2009-07-15

Originally published at a denizen's entertainment. You can comment here or there.

(04:12:04) celestialjayde: "I find it interesting that when people are friendly to me I expect it to be a some form of entrapment or manipulation. Was going to say 'not sure why' except there are precedents... it just has not been a consistent feature of my past so I feel a bit unjustified in feeling so."
Well, but I feel myself unjustified in pretty much all areas.
(04:13:16) Pazi: Mrrr.
(04:13:20) Pazi: Have noticed that.
(04:13:55) celestialjayde: That I feel unjustified?
(04:15:10) Pazi: *nod(
(04:15:28) Pazi: Seem to presume that your thoughts/feelings are lacking in validation, not to be trusted much
(04:16:13) celestialjayde: Aye. Don't have so many experiences after all.
(04:16:35) celestialjayde: Was saying to [livejournal.com profile] mantic_angel not long ago, don't see myself in just about anyone's narrative.
(04:17:41) celestialjayde: So I don't feel I can claim anything to myself or speak up as among any group because I look at the stories of those people and I don't see myself there. Sometimes a little bit if I stretch.
(04:20:04) Pazi: *nodding*
(04:25:04) celestialjayde: That and reading your latest comment here - http://pazi-ashfeather.livejournal.com/229661.html - reminds me of intending to write something about revisiting most recent psychologist for seeking help late last year, and the focus on post-happening analysis from when she assured my family of me being knowing what I am doing that-
*takes breath*
The focus being on acknowledging that I was too soon immediately after in trying to express to my mother why it hurt me to presume autism made me incompetent unless certified otherwise by a professional, and not on the bit where I broke under pressure to lie and claim wrongdoing on my part during the argument just to get my mother to stop hurting and pushing at me and let me be alone.
(04:26:30) celestialjayde: Because the more I think about that, the angrier I am that her focus was on teaching me I misjudged a social moment to express my pain and not on the bit where the response to this was me being beaten down into a broken apologetic wreck.
(04:27:23) celestialjayde: And I do specifically use 'broken' here in the sense of 'people under torture can eventually be pressured to capitulate to anything simply to make the pain go away'.
(04:28:30) Pazi: *noddly*
(04:30:02) celestialjayde: I worry that linking to torture is too strong a term to apply here. Don't know how else to describe a situation where I knowingly betrayed my own principles in order to make it stop hurting.

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aesmael

May 2022

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