aesmael

I was definitely over-optimistic in my writing last month. Although I still believe it need not have come to this - or whatever happens next. The fault lies in the slowness of our governments to act, their prioritising of money over lives, and the prolonged gutting of public services they have engaged in over decades. Things would still be bad, but not as bad.

I'm still home from work but considering I might be recovered or nearly-so from whatever sickness has been troubling me. Contact from my supervisor at the end of last week told me they're now requiring people be certified fit to work before they come back in, so perhaps tomorrow I will contact my GP's office and ask if they can book me in for an exam. Still suffering some other health issues including pain along my left side, which I can hopefully address by replacing my desk chair (being optimistic). Still trying to arrange a remote appointment with an endocrinologist so I can get my prescriptions replaced.

Sometimes denial goes a long way?

One reason I haven't been journaling is I've been focusing on my studies and getting through the readings for those. I'm being steadily about a week or two ahead of where we're supposed to be for the class. Which, given I started on the material about a week or two before the class formally began, means I'm just about keeping the pace we're expected to keep. Managing that pace generally means by the time I've got through the material I don't have much energy left for other activities, so, continuing to be quiet here.

On the other hand, I'm coughing more than I was the past few days (had a cough last week, just about disappeared by yesterday morning). So maybe I won't be going back to work.

Really I shouldn't be going back to work. No one should whose work isn't essential, and while libraries are important, right now it is more important not to have people gathering in numbers in confined spaces. There's the electronic resources but I have no access or control over those. But until I get the word not to come back in... well, so long as I'm sick it isn't so difficult a decision.

Current Mood: bored

It is easy not to write when things are happening. And I haven't rebuilt habits to compensate for those interruptions. So what's been happening?

New semester semester started up at school, my final year - we hope! - before graduation. It has been so long I can hardly imagine the prospect of having that paper and being able to say I achieved a university. Remote study so I don't have to worry about commuting to classes at fixed times as well as to work. And to my shock when yesterday I compared my progress on the readings against the subject outline, I find I am more than a week ahead!

Shan't let that get me complacent. Or so I hope - still fear that I'll subconsciously slack off - but I'd sincerely believed I was falling farther and farther behind. It is a great relief to be ahead and I cannot recall when last that happened. Maybe never. I am taking advantage of this to engage in class forum participation, which I normally never do as I feel I need all my energies for keeping up with the material.

I just spent two weeks looking after our dogs while my mother and her husband surprised an older member of the family by showing up on the same cruise she was taking. My sister visited and stayed for the duration to help with the animal care, and that did help a lot. Especially for the days when I was working and couldn't be home at the time they're accustomed to being fed. The new puppy was tremendously exhausting but I think we got her through.

This week I'm home sick. Only a bit of fever and, since last night, an occasional cough and traces of congestion. I'd be entirely capable of continuing to work however it is better at any time to rest if one is sick, to recover better and to lower the chance of infecting anyone else. And especially at this time when we are obliged to be cautious and hopefully slow the spread of a certain pandemic illness, I'd rather keep to myself despite not being to my knowledge at any particularly high risk factor. Given what I'm experiencing currently is so mild, that seems an unlikely case but I can't not consider it.

Work is not great at the moment. I'd like to rant but that would be undiplomatic. I haven't decided if I owe them my silence but I'll likely err that way as it feels the safer. Is it the right thing? I fear not.

Current Mood: chipper
Current Location: in the garden, in the late afternoon sun
Current Music: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=isIj3tuQTDY

I'm back in the position of not knowing how much I ought to say, or rather how much I can get away with saying. Let it suffice to be told that I am again thinking how much I need to find a new job once I finish my degree. I don't like how much corporate influence I'm sensing, nor that it feels the library as library is being devalued. Running government as business is not something I approve of.

Previously I've mentioned the lack of advancement available here. Rather, I don't want advancement as such, I want to receive a solid income and I can't get that here. That would require a full-time role and none are available at this library. I'm not interested in management so much as autonomy, which is just as well since I've been knocked back for any role I've tried for that had a managerial element.

No sense dwelling on it for now. Solving this has to wait for the end of the year or for an earlier emergency.

Current Mood: aggravated

[note: the following was written on 2020-01-22]

To my surprise there has been plenty to do in the little ex-branch library. People coming by every day who need to be informed it is no longer a library and, in fact, the municipality currently has no functioning library. Twice daily trips to the collection and drop-off points to collect the boxfuls of returns people are leaving and to fail to deliver many holds to an increasingly malfunctioning system that is giving me serious worries about its long-term viability.

It's a shame as that had been a good idea for 24-hour service. I dislike that it's currently the only library service people can get, and forcing folk who aren't interested or prepared into often confusing and failure-prone tech 'solutions' is a rather dismal trend in our society. But it would have been great if it worked reliably and only people who wanted to use it had to.

Today I'm wondering about how to run traps in Fate. For D&D/Pathfinder games that's simple enough - there's a hazard in the environment and if it is obvious enough or someone is searching skilfully enough they get a perception check to detect it, and if they fail it goes off and possibly we switch into a conflict scene. I suppose I could demand of the players a Quick or Careful Overcome roll (we're specifically playing Fate: Accelerated Edition [FAE]) but that feels contrary to the spirit of the system.

