aesmael

I was definitely over-optimistic in my writing last month. Although I still believe it need not have come to this - or whatever happens next. The fault lies in the slowness of our governments to act, their prioritising of money over lives, and the prolonged gutting of public services they have engaged in over decades. Things would still be bad, but not as bad.

I'm still home from work but considering I might be recovered or nearly-so from whatever sickness has been troubling me. Contact from my supervisor at the end of last week told me they're now requiring people be certified fit to work before they come back in, so perhaps tomorrow I will contact my GP's office and ask if they can book me in for an exam. Still suffering some other health issues including pain along my left side, which I can hopefully address by replacing my desk chair (being optimistic). Still trying to arrange a remote appointment with an endocrinologist so I can get my prescriptions replaced.

Sometimes denial goes a long way?

One reason I haven't been journaling is I've been focusing on my studies and getting through the readings for those. I'm being steadily about a week or two ahead of where we're supposed to be for the class. Which, given I started on the material about a week or two before the class formally began, means I'm just about keeping the pace we're expected to keep. Managing that pace generally means by the time I've got through the material I don't have much energy left for other activities, so, continuing to be quiet here.

On the other hand, I'm coughing more than I was the past few days (had a cough last week, just about disappeared by yesterday morning). So maybe I won't be going back to work.

Really I shouldn't be going back to work. No one should whose work isn't essential, and while libraries are important, right now it is more important not to have people gathering in numbers in confined spaces. There's the electronic resources but I have no access or control over those. But until I get the word not to come back in... well, so long as I'm sick it isn't so difficult a decision.

Current Mood: bored

It is easy not to write when things are happening. And I haven't rebuilt habits to compensate for those interruptions. So what's been happening?

New semester semester started up at school, my final year - we hope! - before graduation. It has been so long I can hardly imagine the prospect of having that paper and being able to say I achieved a university. Remote study so I don't have to worry about commuting to classes at fixed times as well as to work. And to my shock when yesterday I compared my progress on the readings against the subject outline, I find I am more than a week ahead!

Shan't let that get me complacent. Or so I hope - still fear that I'll subconsciously slack off - but I'd sincerely believed I was falling farther and farther behind. It is a great relief to be ahead and I cannot recall when last that happened. Maybe never. I am taking advantage of this to engage in class forum participation, which I normally never do as I feel I need all my energies for keeping up with the material.

I just spent two weeks looking after our dogs while my mother and her husband surprised an older member of the family by showing up on the same cruise she was taking. My sister visited and stayed for the duration to help with the animal care, and that did help a lot. Especially for the days when I was working and couldn't be home at the time they're accustomed to being fed. The new puppy was tremendously exhausting but I think we got her through.

This week I'm home sick. Only a bit of fever and, since last night, an occasional cough and traces of congestion. I'd be entirely capable of continuing to work however it is better at any time to rest if one is sick, to recover better and to lower the chance of infecting anyone else. And especially at this time when we are obliged to be cautious and hopefully slow the spread of a certain pandemic illness, I'd rather keep to myself despite not being to my knowledge at any particularly high risk factor. Given what I'm experiencing currently is so mild, that seems an unlikely case but I can't not consider it.

Work is not great at the moment. I'd like to rant but that would be undiplomatic. I haven't decided if I owe them my silence but I'll likely err that way as it feels the safer. Is it the right thing? I fear not.

Current Mood: chipper
Current Location: in the garden, in the late afternoon sun
Current Music: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=isIj3tuQTDY

Writing to the endocrinologist who has been helping me out, to update her on my search for general practitioners who will treat me. Wanting to include a sentence or two expressing appreciation for her taking me on and attempting to help with resources and medication, and finding myself getting emotional, choked up.

Pulling back from doing so, on the basis that to feel so grateful to a doctor merely for treating me as a patient or appearing to be helpful is a sign of a dysfunctional system and I should not play into that nor allow it to make more vulnerable than I am if I can avoid that. But it would also be polite, and it is true. So, considering.

