aesmael

[Me]:I'm scared of people. :(
[Me]:I want to be by myself where no one can get angry with me. But I don't want to be alone. Contradictory desires.
[Me]:Thinking about that... makes sense if I still don't see myself as an adult capable of seeing myself as on an equal footing with other adults. Seems like my way of processing interactions with other people is "they are the beings with power. I have to appease them or they will get angry with me and hurt me, physically and or emotionally".

Originally published at a denizen's entertainment. You can comment here or there.

*walks past laundry and into family room*

Mother: What's up?
Me: ... I walked too far.

Originally published at a denizen's entertainment. You can comment here or there.

(04:12:04) celestialjayde: "I find it interesting that when people are friendly to me I expect it to be a some form of entrapment or manipulation. Was going to say 'not sure why' except there are precedents... it just has not been a consistent feature of my past so I feel a bit unjustified in feeling so."
Well, but I feel myself unjustified in pretty much all areas.
(04:13:16) Pazi: Mrrr.
(04:13:20) Pazi: Have noticed that.
(04:13:55) celestialjayde: That I feel unjustified?
(04:15:10) Pazi: *nod(
(04:15:28) Pazi: Seem to presume that your thoughts/feelings are lacking in validation, not to be trusted much
(04:16:13) celestialjayde: Aye. Don't have so many experiences after all.
(04:16:35) celestialjayde: Was saying to mantic_angel not long ago, don't see myself in just about anyone's narrative.
(04:17:41) celestialjayde: So I don't feel I can claim anything to myself or speak up as among any group because I look at the stories of those people and I don't see myself there. Sometimes a little bit if I stretch.
(04:20:04) Pazi: *nodding*
(04:25:04) celestialjayde: That and reading your latest comment here - http://pazi-ashfeather.livejournal.com/229661.html - reminds me of intending to write something about revisiting most recent psychologist for seeking help late last year, and the focus on post-happening analysis from when she assured my family of me being knowing what I am doing that-
*takes breath*
The focus being on acknowledging that I was too soon immediately after in trying to express to my mother why it hurt me to presume autism made me incompetent unless certified otherwise by a professional, and not on the bit where I broke under pressure to lie and claim wrongdoing on my part during the argument just to get my mother to stop hurting and pushing at me and let me be alone.
(04:26:30) celestialjayde: Because the more I think about that, the angrier I am that her focus was on teaching me I misjudged a social moment to express my pain and not on the bit where the response to this was me being beaten down into a broken apologetic wreck.
(04:27:23) celestialjayde: And I do specifically use 'broken' here in the sense of 'people under torture can eventually be pressured to capitulate to anything simply to make the pain go away'.
(04:28:30) Pazi: *noddly*
(04:30:02) celestialjayde: I worry that linking to torture is too strong a term to apply here. Don't know how else to describe a situation where I knowingly betrayed my own principles in order to make it stop hurting.

Current Mood: angry

(04:25:24) celestialjayde: http://sexinthepublicsquare.org/ERVsBlog/Microbiology-and-Abortion
also this is intriguing
(04:27:04) Ami angelwings: Planned Parenthood's recommendation to use the abortion-causing drug Misoprostol vaginally rather than orally has led to fatal infections according to a research study released by the University of Michigan.
(04:27:15) Ami angelwings: if i was a scientist upon reading that
(04:27:37) Ami angelwings: i would go into one of the radioactive labs and irradiate myself
(04:27:39) Ami angelwings: gain super powers
(04:27:45) Ami angelwings: and go destroy them for misrepresenting my work

(18:33:21) Trice AshFeather: http://pecunium.livejournal.com/378790.html
Y'know, I think he is not pleased.
(18:35:21) Pazi AshFeather: I am uncertain.
(18:35:23) Pazi AshFeather: He may be.
(18:35:32) ***Pazi AshFeather feels rather similarly
(18:35:38) Trice AshFeather: Yes.
(18:35:58) Trice AshFeather: I want there to be a scourging and a casting of light, a thorough repudiation.
(18:36:02) Trice AshFeather: But I dare not hope.
(18:36:25) Trice AshFeather: I believe it will not happen. I believe they will go free, without even legal charge.
(18:36:55) Trice AshFeather: Because this isn't the story we read to feel better.
(18:37:29) Pazi AshFeather: *nodding, strained look*
(18:37:45) Pazi AshFeather: I hate feeling like any serious attempt to take them to task would be doomed to failure.
(18:38:49) Trice AshFeather: It would succeed, if the people who were in a position to do it were willing.
(18:39:03) Trice AshFeather: That's what bothers me. No one who can cares enough to do.
(18:39:48) Pazi AshFeather: *nod*
(18:39:55) Pazi AshFeather: I don't quite dare hope.
(18:40:33) Pazi AshFeather: I get to live with this scourge on the name of my national identity as seen by others.