Let's try thinking through what a trap or hazard is and how it works. In our traditional fantasy adventure scenario you are perhaps making your way through a creepy old corridor, an ancient temple perhaps. You fail to notice a pressure plate, and when stepping upon that plate, a blade scythes out of the wall and maybe it injures you or maybe you duck out of the way. Maybe you lose a few hit points, or make a reflex save in Pathfinder; in Fate perhaps you cross off one of your stress boxes, a consequence which only lasts until the end of the scene.

As I understand it, this scenario is regarded as dull and undesirable even in the traditional style as mere damage to hit points is typically shrugged off unless it is fatal and if it is fatal then it is usually not fun to suddenly lose your character. More-so, then, when all it costs you is nothing that won't regenerate by the very next scene. So we should certainly take the advice already often doled out and deploy hazards or traps only in circumstances where they would create or add to an interesting encounter. Maybe no pit trap in the middle of an empty corridor, but the battle with their kobold rivals takes place in a chamber Riddled with Pressure Plates and Pit Traps, or the narrow walk over a chasm to safety must be performed under a Hail of Darts.

Okay, so hazards are aspects which complicate situations to make them (more) exciting? Or perhaps we treat them in some cases as characters in their own right with skills and stress boxes and whatnot as described by The Bronze Rule, if I want those hazards to play a more active role in the scenario.

Then I think we get more to the root of what I'm trying to understand. How do I handle elements of the scene which may be hidden at its start, which may be more dangerous to the player characters if they do not discover it first? Or, do I? A lot of the assumptions of Fate seem keyed to playing at a table together where the GM has aspects for characters and situations written on cards and sheets of paper and typically everyone's sheets are visible to everyone else. For circumstances where you want to keep something hidden at first the text recommends assigning aspects which use indirection to make sense in retrospect, but it also states quite clearly that an aspect which is not known or used in play may as well not exist and that makes sense to me.

So maybe we want an aspect relating to the danger visible to players from the beginning of the scene, when we lay out what is there. Maybe they should know about the Dangerous Footing but is that something that should turn into Riddled with Pressure Plates and Pit Traps when the first pit opens, or is that something the players should know about before any pit actually opens? Even if there is no sign? IS there no sign?

Let's see:

Scenes should occur when they are necessary or improve the story
A trap or hazard should be present when it will enhance a scene or when it would be significant enough to justify a scene in its own right
There should be publicly visible aspects which refer directly or indirectly to the hazard (so that even if the players don't know about it in advance it should make sense in retrospect), or the hazard should arise as a consequence of play, or the scene should begin with the hazard manifesting
The line between hazard and creature might be blurred
The game rules are a tool for adjudicating the story and the game world, and should be used in ways that are fun and that reflect the stories we want to tell and their dramatic needs (this one is more general but I feel I will benefit from the reminder here)

Current Mood: dorky

This is the time of year when I do a little half-hearted journaling, before soon petering out again. There have been plenty of times when I wanted to journal over the past year or two and did not - a lot because I found myself tired and 'busy' between school and social and work, and a bit because mostly I wanted to write my displeasure or worry about events at work but those happenings were forbidden to be made public.

    Concerns about more staff reshuffling, about people being brought in from outside to take charge of the library and the people who had been running it in the interim getting knocked back to subordinate roles and yet still, in a lot of ways, running things because they're the ones familiar with operations and with connections to and trust of the other staff. About renovations and my suspicion we will have reduced space for the collection - I'm sure it will be spacious and pleasant and perhaps even a good place to study and read, but maybe with not as much //to// read. I'm also disappointed that increased physical accessibility I'm told could not have been added to the design, despite my request. And about a branch of the library being closed with almost no notification to the public, admittedly one with very low use but there aren't many resources in that end of town already, and this also blocks access to the public toilets the branch housed.

    I'm disheartened because there is nowhere for me to go with this job. But I hope to graduate at the end of the year and maybe then I can find better work elsewhere. It will probably mean switching from part-time to full-time to find something I can live on, but that may be what I have to do.

    In major project news, I've completed the first phase of cleaning up and organising my living space, by evacuating from my room nearly all the clutter that has accumulated over the past decade. The next phase will probably be to go over what's been removed and decide which items may be invited back into my space, and which must be disposed of or go elsewhere.

Current Mood: hungry

Aiming to try an experiment tomorrow: if I want something to read over breakfast or before beginning my day, try the book I'm reading/next instead of browsing social media stuff.

The difficult part will be the question of catching up with messages sent by friends and loved ones overnight - when, and in what manner?

Prompted by: long-standing observation that checking these messages tends to cascade into checking social stuff and inactivity on intended projects.

Complication: also like to get exercise done early in the morning, and post-exercise tends to involve a shower+breakfast wind-down that naturally flows into this. A 'rest' before resuming the next intentional activity.

The goal here is primarily the striving to live in greater concordance with how I desire to live, with the means I have. This is of course a perennial quest which feels as though it is in a state of always failing. I do not therefore have a high expectation of success, especially not for more than a few days at most.

====================

For a while I had been wanting to tell my parents there is only one person in the world aside from them who misgenders me or calls me by the wrong name, and he is a single library patron and my only interaction with him is when he borrows or returns a newspaper each week. But as of yesterday (the 24th for those keeping score, how fitting) this is no longer true - he said ma'am when requesting the paper, like I'd taking to saying in auto-response his saying sir each time.