Current Mood: sad
Current Music: Relationships Between Inner & Outer Space by Moon Zero

Rain is a nice change from fire. Luckily I don't expect to have to worry about the flooding either although many will.

It's pretty amazing, really. Part of the atmosphere is just condensing out and falling to the ground

( This post refers to medical conditions which may be regarded as TMI, although it goes into minimal detail )

Current Mood: angry

[note: the following was written on 2020-01-22]

To my surprise there has been plenty to do in the little ex-branch library. People coming by every day who need to be informed it is no longer a library and, in fact, the municipality currently has no functioning library. Twice daily trips to the collection and drop-off points to collect the boxfuls of returns people are leaving and to fail to deliver many holds to an increasingly malfunctioning system that is giving me serious worries about its long-term viability.

It's a shame as that had been a good idea for 24-hour service. I dislike that it's currently the only library service people can get, and forcing folk who aren't interested or prepared into often confusing and failure-prone tech 'solutions' is a rather dismal trend in our society. But it would have been great if it worked reliably and only people who wanted to use it had to.

Today I'm wondering about how to run traps in Fate. For D&D/Pathfinder games that's simple enough - there's a hazard in the environment and if it is obvious enough or someone is searching skilfully enough they get a perception check to detect it, and if they fail it goes off and possibly we switch into a conflict scene. I suppose I could demand of the players a Quick or Careful Overcome roll (we're specifically playing Fate: Accelerated Edition [FAE]) but that feels contrary to the spirit of the system.

Let's try thinking through what a trap or hazard is and how it works. In our traditional fantasy adventure scenario you are perhaps making your way through a creepy old corridor, an ancient temple perhaps. You fail to notice a pressure plate, and when stepping upon that plate, a blade scythes out of the wall and maybe it injures you or maybe you duck out of the way. Maybe you lose a few hit points, or make a reflex save in Pathfinder; in Fate perhaps you cross off one of your stress boxes, a consequence which only lasts until the end of the scene.

As I understand it, this scenario is regarded as dull and undesirable even in the traditional style as mere damage to hit points is typically shrugged off unless it is fatal and if it is fatal then it is usually not fun to suddenly lose your character. More-so, then, when all it costs you is nothing that won't regenerate by the very next scene. So we should certainly take the advice already often doled out and deploy hazards or traps only in circumstances where they would create or add to an interesting encounter. Maybe no pit trap in the middle of an empty corridor, but the battle with their kobold rivals takes place in a chamber Riddled with Pressure Plates and Pit Traps, or the narrow walk over a chasm to safety must be performed under a Hail of Darts.

Okay, so hazards are aspects which complicate situations to make them (more) exciting? Or perhaps we treat them in some cases as characters in their own right with skills and stress boxes and whatnot as described by The Bronze Rule, if I want those hazards to play a more active role in the scenario.

Then I think we get more to the root of what I'm trying to understand. How do I handle elements of the scene which may be hidden at its start, which may be more dangerous to the player characters if they do not discover it first? Or, do I? A lot of the assumptions of Fate seem keyed to playing at a table together where the GM has aspects for characters and situations written on cards and sheets of paper and typically everyone's sheets are visible to everyone else. For circumstances where you want to keep something hidden at first the text recommends assigning aspects which use indirection to make sense in retrospect, but it also states quite clearly that an aspect which is not known or used in play may as well not exist and that makes sense to me.

So maybe we want an aspect relating to the danger visible to players from the beginning of the scene, when we lay out what is there. Maybe they should know about the Dangerous Footing but is that something that should turn into Riddled with Pressure Plates and Pit Traps when the first pit opens, or is that something the players should know about before any pit actually opens? Even if there is no sign? IS there no sign?

