2014-01-31

aesmael: (nervous)

Had an assignment due at the end of last month. Got it in on time but since then I keep thinking of things I should have done and ways I should have presented it but of course that is all too late now.

Meanwhile I arrived in Minneapolis on Thursday, which is a different Thursday than I departed on. The flight was long and tiring, and complicated by the plane I was on departing and arriving late, meaning I most definitely missed my connection. Am lucky that got sorted by the airline and myself redirected at a two-stage flight here (instead of the direct one booked), as I was on the verge of tears and scared at what to do stranded in a foreign country far from anyone I knew and possibly out of contact with them all.

I did end up getting in contact with people, at least enough to let them know circumstances had changed and reassure that I was safe and all. Late night arrival instead of early evening.

Slept long and late, no surprise. Been perpetually tired and overloaded and probably socially overwhelmed since I have got here - frequently feeling like I need to or am about to cry. Imagine I’ve probably been snappish and difficult too.

Feel bad because I am here to be with people I love but maybe it is too much for me. Maybe I just cannot handle life.

Am looking forward to having quiet time tomorrow, hopefully I will not ruin it for myself by trying to do more than can be actually fit into a single day.

aesmael: (haircut)

I don’t have to keep wanting ways of being or socialities which I know I would not like if I had them, but which I keep feeling I should want and strive for anyway.

aesmael: (nervous)
  • [Me]:I'm scared of people. :(
  • [Me]:I want to be by myself where no one can get angry with me. But I don't want to be alone. Contradictory desires.
  • [Me]:Thinking about that... makes sense if I still don't see myself as an adult capable of seeing myself as on an equal footing with other adults. Seems like my way of processing interactions with other people is "they are the beings with power. I have to appease them or they will get angry with me and hurt me, physically and or emotionally".

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aesmael

May 2022

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