Unfortunately today my family just had to speak over me to introduce me to friends of a semi-relative by the wrong name. But on the bright side there was a lot less overt racism for me to push back on.

I was however reminded that I deleted the ABC news application from my phone in anger, when they did not consider the results of the marriage referendum important enough to generate a push alert for. Feeling I ought to follow through and delete the other sources of news alerts from my phone since I mistrust the incentive to craft and push for intention rather than to inform.

Current Mood: happy
Current Music: Christmas or Cat

Urgent to do: find out why my new shoes are wearing so painfully on my right heel, make that stop happening.

Weird feeling today listening to an episode of SETI Radio's "Are We Alone?" on the drive home and they were talking about the 'new' movie Jumper. Thinking wow, I'm really getting into the present times now (no. Bush is on the outs as US president, Rudd is on the ins as Aus PM).

Let's get the sequence canonised for the day before yesterday's fight scene:

1) Harpy flies out of the statue climbed and attempts to use her Captivating Song on our heroes. Bolbins, the group's halfling rogue covers the ears of Jeanne, the group's (human) paladin of freedom to help her resist. They both fail, but Jeanne only barely thanks to the intervention, while Bolbins fails badly enough to give the harpy two free invocations on her song. The harpy demands her sister back.

2) Bolbins offers the harpy's sister in exchange for the captive the harpies took. The harpy proposes she kill and eat everyone and get her sister back that way. This is treated as a social conflict and the harpy doesn't roll as well as Bolbins, who has a negotiation stunt. The harpy marks off her 1-point stress box. Jeanne spends her turn attempting to throw off the effects of the harpy's song and succeeds, no longer under that influence. Unfortunately after this Jeanne's player needs to lay down and sits out the rest of the session.

3) The players respond to this declaration of hostile intent by attacking. Amena, the elven wizard, tries to use telekinesis to batter the harpy against the statue, but fails and in resisting this the wind of the harpy's wings buffets Amena to the ground.

4) Miyaro, the kitsune kensai, hurls her haunted sword Foxbane at the harpy. The harpy is unable to dodge quickly enough and the blade lodges in the harpy's back. The harpy marks off her 3-point stress box.

5) The harpy invokes her song against Bolbins, attempting to compel him to step off the ledge toward her and plummet to his death. Knowing there's a residual levitation spell on him from earlier, he voluntarily fails his save and with Amena's guidance they successfully make it appear as though he has been killed.

6) The harpy swoops in to grab her kill. Miyaro leaps up and grabs Foxbane, dragging the blade through the harpy's body (marking off the harpy's final 2-point stress box and is therefore Taken Out). After some deliberation on the part of Miyaro's player, she decides the harpy will be killed by this rather than driven off or knocked unconscious.

TO DO for Saturday: decide if the mother harpy will fight for / over her daughters or flee; decide how the captive harpy will feel about the destruction of her family (does she feel they abused her? is she so evil she is glad for the elimination of rivals? will she be heartbroken?).

Meanwhile have collected the pie dish back from the library, finding it empty and washed clean. The library is getting much quieter toward the end of the year, which is useful for me trying to catch up on the missing items lists of past months but can be awkward when between tasks.

Feel like there should be more to this day but whatever, just writing something feels like enough victory for now.

Current Mood: sore
Current Music: Fan-whisk

Dear diary,

With the impending collapse of tumblr it seems to me I should write to you more often. Not, that is, that I have been writing so very much there that I feel a need to displace that writing elsewhere. Tumblr's reblog system leaves me rather too worried of losing control of my words and their being passed around to assorted strangers who will eventually find me failing some hidden standard and so bend all their will and energy to destroy me. It's an irrational fear since the same could happen no matter where I speak if I let my words be seen. But it is a large part of why I do not speak on that platform and stick instead to reblogging what I find cute or funny or think another would enjoy encountering.

This isn't exactly true either. I write to you at intervals but can never quite capture a day within the day, and then next day that has become the past, unimportant, and we skip the stage of anything like publication. Maybe a fifth? I can't remember and don't care to check.

Today featured a big trip across town to get a new oestrogen implant put in, plus prescriptions. I picked something up for the library's secret santa next week. Later, having breakfast at a café and reading Batgirl/Robin Year One, had a little conversation with the person waiting my table and managed to get some poetry recs out of em.

The names:

- R. H. Sin
- Michael Faudet
- Lang Leav
- Rupi Kaur
- Robert M. Drake

Been thinking, recently, again, of exploring some poetry. Likely to take a while. There are still several books to read in my current exploration of comics.

In the material world I'm pleased to say that this year I've managed to pass my classes for this year. Combine those with next year's enrolments and I'll finally be done with what I failed in 2016. Hate to admit that.

In gaming terms the Fatefinder Society has been going well. Lots of fun deviations from and elaborations on the scenarios. Looking forward to where we go in the next few sessions which I'm hoping will get to actually advance some character stories. Not everyone has a backstory I can readily find a forward direction for, but it's fun keeping those in mind and looking for opportunities to tie in with each scenario we play.

Unfortunately the Rise of the Runelords game I was so excited about running last year looks like it won't be happening, thanks to our old friend non-participation. I know that's the typical fate of role-playing games but still disappointing. Maybe I could recruit some other people to play instead.