Let's see:

Scenes should occur when they are necessary or improve the story
A trap or hazard should be present when it will enhance a scene or when it would be significant enough to justify a scene in its own right
There should be publicly visible aspects which refer directly or indirectly to the hazard (so that even if the players don't know about it in advance it should make sense in retrospect), or the hazard should arise as a consequence of play, or the scene should begin with the hazard manifesting
The line between hazard and creature might be blurred
The game rules are a tool for adjudicating the story and the game world, and should be used in ways that are fun and that reflect the stories we want to tell and their dramatic needs (this one is more general but I feel I will benefit from the reminder here)

Current Mood: dorky

Because we have a puppy in the house, the house has been divided in two to make managing her easier
This is done by
1. keeping a door closed at one end of the kitchen
2. barricading the other end of the kitchen with a wooden panel backed on this side by objects including a stepladder
One of our cats, Lilly, used to spend all her time over the other side, but has taken to napping and spending time over here, probably to avoid the rambunctious puppy
Lilly still likes to spend time on the other side, but she can't walk through closed doors
To fix this, she will stand in front of the closed door and yowl loudly until it is opened for her (such as waking me by being noisy down the hall at 03:00)
I don't know how she keeps getting over here; no one will admit to letting her through
I'm now trying to teach her she can solve her own problems, by carrying her around the corner to the barricade so she'll see that like the other cats she is entirely capable of climbing up and leaping over without human assistance
Everyone is happy?

Current Mood: tired
Current Music: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bhOzhjN3FbQ

[sound of retrieving food from refrigeration]
My mother: "There's a pie in there if you want something to eat"
Me: "Actually it's in my hand"

[...]

Katarella: "Nyao!"
Me: "You're very talkative"
Me: "Well, you could say I'm very talkative..."
Me: "... but I know I mean things. I don't know if you mean things."
Me: "I suppose you'd know if you mean things"

Current Mood: bouncy

I don't like that I've fallen back into starting diary entries, not finishing them, and leaving them abandoned. There is a good chance this will become another. It feels weird that life is both too much and yet it also feeling as though nothing is happening. I don't really believe that is a paradox, although it does feel like one. The mundane of life builds up and I have difficulty making space for the dream.

In fact my life isn't that hectic, so although I believe our lives are shaped and pressured into desperations which keep us too frantic for survival to do much beyond creating value for others and zonking out, much of my own problem is I suppose that technically I'm disabled? Or disability-adjacent anyway. Being certainly autistic and perhaps also ADHD makes it difficult to perform needful things effectively and to organise my time. So I feel like I could do more (that I wish to do).

Lately I have been interested in keeping a wiki as a structured and interlinked repository for my notes and projects. First I tried Instiki but was stymied when the build instructions failed - it looks like there is a problem either with the script they provide for windows or with the rubyinstaller tool. Easier to believe the problem is with Instiki as rubyinstaller is surely more widely used, and it wouldn't be acceptable if that just did not work. I'm hoping to pick at these and untangle them into something that does work for me, but the difficulties I described in the previous paragraph mean I'm not findign that easy to do. Meanwhile I'm trying out dokuwiki and zim, which were both straightforward installs.

It became much easier to find channels within my followed list on twitch when I realised that like all corporate social platforms, it would be structured to incentivise addictive engagement. A simple way to pursue this goal is to try and maximise the opportunity for diverting me into impulse watching by placing recent subscriptions and channels I've been watching VODs on at the bottom of the offline channel list. And of course the ones actively broadcasting are at the top, sorted by popularity. So far this hypothesis is holding up well.

Current Mood: tired
Current Location: on the verge

Much quieter day today. Ventured down to the shops and picked up ingredients to bake a lemon meringue pie - that will be Sunday's task, for the library Xmas afternoon tea next week. The plans I had originally laid for cooking this week grew too much for me to handle with the complication of pie, so with some quick thinking (relatively speaking) I roasted some vegetables and prepared corned beef instead of having to discover access points for previously unused ingredients and the possible improvisation they may have required.

Now winding down for the night I prepare to watch the latest episode of The Good Place with my pet, and life seems not so bad. Earlier, watched a fan-made Sailor Moon movie with a group of friends and suspect I enjoyed it more than the others did. Felt like there was a pleasing sincerity to it despite the bad acting and awful sound construction, and it was almost surely better made than most of the other bad movies we've been watching.

