aesmael

Stolen from metaquotes:

Cutlery and Utensils: A Brief Taxonomic Study of the Evolution of Eusociality in the Kitchen
Trojanhorse Heales-Shadowfax, BSc (Hons)


The oldest known members of the Order Utensillida (Kingdom; Objecta, Phylum; Kitchenae, Class: Preparata) are those of the Family Incisidiformes; the Knives. Today the only common extant genus of incisids is the nominate genus Incisa, which are brood parasites.
From basal incisids arose the two groups of higher utensils; the nominate family Utensillidiformes, which includes the rarer and more solitary forms such as Whisks (Miscidae), the Slicers (Egg-Slicers, Ouefcoutidae, and Cheese-Slicers, Fromagecoutidae), and the predatory Meat-Tenderisers (Carneidae) and Garlic-Presses (Alliumsativumidae); and the large family Plataeiformes, or Spoons. The plataeids have two basic modes of life; monogamy (practised by the Spatulidae) and eusociality (as seen in the Plataeidae). The tendency for the more advanced plataeids to be smaller than their less specialised cousins is well documented.

Incisa cuculia, the Steak Knife Cuckoo.

Incisa cuculia is the most common of the incisids. Adults form colonies living in wooden blocks, and may be highly diverse in form. In general, females are slender, gracile forms known as boning or filleting knives. Males are heavier, and dominant males may become cleavers in later life. Juvenile forms are steak knives and seek shelter in the cutlery drawer amongst colonies of Plateus eusocialus, the spoon-bee, where they masquerade as soldiers until maturity.


Misca misca, the Common Whisk

This utensil is a parasitoid, ultimately responsible for the demise of any utensil drawer or jar. It draws nourishment from entangling other utensils and may end up snarling so many hapless victims in its maw that it can no longer function itself.

Meat tenderisers, garlic presses, cheese and egg slices, (genera Carna, Alliumsativum, Ouefcouta and Fromagecouta)

Most utensil drawers will have only one or two of these hermit utensils; they do not cohabit easily and there is usually fierce competition between them until their numbers are reduced to a sustainable level in any one kitchen.

Spatula pisca; the Faithful Spatula

Technically, the spatula is the female of the species, where the fish-slice is the male form. This level of sexual dimorphism is responsible for their being placed often in separate species by early taxonomists. Interestingly, this genus practices live birth of young; young spatulas resemble the female closely but will be smaller and more rubbery, thus making them both easier to give birth to, presumably, and more useful to the cook.

Plateus eusocialus; the Spoon-Bee

These are an indispensible kitchen organism, eusocial with the ladle as queen, knives as soldiers, spoons of various types as workers, forks as drones and teaspoons being the larval stage. The spork is a sad hermaphrodite mutation, the increase of which is probably due to increased use of pesticides in food. Often, cooks will find measuring spoons (Plateus sucraetcetera) in spoon-bee colonies; thi is an example of symbiosis; by using the measuring spoon the cook is giving it more food, and the use of it for the task of measuring means more time in the hive (cutlery drawer) for the teaspoon larvae. If there is more than one ladle in the drawer, they will fight to the death and often wreck the drawer at the same time. This fight to the death may take years; it works by one ladle being pushed towards the front of the drawer, inducing the cook to use it more often and thus wear it out faster.

More research is being conducted as this article goes to press.

This is the kind of thing which prompts me to try and restrict delicious postables to other such gems[1]. Perhaps interestingly, biology is blue while chemistry is white and physics yellow.

[1] Although 'gems' is privileging the value of inorganic matter over organic as something to be treasured I did not find a suitable alternative. At least they are both reducible to impure carbon.

Since reading through Cat and Girl I have read through a few other webcomics, none of which inspiring enough passion in any direction for me to write about, although they did manage to make me laugh very occasionally. Now I have to go back and change that.

Several days ago I was reading Cheshire Crossing, the comic Andy Weir is working on since Casey and Andy became too unbearable to finish. It so far is not plagued by the problems of his previous comic, perhaps because the cast is almost exclusively female. The art, so derided by all discussion of the comic I have come across, does not bother me - but then I do so often say I am without taste and enjoy things which are terrible.

This is not why I am writing this post. I am writing now because of a scene in the third volume (Cheshire Crossing is released in volumes) which, when I finally realised the reference ruined my nearly successful efforts to get to sleep that morning. Yes, Mary Poppins, water-melted in battle with a Wicked Witch of Oz, is cured by a "spoonful of sugar".

Being regarded as an American holiday, Halloween is strongly discouraged in this household. Since I have not costume or party to go to, I thought I would throw something else together. Pull up a chair, watch as we investigate certain childhood standards.

First, for those of you who remember Peanuts and the Great Pumpkin, this story: The Great Old Pumpkin.

( Videos and essays exposing dark truths. Do not engage! )