For the moment, however, my main excitements are to try and write some adventures of my own. Especially the Star Wars sequel game that I've been considering for a few years, using Starfinder as the system, but also enjoying trying to find a circumstance inspired by each creature in the Pathfinder bestiaries and exploring where those ideas take me.

Current Mood: blank
Current Music: none

Today was a bit of a Kruge day at the library (6 seconds of video provided as reference).

Watch on YouTube

I seem to love those hectic days with puzzles and problems piling up atop each other so that we dash between them and have to unwind time to trace where we were at.

And it helped that there was a new casual on her third-ever shift at the library to train, and otherwise was working with the weekend supervisor who I had trained some months back. Seems to have been good for my ego to be regarded as in-charge and authoritative by folk who came to me for guidance when they were unsure through the day. Although of course I always worry that is in some way manipulative flattery.

But today felt like a pretty good day.

Early in the week a girl (probably early high school but maybe late primary school) asked for help finding varied sources to site for her assignment about the solar system and that was fun. She's asked a similar question about different schoolwork months back and it is not often I get asked to deploy that much educational assistance on a topic.

Also interesting getting asked for help about a topic I've been relatively expert on when the appropriate response is not to display that - even if I had my peak knowledge on that subject it wouldn't have been helpful to her to display that. What she actually needed was for me to show her stuff like how to use library website database access to find stuff like Scientific American articles, and the astronomy section on the junior non-fiction shelves.

This got brought back to mind seeing a tweet by Mike Brown pointing to some new research on planetary system evolution. Felt good to read about that and to be excited again, despite that I probably will never be able to claim that expertise.

Mouth has been hurting again recently, despite having got another filling. Had strongly hoped that would resolve the matter for months if not years but it looks like I will be needing that root canal. Minor but persistent pain, so I put up with it last week through electrolysis. Pain got worse on Sunday, but nothing I couldn't handle with the painkiller regiment my dentist had recommended while treating me for an infection in this area a few weeks ago.

Called up on Tuesday (Sunday they weren't open and Monday I was at work during bankers' hours) to make an appointment. Disappointed to learn they had no spaces left this week, but I got a spot to have that root canal done on Thursday next week (2017-07-27). Of course by Thursday this week it decided to ramp up again so that even with painkillers in full effect I wasn't able to function through it.

This morning: went to dentist's office, got appointment moved to Monday, requested prescription for a stronger painkiller for the meanwhile. Got recommended a slightly stronger over-the-counter painkiller instead. Hoping that will be enough. Only three days now instead of another week. I really don't want this procedure done, am dreading it, but it is clearly not feasible for me to refrain.

Perhaps this is to a degree my fault - might have gotten the cavity seen to when I first noticed there was a problem, and maybe it wouldn't have reached so deeply that I'm needing to have the nerve itself removed if only I'd taken some time to decline additional shifts and got it looked at back in summer or early autumn. Maybe then it could have been caught before it so deep. Instead I thought I didn't need to stake time out to care for myself, that I could rely on gaps in the flow of time requested of me by the library

Current Music: Triple J's Hottest 100, 1990

=== Ambiguity from 2017-07-13 ===

One of those days where I have a shift at the library starting from 17:00, so the whole day takes place in its shadow. Nonetheless I managed to achieve many of the goals I'd set for myself today. Mostly, preparation for that Pathfinder game I keep talking about.

First of all, how easily I can get maps or other handout type pictures from the adventure PDFs. Turns out to be quite easy - just about as simple as right click -> save image. Editing in layers to do some simple 'fog of war' effect seems rather straightforward in GNU Image Manipulation Program so it should be fairly quick to unveil and reupload as the players explore new areas of the dungeon or other space.

Have not solved: anything for creature tokens or player avatars, which may need an adjustment of map scale to make those legible and practical.

Meanwhile at work feeling lazy, too unfocused and distracted. Wondering whether I can maintain focus in my life overall - do work at work, do fun and personal project stuff at home. This is a constant refrain and little likely to come of it, but we keep trying. And keep on feeling like cutting down on social media will open space for "actually doing" things. But it is so useful for the little gaps with nothing else and anyway... a sigh.

Current Music: The Unguarded Moment - The Church

=== A Lament From 2017-07-11 ===

Even though I'm glad not to be the weekend supervisor any more, and especially to be taking fewer shifts at the library in general (now, if only that would translate into "living my time off in a way I feel happier with") I'm still feeling frustrated at not breaking them of all their bad habits before my time was up. Mostly this bugs me because it's me who works Monday mornings and has to clean up after any errors - they're not major problems but it still causes me a bit of extra work every week and tweaks my sense of "this is not proper". Currently the weekend staff is 3 new people (as in hired since May), 1 casual on Saturdays, and 1 long-term person on Sundays. Normally there would be one of the weekday full-time librarians on Saturdays but she is currently filling in as the head of circulation for another 3 months. So, a lot of opportunity for this stuff to get embedded and harder to shake.

On the bright side, yesterday and today involved meeting and training two of the newest casual hires. Working on being available and informative and keeping an eye on what they are doing, while also showing trust and confidence and not being overbearing, and being clear about the distinction between library policy and my preferred implementation of same. Little bit kicking myself for forgetting to update one today that library patron PINs don't actually have to be numbers. Maybe remember next time we work together.

Anyway: trying to be helpful and supportive, not hurtful, useless or assuming incompetence. We'll probably be working together semi-frequently, so I hope I like them and get along with them.