Practised some voice for tomorrow's game and getting a feel for potential creature actions, plus cultural elements in case something entirely outside scenario but within scope of my anticipations happens (for example- well, 'spoilers'). If they reach beyond that, well, I'll just have to stay on my toes.

For the Star Wars campaign, which so far is looking to be titled The Lost Heart, been looking thru Starfinder's Alien Archives for suitable creatures to represent warlords in season 3 and attempting to spin a little story about eir particular corruption and area of concern. Perhaps I better work on places and organisations too, but the latest one is leaning into supporting that direction already. And part of the creation of places and organisations depends on player character group creation anyway, so some but not all will have to wait until this one is ready to gallop off into the night.

So far we have the Lurker on the Reef of Stars, Prince of the Dead Sun, and the Reader of the Lost Archive

Current Mood: excited
Current Music: ST:D The Brightest Star

Dear diary,

With the impending collapse of tumblr it seems to me I should write to you more often. Not, that is, that I have been writing so very much there that I feel a need to displace that writing elsewhere. Tumblr's reblog system leaves me rather too worried of losing control of my words and their being passed around to assorted strangers who will eventually find me failing some hidden standard and so bend all their will and energy to destroy me. It's an irrational fear since the same could happen no matter where I speak if I let my words be seen. But it is a large part of why I do not speak on that platform and stick instead to reblogging what I find cute or funny or think another would enjoy encountering.

This isn't exactly true either. I write to you at intervals but can never quite capture a day within the day, and then next day that has become the past, unimportant, and we skip the stage of anything like publication. Maybe a fifth? I can't remember and don't care to check.

Today featured a big trip across town to get a new oestrogen implant put in, plus prescriptions. I picked something up for the library's secret santa next week. Later, having breakfast at a café and reading Batgirl/Robin Year One, had a little conversation with the person waiting my table and managed to get some poetry recs out of em.

The names:

- R. H. Sin
- Michael Faudet
- Lang Leav
- Rupi Kaur
- Robert M. Drake

Been thinking, recently, again, of exploring some poetry. Likely to take a while. There are still several books to read in my current exploration of comics.

In the material world I'm pleased to say that this year I've managed to pass my classes for this year. Combine those with next year's enrolments and I'll finally be done with what I failed in 2016. Hate to admit that.

In gaming terms the Fatefinder Society has been going well. Lots of fun deviations from and elaborations on the scenarios. Looking forward to where we go in the next few sessions which I'm hoping will get to actually advance some character stories. Not everyone has a backstory I can readily find a forward direction for, but it's fun keeping those in mind and looking for opportunities to tie in with each scenario we play.

Unfortunately the Rise of the Runelords game I was so excited about running last year looks like it won't be happening, thanks to our old friend non-participation. I know that's the typical fate of role-playing games but still disappointing. Maybe I could recruit some other people to play instead.

For the moment, however, my main excitements are to try and write some adventures of my own. Especially the Star Wars sequel game that I've been considering for a few years, using Starfinder as the system, but also enjoying trying to find a circumstance inspired by each creature in the Pathfinder bestiaries and exploring where those ideas take me.

Current Mood: blank
Current Music: none

]Thurday 2018-02-22]

Down again today. The slow and painful process of hopefully coming to terms with the fact this life is empty and I won't meet the goals I used to have.

Walked down to the park earlier and some exercise before walking back. Leftover soup for breakfast, laundry out. Back in school from the end of the month so this afternoon is an attempt to catch up on the backlog of messages in my student inbox and get to grips with what will be required of me this semester.

Fortunately no messages seem to have been sent since I went on leave. Unless some of those that were not sent would have proved to be crucial, in which case this is unfortunate. I'd think I fell afoul of maximum inbox sizes except there doesn't appear to be a way to delete old messages and that would be terrible design.

