aesmael

Today's list brings some surprises, some non-surprises, and some surprising non-surprises.

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Plus, I had to do it. ^_~

One good thing: it turns out I never did have a couple dozen needles embedded in my right hand.

Unfortunately also means that (unrecalled) conversation with infinitely_late never happened, but ah well. That class didn't appreciate my genius anyway.

This past week was the first back in classes, back at industry placement after a couple of weeks on break. It was a holiday period at TAFE and they wouldn't let us continue our placement during that period because their insurance would not cover it. Fair enough.

Wednesday, gave Q a lift home. Just before she got out, warned me to expect questioning the next day at the placement. The libraries she and I have been placed at are twins, basically, part of the same overall system, closely located and having complementary collections. A lot of what we have been doing at our placements involves managing the books being transferred between each, the ones returned to the other, the ones requested by students from elsewhere. That's the scene.

One of the women who has been working where I was has since been snatched up by the location Q has been placed at, working there in the last week before we were sent on break. They were talking and Q, apparently, was asked if I were gay. The answer to that was actually no, and that I even have a fiance. Well. But moving on, she thus warned me to expect lots of gossipy questions.

I was expecting something less pleasant than what transpired. It turns out people were mostly interested to have a detail from my personal life and wanted to know more. Q and I had shared a bit of mutual culture shock at realising people of roughly our age cohort really do such things. Aaanyway.

"Why didn't you mention this before?"

"It didn't come up."

It's true. I was asked variously about broad details of soltice and meeting her, what she does, our plans and suchlike. I tried to mention pazi_ashfeather but what I said seemed to get ignored in favour of something which better fit accustomed social patterns. Considered trying to be open about other stuff too, but it's hard to find moments when those things would be at all relevant, so we didn't.

Tricky, huh? And unfair.

Is like what Q said a while back: "I think if you die in Library and Information Services, you die in real life."

This is a busy week for me. As well as classes, tomorrow I will be out all day for an endocrinological appointment. There will be the usual interview with the doctor to... what? Make sure my life is going okay and I am making acceptable progress in my metrics, not freaking out from HRT? Perhaps there will be measurements. Blood will be drawn. I hope not to faint this time; I will not be fasting and I will bring food with me. I will try to remember the advice I was given last time on how to remain conscious; the only part I can bring to mind now is to ask for a narrower needle. Hopefully that is not mixed up.

Fainting. That's an odd sort of thing. Perhaps I should hope I do, to have more experiences to draw from in trying to understand it. It seems a lot due to poor circulation on my part. My extremities cool easily and often when standing I find myself dizzy, with vision obscured for several seconds and needing to steady myself. It is easy to imagine this leading to fainting outright after a couple of vials of blood have been taken.

Then again, I have had a problem with needles as far back as I can remember. Childhood memories of quite a lot of crying and fear at the prospect of a vaccination, I think enough that it was decided not to proceed. I don't cry or scream when offered a needle these days, nor flee, but I do feel quite tense about it. Having fainted the last few times when attempting to move after does not help; I get anxious instead, worried about fainting again, and that probably exacerbates the situation. I am nervous now.

We will see what happens tomorrow.

On Friday I have an appointment with a psychologist. I am nervous about that too. I still want to withdraw myself from that and say I can, unassisted, manage myself. I feel like to go and ask for help would be an act of weakness, a failure.

I suspect more than a few reading this could empathise with that feeling. Some I have even advised to the contrary, that recognising a resource which could be of benefit to oneself and seeking it out is not weakness, it is strength (in the admission that something outside oneself could be beneficial in a society which demands we strive for the opposite if at all possible), it is self-care, and both of those are good things. Something I have not yet said is that if such aid were sought because of weakness on the part of the seeker, that would not be a bad thing either. If I say "I am weak and I need help" where in that is anything that I should feel ashamed or be condemned for, except that what I am is not what I am told I ought to be?

Not that simply uttering those words banishes such feelings. I do think ideas of 'strength' and 'weakness' in contexts like this (and much more broadly within society) serve mainly as misdirection pointing people at standards to measure themselves against as an arbiter of personal worth, or hurt themselves trying to meet. Far more important, I think, to recognise needs, or opportunities, or resources, and make use of them without worrying if this makes one weak or strong. And like I said at the beginning of the paragraph, this is far easier said than done. These ideas of 'strength' and 'weakness' are deeply engrained.