Feeling conflicted about stuff like: part of my role being stuff like telling kids to stop running around the library. Kids need space to be kids, rather than teaching them to suppress themselves. And spaces that are child-unfriendly also end up being de facto woman-unfriendly so long as the childrearing and childcare burdens fall disprorportionately on women. Plus the folk who complain about children in the library tend to get on my nerves and inspire me to feel vindictive toward them. But, times when there are many boisterous kids in the library do tend to give me sensory overload and headaches, and I'm sure I'm not the only person who is negatively by this - it surely makes using the library for intended purposes like work, reading and study more difficult. So I feel conflicted.

Luckily I'm not very good at it, and they tend not to stop running or playing Counterstrike quietly for very long?

Home stuff! Today a pair of socks I ordered arrived, long socks in asexual pride colours (black/grey/white/purple). Was pretty excited, and if they wear well I want to order some more in other patterns, especially since many of my socks are getting holes in their toes. After opening the package, showed them to my mother (didn't say the colours represented anything, just that I got new socks). All she had to say was to tell me not to wear them to work and that they're unprofessional.

That's really upsetting. It would be great if she were ever happy or complimentary for me about anything. The only thing I can remember her being congratulatory about was when I got hired from casual to permanent part-time, and that was an act of self-defence because whoever got my current job would be taking the hours I normally worked as a casual, and leaving me with sharply reduced income.

She doesn't show that she's happy for me, pretty much ever. Any time I try and talk to her it turns into her issuing orders and telling me to change, to be or do less, or what not to do - find doctors closer to home, find work closer to home, don't go places, don't buy your own groceries, and so on and on.

Can't she ever be happy for me? I'm aching for someone to share my excitements with, and sharing a home with someone who redirects every communication into a not good enough or an act of racism is poisonous[1].

[1] Latest example: on the weekend I told her I was watching the Games Done Quick stream, which is a charitable event raising money for Médecins Sans Frontières, and her response was to grumble about how awful it is those countries don't look after their own people. Gotta find a way to be negative everywhere, hey?

Current Mood: rejected

=== Monday ===

Maybe yesterday's post should have been split in two, to separate out the game talk from the workplace whining. In follow-up to that, it seems the person I was filling in for on Saturday is currently hospitalised. I won't write out my speculations as to why, but I hope she will soon be in good health.

Latest surly rescue-cat is being sick at the moment. Has apparently been vomiting quite a bit. Checking on occasionally for status but mostly when I'm around is just sleeping and keeping to self. Cat's been named Lilly by family (I tend to say Lillith) and hopefully will feel better soon. And not pass on whatever it is to the other cats, who at least are still avoiding em.

Trying to redirect my energy more into doing what I want (projects and fun activities) and journalling, and less into social media. It's difficult. There is a lot of inertial habit to overcome and the blank moments. Especially the gaps between, when there just isn't enough time for me to work on anything at all big.

=== Sunday ===

This is about the time of night where I start to berate myself for wasting the day and my life. I should remember that my goal for the day was to do something creative, and last night I defined playing + streaming Zork as counting for that purpose. And I managed to do that! - [the recording can be found here ""https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kdVQGyphFz8""]. Plus I made a slightly fancy dinner. Anything more complicated than microwaving or sandwich feels like victory there. And I'm writing this, and I played some Go,

So, today has been a good day? Good company and good times with, and accomplished some things that are goals, even if small. Reminding myself of this helps to feel better.

Current Mood: productive

Solitude brings memory and memory brings pain. Today, as has happened before, feeling that so much time has been lost to seeking stimulus, suppressing thought so as not to face hurt, and this must change. Yet, this revolution will not happen. The way of things will persist.

Today at work - an unexpected shift, called at last minute to cover the afternoon - whenever I got moments to myself away from colleagues and from patrons I found myself fighting off sobbing. Maybe this was better than if I had stayed home.

I'm doing a lot of missing, heartsick, not knowing where I stand or what the future might be now. Maybe I don't want to know.

What I've got to do is build the best I can for me, and if I'm lucky find a hoped-for future. If not, at least I will have something?

Keep forgetting to say that I have recently finished a six week stint as the acting weekend supervisor at the library. That position has been varying degrees of vacant for nearly a year ago, when the previous occupant got promoted to fill the role of my previous supervisor, who'd been pushed out by the municipal council. Originally applied for it back in July, was interviewed but didn't get it. Then after that person's term another part-timer was appointed, who for the sake of not giving out names but having referents I will refer to as my rival.

One of the existing weekend staff quit over that, finding it a last straw out of many issues she'd had - she did declare a few times the position ought to have been given to me, but she had plenty of other cause. But, this rival of mine had been working. Anyway, that was a temporary appointment while the library was advertising for someone to fill the role permanently instead of temporarily.

Got interviewed for it but again was not hired. The library picked someone else, who then found a better job and bailed before starting. Then I was asked to fill in as the acting weekend supervisor while the job was re-advertised - rival had left for a better job elsewhere, which I hadn't got my application in on time. That was a real big downer, knowing I was not even third choice for the job and even though management had encouraged me to apply they were explicit about not believing I had the experience. Co-workers were encouraging, however, and kept saying they trust me and I ought to have the job permanently. I worry that just means I'm easy to get around.