Current Mood: worried

(12:44:46) aesmael: Mm, tempting to switch to Seamonkey from Firefox. That would be silly though, since I don't use Thunderbird.
(12:46:17) pazi_ashfeather: Mrrr.
(12:46:23) pazi_ashfeather: Sea monkey.
(12:46:36) aesmael: "It was adapted as an anime, Azumanga Daioh: the Animation, which was produced by J.C.Staff and aired from the week of April 8, 2002 until the week of September 30, 2002.[4] It was broadcast on TV Tokyo, Aichi Television Broadcasting, Television Osaka, and AT-X in five-minute segments every weekday,[5] then repeated as a 25-minute compilation that weekend, for a total of 130 five-minute segments collected in 26 episodes. The compilation episodes, which were the only versions to include the title and credits sequences, were released on VHS and DVD by Starchild Records;[6] the five-minute segments can be distinguished by their individual titles."
This explains a bit.
(12:46:47) pazi_ashfeather: Space tamarin.
(12:46:47) pazi_ashfeather: Desert crested ape.
(12:46:58) pazi_ashfeather: Tundra tarsier.
(12:47:04) aesmael: Ice weasel!
(12:47:13) aesmael: Tundra tarsier > ice weasel.
(12:48:17) pazi_ashfeather: Tundra tarsier > all things
(12:51:24) aesmael: This be true.
(12:51:44) pazi_ashfeather: All things = food for tundra tarsier
(12:52:12) pazi_ashfeather: It is immense, striding across the tundra and even into the taiga with grand sweeping steps of its hundred-meter legs.
(12:52:41) pazi_ashfeather: It devours anything that its vast eyes -- themselves as wide across as football stadia -- can see, including even the soil and the bedrock underneath.
(12:52:47) pazi_ashfeather: Stops at the magma for practicality's sake.
(12:53:27) pazi_ashfeather: Because it is monstrous and prefers live, active prey, it preferentially saves geological formations for last, preferring to consume animals first and then plants when none are to be found.
(12:56:55) aesmael: Uh, honey... I don't think that's a tarsier any more.
(12:57:59) pazi_ashfeather: Is.
(12:58:03) pazi_ashfeather: Just very large, ravenous one.
(13:01:15) aesmael: Well, you are the biologist of the family...

Current Mood: happy
Current Music: rain

(18:56:15) celestialjayde: I don't know, tend to feel like by definition, if can do well, therefore not so bad.
(18:56:49) Pazi: Mrrr.
(18:57:27) Pazi: Mrr.
(18:57:39) Pazi: Everyone has things they must or can do.
(18:58:07) Pazi: Some people are good at some things, bad at others. Varies by individual.
(18:58:20) Pazi: Society says normal people are all good at x and bad at y
(18:58:28) celestialjayde: http://www.theglobeandmail.com/servlet/story/RTGAM.20081128.wldoses28/BNStory/specialScienceandHealth/home
The news about resuscitation is important.
(18:58:41) Pazi: You are good at some of x, and some of y, bad at some of x and some of y, and so you are told you are not normal and therefore not good.
(18:58:43) celestialjayde: Society could never be wrong.
(18:59:00) Pazi: But you can have strong difficulties with a part of your life others find basic, yet be brilliant at things they cannot.
(18:59:33) Pazi: You grasp science, logic and language use in ways so fundamental that you are probably better with them than many science buffs, even if there are gaps in your education on paper.
(18:59:53) Pazi: This is not a trivial thing, it's just that society says normal people aren't good at those things.
(19:00:04) Pazi: Which is quite foolish, if you ask me.
(19:00:16) Pazi: You have difficulty with some things most people find trivially easy.
(19:00:22) Pazi: But...take it from me, sweetheart?
(19:01:03) Pazi: Your stated perspective, and observable behavior around polyamory, or indeed, relationships in general, bespeak a level of expertise and insight I think most never achieve.
(19:01:25) Pazi: You may not have as much hands-on experience with it is as some, but...
(19:01:34) Pazi: Mrr. I never passed a biology class, either.
(19:01:40) Pazi: Not since high school.
(19:02:18) celestialjayde: That is something I find very surprising, since you are so very broad and deep in your knowledge.
(19:02:51) celestialjayde: Mm. Was thinking as you were saying just above, it is excellently phrased what you have said, something we and others would do well to internalise. Would you mind if I posted it?
(19:03:34) Pazi: Not at all.
(19:03:44) celestialjayde: Kay, thank you.

Read it generalised, not specific. That's my advice.

Current Mood: impressed
Current Music: Astronomy!