[yesterday, Saturday 2018-02-25]

Feeling especially miserable today. Suppose I did some things tho? Depending how you count 'doing' and 'things'.

Over the past few days I've gone over the subject outline and the backlog in my inbox, as well as a big chunk of the announcements for the course overall. The textbook for this subject is the same as when I previously attempted it in 2016, including the edition, so I already own a copy of that. The class formally begins on Monday so I had better make a start on the actual course materials and readings tomorrow, as I will be too tired from work to make much progress earlier than Thursday otherwise. It's going to be rough studying again especially when I'm not fixated on the topic, but that is always my problem. I'll just have to do my best nonetheless.

Had a call with R. for the first time in I don't know how long. We're both pretty bad at conversation these days, and both feeling quite hopeless, but maybe with practice we can turn things around.

Finished watching season 3 of Lexx with E. That show certainly continues to be the thing which it is. Although the last few episodes felt like a pointed message from the creators: "Yes, we know what we've made, and we could do better, but we choose not to".

Finished watching the first episode of Forbrydelsen which took a few attempts to get all the way through. Not because it has been difficult or unpleasant viewing, but because I'm trying an experiment I've been pondering for a while and taking detailed notes as I watch, with correspondingly frequent pauses. I'm wondering if this approach will give me any sort of mystery-solving insight.

Finished watching the first season of Bron/Broen (this and Forbrydelsen I may as well make an effort to refer to by their untranslated titles, to distinguish them from their US remakes). Don't know how long that took me. Maybe a year in the latest attempt? I space out too much and falter on even the things I am supposedly doing for fun. I'd like to fix that, if I can rebuild better habits. Despite having previously seen the British/French remake The Tunnel, still found the conclusion rather emotional and a bit tearful. Saga is at this moment probably my favourite character for autistic representation, as I can't currently think of any I like better for that role.

Read chunks of the Dungeon World system reference document last night and today. It's intriguing, and more constrained in some ways than I had imagined but still very evocative and I would like to give it a play someday. However for the game I am contemplating with A., it still feels that Fate would be a better fit. But I really ought to get those ideas down on paper, literal or digital, so we can actually go somewhere with them. I'm intimidated however to think starting off running RPGs with something that isn't based off anyone's published module.

Suppose I'm scared of having to be improvisationally creative. There's a lot of time I'm doubtful I ever have been or could be creative, so it's daunting. Even though I like to make things up, or imagine making things up.

Also been discussing some solo Pathfinder game with Ami, based on the character she was planning for Rise of the Runelords. And if that campaign does go ahead someday too, it can just be a parallel universe, an alternate history. We've been watching My Hero Academia and, since her character has a bit of a boarding school in her future, I've been looking at basing some of the other students on the characters in that manga and anime. But probably only very loosely. I'd already been thinking of using a Grippli for a character based lightly on Froppy and tonight had the idea of building that character as a Bogborn Alchemist.

Current Mood: happy

Made some progress today. Finished, I think, writing up my thoughts on those three volumes of Batgirl, and maybe someday they'll even get posted! So now I can finally give those back to the library and perhaps tomorrow I shall start reading the volumes of Valerian and Laureline I borrowed from work. Don't look forward to hearing about that soon either. But someday, if wishes and dreams come true.

Just imagine what I could get done if I stayed focused and avoided the siren lure of social media and adjacent time-sinks, eh? Of course if I could manage to not turn absolutely every thing I do into work and a project then we wouldn't be stressing about this but, then, what would we aspire to do with this time?

Perpetual resolution: time should not be blank?

Actually tomorrow will likely involve a walk down to the pharmacy. Keep forgetting to refill the inhaler prescription and especially tonight has involved a lot of coughing and spluttering which would be very kind if it proved to be coincidence.

Just went back over my diary entries from the past year to add tags. That was a big heap of depressing to hit me in the face. Tears now. Don't know what's the point in my being alive still. Ruined everything. Alone and going to stay that way. There isn't really anything to live for any more, if there ever was. Just got to keep distracted so we don't think about it or feel.