Obviously I didn't bother applying for a third time. I just tried my best to do well for the six weeks I had and, since I was being paid at a higher hourly rate for the duration, pick up as many extra shfits as I could. It was a bit of a kick in the gut tho that despite having gotten a full-time, much better paying job elsewhere the rival stayed on as a casual employee to work Saturdays, and both she and first fill-in continued to act as if they were in charge and assigning tasks to other staff. Plus, the former weekend supervisor, now all the way up to acting manager of the entire weekend, came in a couple of weekends and spent an hour or two socialising with the rival, scarcely acknowledging my existence (think I got about a sentence each time).

If this all sounds sulky and resentful I guess it is. Of course, I haven't done anything to earn respect and obedience but at least I got some extra cash out of them and some experience I can put on my CV for future jobs. As much as the rest stung me, that was my goal achieved and now I'm trying to drop right down on taking any additional shifts, to just focus on what I'm hired for and keep the rest of the week for living the best life someone like me can manage.

Still, as disruptive as it was (and I hope this does not recur - I'm no longer on a list for last-minute calls) it was nice to be called in for the Saturday afternoon by the outsider who ultimately did get the weekend supervisor job, and to be relied on. Most of the staff were new, so got to put all that obnoxious brain-wiring that maps work related layouts and protocols to use. It was nice being counted on, being trusted as reliable and authoritative, and I wish I could get that elsewhere in my life.

That's an ongoing struggle and not anything I'm anywhere close to resolving.

On the brighter side of things, the Pathfinder books I ordered have all arrived. The Rise of the Runelords adventure path arrived a week or two earlier so I've had time to go over the first chapter and I guess technically got enough info to start running it already. But I'm worried and wanting to make sure I'm prepared to do my best, so want to first go over resource books offering guidance in running campaigns.

And need to sort out how to go about actually running the thing and any aids to work with. Tess suggests a Discord or Slack server, which should be straightforward enough to accommodate a dynamic flow of play according to how many players are around at a time and how much engagement they have available. But I should sort something out for maps and character tokens, and a more dynamic way of doing digital character sheets than scanning and printing character sheets.

Therefore, the two things I should do are: i) get on with that reading, ii) put some effort into learning about tools which suit my needs, and iii) sorting out players and expectations and doing any teaching how to play which needs doing.

Still, I wrote this. It took a day longer but I wanted to write it and I did. That's moving in the right direction.

Current Mood: surprised
Current Music: Open Sesame (The Rudy Van Gelder Edition) by Freddie Hubbard

Keep starting rambling journal entries with the intention of posting them, and they keep getting away or being abandoned for having lost relevance. Before this one suffers the same fate, as it is in strong danger of, I shall morph it into a bullet point list of what is going on in my life currently.

The government is trying to balance the budget by clawing back money from welfare recipients, so they contacted me to the effect of claiming I owe them more than $900 from 2012.
Filed an appeal – luckily I had all my payslips still – but since that information is in my favour rather than theirs they're taking a couple of weeks to get back to me, instead of instantaneous like before.
Done so badly at university this year they're kicking me out.
Filed an appeal on that too, and also waiting on the response.
Gathering information for that appeal meant collecting psych assessments my GP had been holding onto from several years back, and reading those was so distressing it nearly rendered me too non-functional to actually attach them and lodge the appeal
Plus it wasn't fun getting the vibe from my GP when I explained the situation, though he didn't say so, “you're a bit childish and TBH you deserve this”
I wasn't kidding in what I wrote in that appeal about struggling at work. Feels like I'm reaching or have reached limits of what I can balance and focus. Which might be okay if it paid me enough to support myself on.
Car's cost me $900 in repairs over the past week, and I'm passing on another $1500+ that it needs in favour of admitting it really does need to be replaced, although this will cost even more.
I just can't get out of here soon enough to feel comfortable taking the risk.
The book I'm reading is good though.
I'm scared, always. Still trying not to let myself think, to keep that at bay.
I hope

Current Music: Orbital - Snivilisation
Crossposts: http://aesmael.livejournal.com/694319.html

Haven't had much space to write in. Work has been keeping me busy (when I finish tomorrow and finally get a few days off, I will have been working for 22 of 26 days) and I am so behind on school I've been trying to put all my home energies into that. Been neglecting story-writing, cooking and cleaning, personal projects, near any entertainment I can't leave in the background without demanding focus. Not that it does me much good. Still behind, possibly even farther behind than I was.

Until the end of the month when the last of this work is due. Then, either way, I might be a little more free.

Today impulsively decided to try and drop social media at least until I am finished with this semester. An act which had been on my mind recently but I'd concluded I couldn't go through with. That I am too lonely in myself and my current circumstances to go through with it, and it is not a goal I can succeed until some lack in my life has been resolved.

So I don't know why I did that this morning (in pain I guess?), but I did not promise to vanish. Just declared I am trying to minimise my presence on twitter and tumblr at least until I have school out of the way. They are too easily habits of constant distractive stimulus and while that can be valuable when I need to escape myself, I definitely need to do my best to not fail these classes. Which means I also can't go replacing them with something of similar distractive quality, such as the RSS feeds I've been neglecting to read.

