living areas. Fortunately

soltice was online and available to call on Skype. I was insistent on video, to assure myself I spoke to a living human.

We talked long time and she was a tremendous help. I was finally able to cry a bit, and let things out. Stress, anxiety, obligation, much of it self-imposed. I had asked myself during that shower, 'why zombies?', and they seem to represent to me the inexorable closing in of hopelessness and death with no chance of escape but only, sometimes, a choice in how to die. And

soltice helped. We talked of anxiety, stress, pressure and coping with it. The reminder that loosening ourselves from obligation can allow us to get more done, when we allow it to be okay doing only what we can at the time and letting the rest go. Also the importance of letting fun be fun rather than a drudgery.

At the beginning of the conversation I had been thinking myself in need of anti-anxiety medication, feeling this must be a neurochemical issue with no focus. Talking with

soltice I realised there is indeed a lot I am stressed with and began to think that if I can alleviate and manage this stress I might be able to be happy with my functioning without needing medication. Of course that is unknown still, and there may be an underlying issue I could not manage unmedicated, but I am now less certain of its necessity.

Thanks to

soltice (and with the help of

pazi_ashfeather and

mantic_angel) I was feeling again light and happy by the time she left for the gym. I resolved to loosen my burden of self-imposed obligation and take some ease that afternoon and evening. I actually was looking forward to writing but did not get to it, being tired and lacking sleep lately.

This is not being an easy shift for me to make. I have something of a cycle, of building stress until something breaks, then realising again I am allowed to have fun and release myself from pressure, followed by intense relief and I slip into feeling as if I can add 'just this thing more' and piling obligation on myself again.

Right now I am feeling tense about my lack of accomplishment for the day so far. Trying to calm myself down again, remember it is okay. Plus, if I am too stressed to actually do anything or even choose something to do, that is self-reinforcing.

I wrote a little bit on November 5, but not in the two days since. Mostly because I have been tired and not sleeping much. I am looking forward to writing more today though. Would be happy to get back into that.

Epic Fantasy

9,826 + 436
(4.4% more)

Current Mood: nervous

Did not get to sleep much earlier last night, even though I started writing earlier. Very tired now, with only 4 - 5 hours of sleep. I am struggling to be alert or think clearly. Definitely had better have an early night for my own sake. Hope I can manage that. Lately keep falling asleep in early evening for an hour or two, which is not helping me get proper rest at an evening hour.

In good news, I actually for the first time wrote enough to pass a NaNoWriMo target for the day, 1924 words. I doubt I could yet do that consistently, but it feels good to have done at all. Mostly, yes, this has come from sitting relatively free of distraction and writing the story.

Normally what I accomplish with my few-hundred daily words is a couple of ideas, a handful of paragraphs. This was unusual in actually getting to see some of the story happening over what was written. What I normally get done is more like a handful of frames, pieces too small to be more than stills.

That was... I am almost certain that is the most I have ever written in a single day. If I reported any higher totals in the previous year or two, those were including transcription of words already written from longhand to type.

Epic Fantasy

7,902 + 1,924
(24.3% more)

Current Mood: tired
Current Music: Various - Blight

Writing before midnight? Did not quite work out that time. Perhaps now. The routine, the ritual is clear. First the post, to clear and close the day before, then we start anew.

If it gets interesting, there may even be some commentary. So far the most interesting happening is not yet writing the end of the story. I'd thought it very near a few days ago, within reach of a day. And it still feels so. Still feels that the main obstacle is not actually writing it, partly because I have been doing so tired and far from my peak, partly because... perhaps I have not been very 'into it', very willing to be dedicated or focus my attention on the story.

Despite this I seem to be doing better than a year past, at least in plain counting words. Where I used to reach for passing one or two hundred, now it is more four and five hundred. But how is the story? Going to need rewriting, and possibly it is lacking at its heart.

Today itself has been a somewhat lazy day, taking my sister to work and arranging a hair appointment for myself, letting The Lord of the Rings play in the background as something familiar and long.

Epic Fantasy

7,595 + 307
(4.0% more)

Especially short over last night because I wanted simply to make my goal, and rest, and be recovered for a better day. Goal-reaching, delayed by distraction. Rest, interrupted by the aforementioned driving of sister. Perhaps we draw nearer some desired state?

Current Mood: hopeful
Current Music: Various - Blue Flow (Off Vocal)

Last night I was up too late writing and consequently was late to class. Fortunately it was mostly a 'showing up and being present' sort of day, so drowsiness was not much of a loss.

New approach this time: start writing before midnight. Also, stop once I reach my target because I need the sleep. Disappointing to be doing so little, but if I take some time to rest I will hopefully be in much better condition for writing (plus those other minor details of life). Besides, if I look away from the whole nano thing a bit, this month is actually off to a very good start for writing.

Epic Fantasy

7,166 + 429
(6.0% more)

Current Mood: nervous
Current Music: nomusic

Profile

aesmael

May 2022

S	M	T	W	T	F	S
1	2	3	4	5	6	7
8	9	10	11	12	13	14
15	16	17	18	19	20	21
22	23	24	25	26	27	28
29	30	31

Syndicate

Page Summary

Style Credit

Base style: Abstractia by chiming
Theme: Abyss by chiming

Expand Cut Tags

No cut tags

Page generated 2025-07-06 01:48

Entries tagged with writing too much

Shadow of the Empire: Day 30

Shadow of the Empire: Day 29

Shadow of the Empire: Day 28

Shadow of the Empire: Day 26

Shadow of the Empire: Day 12

Shadow of the Empire: Day 10

Shadow of the Empire: Day 09

Shadow of the Empire: Day 08

Shadow of the Empire: Day 06

Day the second

Writing too much?

Last words?

(no subject)

Decisions made at 0700 yesterday morning after no sleep

Last night? Didn't happen

Writing again!

Words about words

Something new

(no subject)

(no subject)

Profile

May 2022

Syndicate

Most Popular Tags

Page Summary

Style Credit

Expand Cut Tags