Current Mood: depressed

Early in the week my aunt said she'd visit by the end of the week, and call me first to check in. She hasn't done either and I'm sad about that. Despite that I was also nervous about possibly coming out to her.

I better check with her if everything's okay.

Current Music: Opus Clavicembalisticum, KSS 50: IX. Interludium alterum: Passacaglia cum LXXXI

Today was a bit of a Kruge day at the library (6 seconds of video provided as reference).

Watch on YouTube

I seem to love those hectic days with puzzles and problems piling up atop each other so that we dash between them and have to unwind time to trace where we were at.

And it helped that there was a new casual on her third-ever shift at the library to train, and otherwise was working with the weekend supervisor who I had trained some months back. Seems to have been good for my ego to be regarded as in-charge and authoritative by folk who came to me for guidance when they were unsure through the day. Although of course I always worry that is in some way manipulative flattery.

But today felt like a pretty good day.

Of course I ended up going to bed shortly after finishing that last journal entry without having posted it anywhere. A lag time of at least a day seems currently endemic. Did end up staying home. Even managed to get docted - got some advice (rest, lots of fluids, don't fill this antibiotic prescription unless certain conditions are met), and a note of incapacity to work for today and tomorrow.

Am feeling a bit better. Feeling like resting today and tomorrow will give me a good chance of not over-exerting myself on Wednesday, which is normally only a light day at work anyway. Feeling like I've been sick a lot this year, or much more than is usual for me. Worried this is a foreboding sign and hoping it not to be.

But for tonight I think I can do some simple things. Revise liner notes maybe, or back up files from this computer, or write some character speeches for Pathfinder, or make yet another attempt at finishing the frequently interrupted Scrivener tutorial.

Right now I'm watching this video of a talk on interactive fiction by Emily Short which is inspiring the desire to add yet another layer to my never-quite-started THC project. Television series, Pathfinder module, ... text adventure? That one at least we shan't be starting tonight. Laptop is in big need of replacing and I've been telling myself not to try any IF stuff until after that's taken care. Not because interactive fiction is so demanding on the hardware (is it?) but to keep myself from taking on too much at once and then feeling like a failure when that inevitably collapses on me.

Current Mood: sick

Sick today and yesterday. Not much energy for doing or thinking. Currently looking like I'll have to take tomorrow off work and maybe more but we shall see how it turns out.

Always, always. "We shall see".

Haven't made any project progress since that last post but at least I can try and do some journalling here. This isn't one of the goals I put on those cards but I would like to make this into a habit. Wanted to make those other activities into habits too, which is why it's especially annoying to come down with a cold or whatever and get knocked out of being able to focus.

Did get to play a little bit of go today and a little bit of reading, so that was good. And yesterday some exciting discussion about a roguelike game idea, which it will probably take me years before I'm able to do anything like putting together. But a goal's a goal right?

And now I better get to bed because either I need to be up earlier for work in the morning or I'm sick and need lots of rest.

Yesterday I bought a packet of index cards to write projects on. The idea is that when I have some free time, I look through those cards and pick out something appealing to work on, including leisure activities like reading a book. Often I have difficulty deciding what to do, or remembering what I can do, and I'm hoping this will help me to do more things I want to do.

Today's big winner is cleaning up my living space. I've cleared out a path on the floor and pulled out some clothes I don't wear and other items to dispose of (for example: boxes things were shipped or purchased in). Feels like an accomplishment but also depression or something like it is nipping at my shadows, so it is difficult not to feel also hollow.

Another project which has been catching my attention lately is the cataloguing of my music collection and transcribing the liner notes, so that when I travel I can still have that information with me. It also gives me a push to actually read those and maybe learn something from them. Currently I have a suite of edits pending on Musicbrainz for one of the albums early on - your hundred best Piano Tunes IV - and while I'm waiting for those edits to go through I've jumped ahead a few to where the liner notes project has been laying fallow. That's partway through transcibing the booklet for The Beatles Anthology 1, the first really substantial booklet from my collection. Only one other has had more than a page of information with it, and that's the aforementioned album of piano music. Now I'm reading through the Beatles booklet to try and understand the formatting decisions of past-me, and whether I endorse them.