Actually the reason I wanted to write this post is to describe a couple of similar happy moments at the library today. Twice I had someone contact me trying to get hold of a book they had reserved. In both cases I went to look for it for them and returned empty-handed. One was a novel supposedly held in the Premiere's Reading Challenge collection, which I had been searching for yesterday to satisfy that hold. Did have a new inspiration about where to find it that got me nowhere, and tried looking up a few other libraries for its seeker to no avail. Not too long after ey left, though, whilst shelving I found the novel wedged into the picture book where someone must have stuffed it days ago at least. Tried calling to let em know, as ey'd said it was needed soon, but no answer and no option to leave a message.

The other was a phone call from someone expecting a book in delivery within the network. Ey had been advised to check today, as this reservation had supposedly been in transit the past three weeks and not yet arrived. Had the spark of checking if it had been received, processed incorrectly, and placed on the shelves instead of to be picked up, but no such luck. There were no other copies in the system, so I advised em it was likely missing and we could not fill that request, cancelling it with consent.

But, after my tea break in the afternoon, I found it sitting in one of the boxes to sent back to its home next delivery. I am fairly sure it was not there earlier, and I can't trace how it came to be there, but I put the hold back on and set it on the shelf to be collected. Although now my memory tells me I set it on the wrong shelf - it will be easily found for collection, but it will need to be brought back to the desk where it should be, instead of taken for self-checkout, where it shouldn't be.

Oops. But two people will get notified overnight they can collect something they thought was unavailable to them, and maybe they can think it was a bit silly of me to tell them there was nothing to be done when clearly there must have been. But I hope they get good use out of those books.

Crossposts: http://aesmael.livejournal.com/691589.html

Something I forgot to mention in my previous post, which carried over to the following two days, is that it seemed I got to do most of the front desk library work by myself. Everyone I was paired with seemed to have other things to do, on other floors or otherwise inaccessible, for much of my shifts. It was busy enough, but not too busy, so this suited me fine.

I wonder sometimes if I prefer working alone to working with others, and worry that I talk little enough to make the other staff resent working with me. Think I tend to be politely responsive though, even if I would rather not.

Today and tomorrow are the first pair of consecutive days off work I've had since April 14 and 15 and I feel very relieved to have some time for myself. Or sort of for myself. I'm doing terribly at school and trying my best to catch up, although it is difficult to keep focused enough. Only so much I can get done in any single day before I run out of attention or start hating myself too much to keep going. Which is why for the last hour tonight I'm typing this instead of pushing through another two chapters of two different textbooks. I do need to go faster though, or, I don't know, accept failure and lay down?

Today was also interrupted by a long-awaited consultation about getting wisdom teeth extracted. Was supposed to have that last week but they had to postpone because the doctor was in surgery (kind of a worrying reason, I guess?). Got it finally done today and relieved to find I only need one of the four wisdom teeth removed. The others seem to be behaving well enough.

Still very nervous but it will be nice not to have pain along one side of my mouth. Will need to contact them to arrange a date, and to choose between having it done under local anaesthetic, sedation, or under general anaesthetic at a hospital. That is going to be a tough choice, although the people at the surgery seem to favour the middle option, sedation.

Tomorrow I get to just be home. A rare treat which I hope I will get to enjoy, although I need to make sure to get as much schoolwork done as I can. I miss doing more focused fun activities but I can't afford to while I'm so far behind. Telling myself if I can catch up on school I'll be able to relax again, and hoping I don't waste my chance.

Wore a tank top there, and despite on the cancellation call having been asked about my name and if it should be Ms rather than Mr, got misnamed and misgendered anyway. Part of that possibly my 'fault', in that they checked with me about what name to use in communicating back to my regular dentist, who has not been told about the change of name. I'd been prepared when I last visited to collect my referral, but they said they didn't have need for any of the information I'd brought, so it did not come up despite my expecting it to.

Would like to muse more, but trying to store up those thoughts as for now I only feel to have enough time for writing down things that happened, and not so much the meandering thoughts those happenings inspire.

Crossposts: http://aesmael.livejournal.com/691216.html

Feeling rather tired today. According to my phone I was very active, so no surprise this is one of those days I come home from work and find it painful to walk or stand until the next morning. The morning started quiet but from about noon onward it kept getting busier.

There's about a half-dozen new casual staff starting at the library over the next two weeks and today was the first, so we were supposed to leave off the shelving to give him something easy to do on the first day. And also to leave us a bit bored because it was quiet to start with, although I had my lists of various kinds of missing items to work on. Even I set aside a couple of other miscellaneous tasks to use as demonstrations – damaged book from the returns, book with missing RFID tag, library card that had been lost in the library a few days previous.

Unsurprisingly this story ends with none of those happening. He had an orientation at the council for about the first hour, and then meeting with the manager and being shown around by her for a while, followed by my co-worker being assigned to further get him up to speed on the actual library systems and processes. About a half hour before lunch I realised where this was going and ran around getting as much shelving done as I could before the next shift took over.

On the bright side I seems all the new starters are going to be issued a copy of the checklist myself and another part-timer worked on over Friday and Sunday so that is a) something to be pleased about and b) something to leverage into pay increases and future job applications. Although I also thought of some things today which likely should have gone onto that document, which demonstrates why at least when you have me do it such things are better built over a longer period of time than a day and a half.

Yesterday after work I went shopping to try and get a more explicitly feminine work wardrobe, I guess, to force a contrast with what my co-workers had been seeing me in for the past most of a year. Was unhappy with how those clothes were sitting on me and after several unpleasant months of failed searches that left me dismal and defeated.