(17:19:56) Pazi AshFeather: I am visualizing two possible extremes.
(17:30:06) Pazi AshFeather: In one, you arrive. The three of us form an instantaneous, permanent communicative bond that borders on the telepathic. Just the sheer knowledge that someone else is out there like us, that we can rely on each other overwhelms our respective cognitive difficulties with a quiet, sublime confidence, granting a zen like mastery over our own abilities and potential. Within moments, it is decided that you will not be leaving, and a fortuitous congressional vote allows for poly, trans, gay marriage. Within days we are wed, and after our Japan honeymoon we return home to Vancouver and become successful, world-renowned artists. Years before old age truly sets in for any of us, a method of uploading human consciousness will be perfected and distributed freely to the masses; having been prepared for this eventuality by a lifetime of thinking sappy romantic transhumanist thoughts, we are fully able to explore the ripe possibilities posed by recursive self-improvement, culminating in our joint solution to the physics equations governing entropy and the complete rescue of our universe from the heat death.

In the other, your plane begins to sputter and careen moments before landing, driving the nose of the aircraft through the gates and striking a horrifically-out-of place liquid oxygen tank. The ensuing explosion not only immolates the airport, much of the surrounding countryside, and all therein, but also unseals a deadly microbe from a nearby bioresearch facility. It is a more efficient decay organism than any ever seen before or since on Earth, and it supplants the most basic levels of our food chain and quickly wipes out a majority of land-dwelling organisms. Virulent, competitive and highly adaptable, it soon displaces all life on Earth more sophisticated than some extremely lucky archaea living in marginal, hostile environments. Millenia later, a freak genetic defect propagates throughout the species, rendering it incapable of reproduction or even survival. In less than decade, every single one has succumbed to a wasting disease and dissolved into component plasms. An ill-timed solar storm irradiates the Earth, sterilizing all biotic compounds left from the dead microbes and alleviating them of the potential for further evolution.

I suspect that what actually happens will lie somewhere between those two scenarios.

Current Mood: loved
Current Music: ABC Radio National - Science Show - 2007-11-17

(11:22:35 AM) celestialjayde: http://www.feministing.com/archives/011752.html#comment-190065
Amanda Marcotte can go back to her hole now.
(11:23:24 AM) Ami angelwings: she's still alive?
(11:23:27 AM) Ami angelwings: i'll brb
(11:23:39 AM) Ami angelwings has signed off.

The original post is enough of a bother, with its bleak and judgemental characterisation of long distance relationships, without having that rubbish added in. Certainly I personally would prefer more proximal living arrangements with those I love, but doing so practically is still at least a year in our future.

I do personally have difficulty meeting and associating with people in person, but I am actually trying harder to do so now I have people in my life, and previously I was much more socially isolated. However I do not like to make the argument that long distance relationships are acceptable on the basis that they promote socially approved outcomes. A person's relationships are eir own business so long as they are consensual and non-abusive for all involved, and while consideration of environmental footprints is important, I dislike seeing LDRs singled out as particularly egregious in this matter when so far as I see this fits better as part of discussion about daily living in general.

Mostly, this reads to me as yet another lament that on-line socialising is somehow an antisocial act, that connecting with people in unapproved ways is an act of disconnection.

Edit:

pecunium makes a whole slew of good points in his post, which was where I found out about the feministing post originally.

Current Mood: amused
Current Music: Enigma - The Cross of Changes

Compare and contrast

(7:08:42 PM) Trice AshFeather: Pan-cattastic
(7:09:15 PM) Trice AshFeather: Sunset is pretty.
(7:09:16 PM) Pazi AshFeather: Pancat.
(7:09:19 PM) Pazi AshFeather: Pancake cat.
(7:09:22 PM) Pazi AshFeather: Mrr.
(7:09:24 PM) Pazi AshFeather: Sunset...
(7:09:27 PM) Pazi AshFeather: You is pretty
(7:09:35 PM) Trice AshFeather: I am a sunset?
(7:09:47 PM) Pazi AshFeather: No. Logical fallacy.

(7:09:17 PM) celestialjayde: Sunset is pretty.
(7:09:26 PM) manticangel: *glances at very black window* Yes, isn't it...
(7:09:47 PM) celestialjayde: That's eclipse, honey.
(7:09:55 PM) manticangel: No dear, that's *night time* :)
(7:10:39 PM) celestialjayde: AKA Local Body Eclipse.

Current Mood: happy
Current Music: Enigma - Gravity of Love

(5:45:48 AM) Ele: I think the truest answer is that poetry is about exploding form and exploring sound to arrive at a meaning that is the truest possible iteration of what is inside your head.