I had hoped to have the Pathfinder game started by the 23rd, which corresponds to the in-game date on which the Rise of the Runelords campaign begins, but that is looking less likely. Some players have dropped out and I haven't been able to get character sheets from any of the others. Telling myself not to worry about that because if it does work and we can play, that will be worth more than any arbitrary deadline or calendar synchronicity. And I should work at getting more encounters and NPCs prepared in advance too. For now, looking like 2 or 3 players.

Current Mood: hopeful

=== Ambiguity from 2017-07-13 ===

One of those days where I have a shift at the library starting from 17:00, so the whole day takes place in its shadow. Nonetheless I managed to achieve many of the goals I'd set for myself today. Mostly, preparation for that Pathfinder game I keep talking about.

First of all, how easily I can get maps or other handout type pictures from the adventure PDFs. Turns out to be quite easy - just about as simple as right click -> save image. Editing in layers to do some simple 'fog of war' effect seems rather straightforward in GNU Image Manipulation Program so it should be fairly quick to unveil and reupload as the players explore new areas of the dungeon or other space.

Have not solved: anything for creature tokens or player avatars, which may need an adjustment of map scale to make those legible and practical.

Meanwhile at work feeling lazy, too unfocused and distracted. Wondering whether I can maintain focus in my life overall - do work at work, do fun and personal project stuff at home. This is a constant refrain and little likely to come of it, but we keep trying. And keep on feeling like cutting down on social media will open space for "actually doing" things. But it is so useful for the little gaps with nothing else and anyway... a sigh.

Current Music: The Unguarded Moment - The Church

=== Monday ===

Maybe yesterday's post should have been split in two, to separate out the game talk from the workplace whining. In follow-up to that, it seems the person I was filling in for on Saturday is currently hospitalised. I won't write out my speculations as to why, but I hope she will soon be in good health.

Latest surly rescue-cat is being sick at the moment. Has apparently been vomiting quite a bit. Checking on occasionally for status but mostly when I'm around is just sleeping and keeping to self. Cat's been named Lilly by family (I tend to say Lillith) and hopefully will feel better soon. And not pass on whatever it is to the other cats, who at least are still avoiding em.

Trying to redirect my energy more into doing what I want (projects and fun activities) and journalling, and less into social media. It's difficult. There is a lot of inertial habit to overcome and the blank moments. Especially the gaps between, when there just isn't enough time for me to work on anything at all big.

=== Sunday ===

This is about the time of night where I start to berate myself for wasting the day and my life. I should remember that my goal for the day was to do something creative, and last night I defined playing + streaming Zork as counting for that purpose. And I managed to do that! - [the recording can be found here ""https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kdVQGyphFz8""]. Plus I made a slightly fancy dinner. Anything more complicated than microwaving or sandwich feels like victory there. And I'm writing this, and I played some Go,

So, today has been a good day? Good company and good times with, and accomplished some things that are goals, even if small. Reminding myself of this helps to feel better.

Current Mood: productive

Solitude brings memory and memory brings pain. Today, as has happened before, feeling that so much time has been lost to seeking stimulus, suppressing thought so as not to face hurt, and this must change. Yet, this revolution will not happen. The way of things will persist.

Today at work - an unexpected shift, called at last minute to cover the afternoon - whenever I got moments to myself away from colleagues and from patrons I found myself fighting off sobbing. Maybe this was better than if I had stayed home.

I'm doing a lot of missing, heartsick, not knowing where I stand or what the future might be now. Maybe I don't want to know.

What I've got to do is build the best I can for me, and if I'm lucky find a hoped-for future. If not, at least I will have something?