The main, main thing I had been looking for was new pants, as the ones I'd been wearing kept sitting unpleasantly low on my hips. Felt very uncomfortable wearing that. So, finally fixed, and got a bunch of surprisingly cheap new tops to wear to work or with my recent skirt acquisitions, which had been very lacking. Very relieving.

Wore such fresh outfit to work today, was nervous. Went okay though! No unexpected uproar, and the manager said the colour (of the top) looks good on me. In passing on her way out to lunch. So, yay!

I get to exist in some spaces and that is an improvement.

So, busy day today. Let's leave off with two notable things about today.

I made lunch this morning but forget to pick it up on my way out the door, so ended up buying fish and chips for lunch. Was worried about the delay when busyness kept me 7 minutes late from starting my lunch break but managed to eat without rush and be done in good time. And a little progress on the book I'm reading too.

A caller midway through the morning, saying ey got a notice about items being due and ey returned them all several days ago. Ey seems liable to repeat and emphasise this point a few times so I interrupt and ask for the card number they were borrowed under.

“I'm driving at the moment. I think I better call you back in about 10 minutes.”

“Yes, I think you had better.”

“Goodbye.” “Goodbye.”

Addendum: so far as I am aware, ey has not called back.

That should be enough journal for now. Got to save some time for book non-reviewing and scholarship.

Crossposts: http://aesmael.livejournal.com/691021.html

My appointment got cancelled for yesterday so I did not go out. Was nice having a whole day at home. Got to do laundry and make my bed and talk with people, and it was a good day but I got hardly any studying done so it is hard not to feel like I continue to contribute to the wretched waste that is my life.

Insurance company finally caught up with me on the phone and ate about 90 minutes. Also finally finally spent a while looking for conferences to attend for the professional development component of my degree, which I've had reminders poking me at for months now. Never seemed to have a good time for that, but forced myself anyway this time. Found some candidates, giving myself time to sit on that before acting.

Appointment cancelled because the doctor was in surgery, was not going to be available for the appointed time. New appointment next week in the afternoon. Thinking about seeing a hairdresser earlier in the day, as I've been wanting to have my hair done for months and never finding the time.

Today my co-worker and I got asked to put together a checklist for what the new casual staff who are starting over the next two weeks need to be trained on. We'll need to finish that Sunday morning so it can be ready in time.

I'm very stressed about school. Very far behind. Will be shocked if I don't fail this semester but going to keep pushing until it is over – if I withdraw at this point it will be an automatic failure anyway.

Current Mood: sad
Crossposts: http://aesmael.livejournal.com/690729.html

Today was the first time I wore a skirt to work. My hand was forced, somewhat, with my only pair of work slacks being in the wash. Could have worn jeans but those aren't strictly dress code and even though I was going to be working at the isolated little branch library there is always the possibility someone from the upper or senior echelons of council management would appear around to a) notice and b) care.

I got a bit of help from Ami last night in picking which skirt and what top to put with it, as my selection is currently extremely limited and badly suited to any sort of professional appearance. But it managed and we all went okay. Was only working with one person today, but she did not say anything, and there was indeed a surprise cluster of management types using a meeting room, which we had not known about in advance as the process of keeping library staff informed about the use of our facilities had broken down.

And although it is always a quiet place, I helped a few patrons through the day, some of whom were entirely new and some definitely recognising me from the past, and none seemed surprised or put out by my attire so despite my nervousness that was a big relief. Even though I have the support of the library manager ever day I do not need to call upon that is a day that is better than it might have been.

Relieved to get to exist for now.

Tomorrow I have a consultation about the when and how of getting my wisdom teeth removed. This is something I am very nervous – probably scared – about but it gets easier the more and the more often they hurt. It becomes something to look forward to, being able to eat again without pain, or even to exist in the times between eating. Must remember to bring my referral and x-rays with me or it will be a bit pointless as an outing.

I feel a bit of an urgent need to go clothes shopping as well, after, and hope I find something that works for me. I thought I had solved the question of clothes for work a year ago but I was mistaken. Continuing to be trapped in the tension between wanting something that is good enough ASAP, and wanting to be slow and careful in getting clothes that work especially well for me. Assuming those exist. But for now I definitely find myself in need of work slacks that actually fit and are not half falling off my hips (and which do have decently sized pockets if possible because pockets are useful!) and at least a couple of presentation-shifting tops as well. The ones I bought last year are all the buttoned sort I was used to, and I feel it is worth off-setting my presentation a bit further from what my co-workers probably incorrectly internalised as masculine.

What I want may be too simple to be readily attainable.

There is a lot of more stressful things going on and upcoming too, but I will leave those for another time. It is getting late and I want to be done with this, to get I hope at least a little more study done tonight before sleep.

Crossposts: http://aesmael.livejournal.com/690517.html

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Entries tagged with ook

Words of seven days past, surfaced for your amusement

In the interval

The lost rant

Is it a trap?

The annual check-in post

The past, the present, the future

The victory of Monday

You know what? This

Kruge day

Only a week late

Up and down

Old habits, long gone

Two pieces a week apart

And now the weekend

A dotdate???

Things lost, things found

1/4 is better than 4/4

~.~ <--- [is sleepy]

Not dying on the road

Another big day I don't feel as clearly as I should