Having trouble sleeping

[aesmael]

Have been for a while really, since October at the least and my brush with insomnia. This year I have been increasingly reluctant to sleep as my dreams discomfit me, and for years I have been in the habit of staying up until the early hours of the morning, until sunrise even.

Only in the past couple of months, however, have I been actively avoiding sleep. I think it likely I have been subconsciously avoiding sleep; only recently did I realise I have a habit of looking for more and more to to do and read so I do not have to sleep, until I am too tired to stay awake any longer. Lately though I have been feeling increasingly anxious after and around midnight. I feel scared and upset, not conducive moods for sleeping. Mostly I have been pushing myself until it becomes too much effort to be awake.

I think some of it is not wanting to be alone, but I think there are other reasons too. [and right now I want to cry out loud for someone to help me] I don't know exactly what it is. Maybe I am just not happy overall and feel it most at night when everyone being asleep emphasises how alone I am, don't know how to find happiness.

Speaking of happiness, what am I going to write for today's happy post?

I am going to try and find some fun stuff to do. Maybe watch a fun show, read webcomics, work on stories. Also some busywork. Busywork is good. Probably the result will be exhausting myself to sleep again but that is not the goal. Goal is to feel good so I can say "Today has been a happy day, this is the feeling I wish to carry with me into the next day."

It might help too if I start going to bed earlier, probably after my mother but before my sisters so I can feel comforted there is still someone up and about. Maybe stay up overnight tonight and sleep early tomorrow. Requires discipline to continue sleeping early. Maybe I will learn to restrict myself to activities which are at least one of productive and enjoyable, so when I put something down to sleep I can look forward to picking it up again the next day.

Same old, same old goals really. Pervasive problems, pervasive solutions seen from many angles. Learn to have fun and learn to do what I need to do in order to improve my life. Set aside that which helps neither.

Staying up tonight is risky since I would like to have some time with pazi_ashfeather later, although I think I have neither asked it of nor promised it to her, so at least it is only myself who would be disappointed so far.

Overall, even though there are plenty of good points my life is a pretty sad mess and I have a lot of work to do before I am happy participating in it.

Can I post this public? Yeah, I think I can. In the right sort of mood to believe the world benefits when people show vulnerability as well as the hard stuff. What's that called, grandiose? I often don't feel human, but do think I care enough about them to try as hard as I can to be one.

Comments

[laura-seabrook.livejournal.com]

In the right sort of mood to believe the world benefits when people show vulnerability as well as the hard stuff. What's that called, grandiose? I often don't feel human, but do think I care enough about them to try as hard as I can to be one.

I agree with those sentiments. Vulnerability is part of what makes us human. :)