Well, I suppose I am weak by those standards. Though I think all persons have limits, it does not change that I found myself in a situation of facing mine. I could bear the situation I found myself in, at least for so long as I was there, but I could also see that if it grew worse it would break me at some point. Even if there were no increase of intensity, mere duration would have the same effect eventually - on two occasions how I would endure long enough for someone to come home, and only on the second occasion did I follow through on my resolution (made on both occasions) to make this appointment.

Perhaps I could endure, overcome, triumph without professional assistance. I would not attempt to guarantee this. Even if I could, I do not want to. I do not want to face such a dreadful thing alone. and that is why I made the appointment. My friends, my loved ones, they have been a tremendous help, but I do not want to rely solely on them for support. They have helped me with their support, their presence, insights which have shifted my beliefs about what is going on and how to cope with it. I am still hoping that with professional help I can avoid plunging into those particular depths again. To be honest, in the first half of this year I found myself in another situation which made me realise enough pressure would eventually see me break the vow I made to myself about suicide. And right now I am thinking I would rather face that particular hell if forced to choose between them, because it was only depression, only numbness, and pain, and eventually death. Relatively peaceful, and I wouldn't be screaming the same way[1].

That has been perhaps my theme since my psychological assessment and the argument following. Everyone breaks. They say so about torture, and it holds even if not performed by men in dark rooms with sinister implements. Under enough pressure... that sounds like an unfalsifiable claim, doesn't it? Enough. "Well I did experienced X and I did not break under that pressure." "Then clearly X was within your threshold and, had it pushed beyond, you would have." Enough. Perhaps I seek to bring everyone else down with me, say they can be no better than I - since I cannot honestly deny my own words, my actions, my thoughts - but I do believe it holds true. I think I hope it holds true too, those hopeful words "What matters is what you do after". Even if... but that is a different post.

I worry about presenting myself. Since I am not in that state of mind currently and do not expect to be on the day, how would I convey it? If I were, how would I? And how would I remember what it is I want to bring up, not only the details, but what they are at all? I have been thinking I might print out and give to her copies of my posts touching on the relevant matters as an aid. This was actually the original purpose of the post, to solicit people's opinions on the idea.

This has taken me four hours longer to write than I intended. I had better sleep now if I am to make my appointment tomorrow.

[1] Would I still think so then? I honestly suspect I would, though at least now I have perhaps greater fleetness of mind. In either case I am never entirely free of the other.

Last night I was up late working on my next project, tSOW, and did not sleep until six hours after I had intended to. Exciting progress but it meant I slept much later than I intended to and missed many of the hours I hoped to have for a date with pazi_ashfeather.

I felt lousy about that but we still had a few hours together before she needed to sleep and we even got to talk via Skype, although I had better sleep soon if I am to make our postponed date tomorrow. During our conversation I discovered I did not need my headset at all, which was very freeing.

Also did a bit of work reassembling an old desktop pc for one of my projects, which went well until I discovered the power cord for the monitor seems to be missing. Hopefully I can find that soon or borrow another to replace it.

Most happily, I finally got to begin reading the second Series of Unfortunate Events book to her, The Reptile Room. I greatly enjoy reading to people and it made me quite happy to do this. She has offered that we could read to each other on our date. I hope we keep this up with some frequency this time.

As is the habit these days, there was writing later, with a bit of a very happy interruption when I got to call soltice on Skype too. We have not talked like that in far too long. The writing went unexpectedly well and I find myself in a position I have not been in before. Plus I get to talk to coniferous_you about writing, which does not happen often enough.

After an initial panic, today became a good day.

(5:29:21 AM) Pazi AshFeather: It is okay, dear. One day the human race will go extinct, or be radically altered in some fashion, and then we will not have government idiocy.
(5:29:44 AM) Tricia AshFeather: :)
(5:29:52 AM) Tricia AshFeather: You always know how to cheer me up.

Ghostly spirit,
moving on strange curves through unknown space.
Sometimes crossing sometimes passing,
sometimes sparking sometimes lighting.

* * *

Things unseen grow in
to branching crystal shapes.
They flower, blossom and bloom.
They flutter and fly.

Sometimes aided by
unexpected cross-time-wound
meetings passing by.

Thank you. =^.^=

By aepalizage, originally posted locked at a denizen's entertainment, reposted with permission.

( Folklore of the Bees )

Written by a writerly friend of mine, click here.