aesmael: (Electric Waves)
Since recently finding some slight ability to organise my time - this is how I have been able to be cleaning - I have also been using this new-found time to catch up on things I have let get away from me. This includes email and LiveJournal comments; I stopped making a policy of checking those in March 2007, so there is a fair bit of catching up to do. I think you can imagine.

Last night I deleted 34 pages from my Hotmail inbox and have since moved on to Gmail. Why? Because there have been things I wanted to reply to but had set aside for 'later' and because I want to get rid of distracting clutter, have most available what I most want to be there.

Doing this has also stirred up a few memories. Like when my cat died in 2006, before I had met anyone I still am in contact with. Or the different styles of presentation and identity I have (and still) cycle(d) through. Right now I am up to my first, self-introductory post in [livejournal.com profile] transgender. It was surprising (fun and interesting) to see who replied and how many of those people have been or became ongoing contacts, often for reasons unrelated to that post.

[livejournal.com profile] jaydestwilight, who was regular on my flist until vanishing. Is considered something of a prototype for the artistic, mysteriously ethereal and vaguely snobbish.
[livejournal.com profile] udonman, was someone I met prior to joining LJ, the only contact I had here for about a week, and at the time we were tending to being an item. But we have nearly no contact these days.
[livejournal.com profile] ftmichael surprisingly did NOT give me a list of resources. That may have been the only direct interaction we had.
[livejournal.com profile] aki_no_kaze was someone I wanted to add for a long time after, but did not because I felt I needed to 'justify' that sort of thing.
[livejournal.com profile] kittymink. I still don't know this person.
[livejournal.com profile] xtractdthoughts. Nor this one.
[livejournal.com profile] anti_peace_riot, AKA [livejournal.com profile] varinobo. Was a mutual contact for a long while before defriending me without explanation.
[livejournal.com profile] ishottheserif. It seems we have been on hugging terms much longer than I realised. May have been the first person I gave ~public textual hugs to.
[livejournal.com profile] whimsical_esper. Someone I added for being awesome elsewhere, not realising we'd previously met!

So done I bow, and bid adieu for now.
*vanishes 'mid smoke again into the depths of history*
aesmael: (transformation)

Originally published at a denizen's entertainment. You can comment here or there.

I remember when I was younger, being clumsy, clueless and spaced out. The sort of child who would blunder into a situation and have little awareness of what was going on while still in its midst. I felt I was left out of explanations and plans everyone else was clued into and could only look around in confusion when situations unexpectedly changed, listlessly attempting to mimic those around me in hope of finding footing.

One thing I came out of that with was a belief I have zero fashion sense or ability to coordinate colours. I still find myself frequently unaware of what to do, how to do, when and in what order, so these days I ask. I think I used to believe I had to work everything out myself, that if I were as smart as everyone told me, I would be able to do that. At some point this changed and was replaced with the belief that intelligent sensible, responsible and humane behaviour included admitting error and ignorance, and seeking help. So I ask questions.

Maybe I always did ask but do not recall. Maybe I have carried through my life the appearance, and perhaps the fact, of helplessness. Maybe it is consequently natural for people to assume I could not know what I am doing or be aware of my situation and the decisions I make, and to believe that my life should be ordered according to the democratic input of others. Yeah, maybe I look like I need people to tell me how to live.

I still am often clueless and stumbling my way through life. I have long believed myself basically incompetent at living. And I am afraid of confidence, because when I am confident and when I relax my hold on myself is when I blunder most and cause hurt or ruin. However I do not want my autonomy to belong to others. Even if I seek input I do not wish to turn over the decision itself. And I do not wish to believe I need this.

That seems a bit ironic.

aesmael: (transformation)
[Error: unknown template qotd]

This is convenient. Over the past couple of days I had been considering writing a post on this topic.

In my earliest memory I could not have been older than three years, almost certainly under two on account of where we were living. I had just woken up, and recall a strong impression of green, likely the carpet. What I recall most, however, are my thoughts. I wondered if this world were real or illusion, suspecting I might not have woken up and I or someone else were dreaming. I could not be sure, so I went along with this provisional reality just in case, resolved to consider this further as I could.

The matter remains under investigation.
aesmael: (Electric Waves)
Sometimes I think about the occasionally seen fictional story in which a person wishes their life had been different. Often the 'moral of the story' is they are better off with the life they had (seen as a subset of that class of stories which serves to reinforce the status quo and quash any attempt to push for change) but I still wonder about people who would find such altered lives improved, who would not want to undo such a wish.

I wondered about people who would be happier if their lives were one way rather than another and if such a thing could ever happen, if it ever had. I wondered, personally, if there could have been someone I knew who had been miserable, had had such a wish granted and so we never met, or met differently. If there were anyone I had or would meet who had done such a thing and were happier for it.