Current Mood: creative

(2:31:39 PM) Tess AshFeather: The problem with dating a bird is that you really can't get away. We'll just land on your head and make a nest of your hair.
(2:32:08 PM) Trice AshFeather: ♥♥♥

Current Mood: loved
Current Music: nomusic

(5:29:21 AM) Pazi AshFeather: It is okay, dear. One day the human race will go extinct, or be radically altered in some fashion, and then we will not have government idiocy.
(5:29:44 AM) Tricia AshFeather: :)
(5:29:52 AM) Tricia AshFeather: You always know how to cheer me up.

Current Mood: sleepy
Current Location: bed
Current Music: Seth Shostak - Live from Arecibo

Second
There are some thoughts which give pause when encountered, come with warning flags. "I don't doubt..." is one.

First
"What is it that you are female?"

"It is a matter of foundational definition. Part of my purpose in being."

Current Mood: blank

(17:28:35) Pazi: Slow down hon.
(17:28:49) Pazi: What's going on?
(17:29:07) Trice: Um, thing.

Current Mood: giggly
Current Music: Brothers in Arms - Gregorian [Masters of Chant]

"I need help. I don't know what to do about the dragon."
- She doesn't talk to you (anymore?).	And Jayde still motionless in the grass behind this figure, not unconscious but stopped. Inaccessible.Or sitting not facing me. I cannot distinguish.
"You. Again." My lips twitch to be so cryptic. Always composed for an audience, even in private thought. "But why not?"
- Because she never did, not her function. Because you tricked and trapped yourself and locked her away for this story and now she is stuck. Because you refused to listen for so long she gave up. Pick one (or another?). You are already stealing from her.
"..." Pause. Frustrated swirl.
- You think it the second, fear it another. Want to set her free again, to follow her [I silence her before she can continue, say things I do not want said yet if ever. She is affronted. I can do this only as editor and her unspoken words echo, seeding.]	- Amusing, daring.
"You are not going to tell me how to solve this."
- In the role you have cast me in I cannot. It would be a violation of convention. Your doing choice or not. [She steps aside of that frozen image, that role, and approaches me speaking, so much resembling Jayde in her yellow dress] But I still cannot say; if any of us know the answer to your worded question we are not saying or you are not listening. But you do not need to do things in the order you think you do, you do not need to stall with problems as they happen or stay the course you set, and things which happened can be unhappened even if they were real. Stubborn.	- Still you think me she - hope or fear. But we are incompatible.
She presses her fingers to my forehead and casts me back here, outside.

Wasteland, we are tempted reflexively to call it, but maybe it has other names and functions. Neutral ground, meeting ground. Possibly. We blended somewhat. Echoes of our other possible conversations reverberating on every word. The larger questions unasked, wary to confront. Time does not stop for me.

She did me the courtesy of not requiring their asking.

Current Mood: blank
Current Location: ?
Current Music: Ruria - Blood the Last Vampire [soundtrack]

(05:58:16) celestialjayde: It is very weird that people talk about me.
(05:58:35) celestialjayde: I always figured in an unthinking way that I ceased to exist to people when they were not around.

Current Mood: blank
Current Music: hajimari wa itsumo - T.L. Signal [SPHERE 6: Influential Mind Breaker]

"Not everyone's life is written by the same author."

Current Mood: amused
Current Music: Mea Culpa - Enigma [Love Sensuality Devotion: The Greatest Hits]

My sister (the other one) is back. She is playing The Sims 2 and instructing a sim to paint a portrait, possibly of a staircase.

not-aesmael: What? It's art.

aesmael: If I don't understand it, it must be art.

not-aesmael: So life is art.

Current Mood: cheerful
Current Music: The Beatles - Flying

[05:35] Jayde: At least Lucas did not have the Death Star turn out to be Unicron.
[05:35] Jayde: Although that may have been awesome.
[05:36] ami_angelwings: that WOULD be awesome
[05:36] ami_angelwings: XD
[05:36] ami_angelwings: unicron is basically vader mixed with the death star tho
[05:37] Jayde: So what you are saying is we should have Vader fuse with the Death Star and transform into a giant sith robot?
[05:37] ami_angelwings: yus
[05:37] ami_angelwings: :D

Current Mood: amused
Current Location: seated in grass, nestled by tree, draped under blanked
Current Music: Valley of Mist - See-Saw [.hack OST1]

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aesmael

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Entries tagged with conversational

Still a child at heart

Truly, these are the days of our lives

Delayed reaction

Media representation of science solved

Another spot of conversational shorthand

Primates of the lesser-known varieties

Posting in reverse

Official House Prognosticator

Today's mission... FAILED

Attempted logic

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Sometimes, between talk of superweapons and the upcoming cybernetic revolution...

Someday...

Two

You should totally rely on me in a crisis

Convention (and memory) Limited n

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There is still time for some more editing...

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May 2022

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