Keep forgetting to say that I have recently finished a six week stint as the acting weekend supervisor at the library. That position has been varying degrees of vacant for nearly a year ago, when the previous occupant got promoted to fill the role of my previous supervisor, who'd been pushed out by the municipal council. Originally applied for it back in July, was interviewed but didn't get it. Then after that person's term another part-timer was appointed, who for the sake of not giving out names but having referents I will refer to as my rival.

One of the existing weekend staff quit over that, finding it a last straw out of many issues she'd had - she did declare a few times the position ought to have been given to me, but she had plenty of other cause. But, this rival of mine had been working. Anyway, that was a temporary appointment while the library was advertising for someone to fill the role permanently instead of temporarily.

Got interviewed for it but again was not hired. The library picked someone else, who then found a better job and bailed before starting. Then I was asked to fill in as the acting weekend supervisor while the job was re-advertised - rival had left for a better job elsewhere, which I hadn't got my application in on time. That was a real big downer, knowing I was not even third choice for the job and even though management had encouraged me to apply they were explicit about not believing I had the experience. Co-workers were encouraging, however, and kept saying they trust me and I ought to have the job permanently. I worry that just means I'm easy to get around.

Obviously I didn't bother applying for a third time. I just tried my best to do well for the six weeks I had and, since I was being paid at a higher hourly rate for the duration, pick up as many extra shfits as I could. It was a bit of a kick in the gut tho that despite having gotten a full-time, much better paying job elsewhere the rival stayed on as a casual employee to work Saturdays, and both she and first fill-in continued to act as if they were in charge and assigning tasks to other staff. Plus, the former weekend supervisor, now all the way up to acting manager of the entire weekend, came in a couple of weekends and spent an hour or two socialising with the rival, scarcely acknowledging my existence (think I got about a sentence each time).

If this all sounds sulky and resentful I guess it is. Of course, I haven't done anything to earn respect and obedience but at least I got some extra cash out of them and some experience I can put on my CV for future jobs. As much as the rest stung me, that was my goal achieved and now I'm trying to drop right down on taking any additional shifts, to just focus on what I'm hired for and keep the rest of the week for living the best life someone like me can manage.

Still, as disruptive as it was (and I hope this does not recur - I'm no longer on a list for last-minute calls) it was nice to be called in for the Saturday afternoon by the outsider who ultimately did get the weekend supervisor job, and to be relied on. Most of the staff were new, so got to put all that obnoxious brain-wiring that maps work related layouts and protocols to use. It was nice being counted on, being trusted as reliable and authoritative, and I wish I could get that elsewhere in my life.

That's an ongoing struggle and not anything I'm anywhere close to resolving.

On the brighter side of things, the Pathfinder books I ordered have all arrived. The Rise of the Runelords adventure path arrived a week or two earlier so I've had time to go over the first chapter and I guess technically got enough info to start running it already. But I'm worried and wanting to make sure I'm prepared to do my best, so want to first go over resource books offering guidance in running campaigns.

And need to sort out how to go about actually running the thing and any aids to work with. Tess suggests a Discord or Slack server, which should be straightforward enough to accommodate a dynamic flow of play according to how many players are around at a time and how much engagement they have available. But I should sort something out for maps and character tokens, and a more dynamic way of doing digital character sheets than scanning and printing character sheets.

Therefore, the two things I should do are: i) get on with that reading, ii) put some effort into learning about tools which suit my needs, and iii) sorting out players and expectations and doing any teaching how to play which needs doing.

Still, I wrote this. It took a day longer but I wanted to write it and I did. That's moving in the right direction.

Current Mood: surprised
Current Music: Open Sesame (The Rudy Van Gelder Edition) by Freddie Hubbard

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aesmael

May 2022

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Entries tagged with daily life

Words of seven days past, surfaced for your amusement

In the interval

Wounded conflict

From fire to flood

Is it a trap?

Teaching a cat to fish

For the sake of saying something

A ramble a week late

Cosing home, shaping stars

You know what? This

Perpetually catching up

Making progress

Missing?

Kruge day

Twice in a Lifetime

(no subject)

Meanwhile

Up and down

Two pieces a week apart

And now the weekend