I wondered, if I were to encounter such a person, would I be able to tell? It was a general presumption that ve would not verself be aware, since that seemed rather the point. Maybe a person might once have been a great friend of mine and we could pass each other on the street and not be aware of that possibility.

What I would want to say if I did meet someone who made such a choice, who had such a wish come true, is that even if there might have been some good things which now never were, I am glad for them that they have found something better and even if it is not wonderful at all times, if they have found a happier life then I am happy for them.

I like to think that even if I never say this directly to someone, a person might read and realise it could be meant for them.

In all my wonderings I never did until now wonder if that person might be me. I did wonder if I might make such a wish and stick by it, and concluded no, but I do not recall ever wondering if I had already. Asked that way, I might have. This life contains very much happiness when I let myself feel it.

Love,
Millicent Skade
aesmael: (Me)
Reminds me of something I used to watch when I was younger (and it was shown):

Link goes here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vrDiW00__C4
aesmael: (tricicat)
Way back in March of last year I decided to resume writing in earnest, as I had been doing less and less over previous years. To aid in this I also started using a spreadsheet to track how many words I wrote, so I could have something to look at and show myself I was getting somewhere.

Further, I also set myself goals with the intention of getting into a productive habit. For the first month, one hundred words each day. Two hundred in the second and finally four hundred words each day of the fourth month, which was intended to be kept up indefinitely.

Over the course of the year I made three attempts at making it to the fourth month in this system and each time I stumbled at the 300/day mark and did not write anything for about a month after. Possibly from this I should take the lesson that two hundred words per day is the most I can manage now and to stay with that until I find myself comfortably exceeding it.

The last time I attempted it, in October, November and December of last year, I made some further alterations to my goals since they really did not take into account the need for editing or the fickleness of writing. It was not much of a change, really: treating the daily target as an average to be aimed for rather than a firm line which must be crossed each day, and two new columns. One to show my average word count for the month so far and one to show me the average I need to make to meet that month's goal.

In retrospect I think it worked well. My final sheet for the month of December tells me the total amount of fiction I wrote was 48,571 words. I do not have numbers for any previous year to compare with but it is a nice large number and I am suitably impressed, even if it would not quite make a nanowrimo novel. I did write the second part of a triplet of novelettes/short stories, which possibly made the bulk of that word total, along with making substantial progress on a couple of other long-term projects and transcribing two of my longer stories to electronic form.

Containing a list of Nonreal Things, with accompanying links )
aesmael: (Electric Waves)
    Watched it for the first time last night. It was just as tangentially related to the source material as I expected and bore, in my opinion, closer resemblance to Caves of Steel and Caliban than I, Robot. Very surprised to discover the central character was not named Elijah Bailey (just looked it up; I am terrible with character names in film).
    What I think annoyed me most was that they made Susan Calvin into the sidekick. She is a brilliant robopsychologist, not someone who needs Hansel & Gretel explained to her, nor a person who needs constant saving. She was one of my childhood heroes and it was painful seeing her made a foil to the protagonist.
    I suppose there is no market for science fiction detective stories.
    The truth is, I did not actually pay much attention to the film. It simply was not interesting. I only watched it to compare with the original collection

    Now I suppose I should scrounge around for a copy to reassure myself that Susan really was intelligent, perceptive, sharp... I remember her as being middle-aged too, although she has been older and younger in stories. *sigh* She did have a nice coat.

    The rest of the film is very rantable too. I do not think I can consider this film for what it is or tried to be; it reminds me too much of what it is not.
aesmael: (haircut)
I was watching an old tape of Transformers last night. It doesn't seem too likely to me that a kids show made these days would blithely show a good character gambling (and cheating at it) and then going for force when they still don't get what they want, let alone having the main role model character endorse the activity at the end of the episode.

News from Enceladus (AKA that moon the name of which I always forget how to spell): Emily Lakdawalla of the Planetary Society writes about two papers, one suggesting that chemicals detected in Enceladus' geysers indicate warmth and chemical activity (warm here apparently means 300 to 575 degress Celsius, wow!). The other paper deduces from the lower elevation of the moon's south polar region that there could be a reservoir of melted water beneath the surface (this is where the geysers are active, I believe)

And now for something I forgot to include in my post last night:

Story Linkdex
fiction tag
A Day in the Life

Meditation
Rain
Maricia
'Vhrydal' Sketch
'Krellain + Than' Sketch
Sliced
untitled story
First
Jayde
  1. 'This Land' 1
  2. 'This Land' 2
  3. 'This Land' 3
  4. 'This Land' 4
Epic Fantasy
  1. Black Riders

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