Citizenship Test?

[aesmael]

    Lately our PM has been talking about requiring a test for prospective citizens to demonstrate their knowledge of "Australian Values". Nabakov provides us with a sample:

"I propose a genuinely
grassroots “are you an real bloody ken oath Aussie at heart” challenge.
And like any good test where the answers really don’t fucking matter in
the long run, it’s multiple choice.

The Australian National Anthem is:
a) Advance Australia Fair;
b) Waltzing Matilda;
c) Friday On My Mind; or
d) Better The Devil You Know.

Australia’s sense of self worth is geographically located in:
a) the Eureka Stockade;
b) Uluru;
c) the Macquarie Bank boardroom; or
d) the MCG

Great Australians are world famous for:
a) brillant medical stuff;
b) state of art drag queen acts;
c) sport - and swimming, cricket and tennis too; or
d) shit-hot popular and cult rock and pop

When first encountering an Australian, do you say:
a) my shout?
b) your shout?
c) whose shout now?
d) I hear that when a Ford Territory pulls a Porsche Cayenne out of a
sloppy patch on the Daintree Road, it sounds remarkably like the kinda
wet fart you may generate after a big Thai red curry dinner accompanied
by an indifferent Green Point Brut sparkling wine

Name four great Australians who aren’t one of the following:
Don Laver, Dame Dundee, Kylie Norman or Crocodile Cave.

The transcendental drug of choice for most Australians is:
a) booze;
b) illegal;
c) uneasy self-esteem; or
d) most of the above

The supreme political leader of Australia is generally referred to in public as:
a) the Exalted Jewel in the Navel of the Great Elephant who is a River to his People;
b) that cunning little desiccated prick;
c) the Prime Minister; or
d) who cares? They’re all right conniving ratbags once they get to Canberra

Australia’s national animal is:
a) the dull but surprisingly tasty kangaroo;
b) the wombat, which eats roots and leaves;
c) the grumpy, sleepy, weak-bladdered, stoned and frequently psychotic koala; or
d) the larger often spotted hoon

Australia’s national drink is:
a) b**r;
b) abundant cheap wine;
c) B****y R*m: or
d) water, once we run out of it

When meeting an elected representative of what could possibly be your new homeland, should you:
a) kneel and knock your head three times on the ground;
b) sign anything he or she offers and don’t ask questions or declare the cash payments;
c) point out the local council is a bunch of time-serving self-obsessed
toadspawn and you could do much much better once you had a decent party
machine behind you; or
d) shudder and back away slowly and carefully while trying to avoid eye contact?

When asked to answer questionnaires about why Australia’s door bitches should let you through ,do you:
a) steadily work through the questions on a pattern recognition basis, answering to the best of your ability;
b) explain you’re a skilled and very wealthy migrant who has an
overwhelming urge to donate to the major political parties that do so
much to make Australia the vibrant democracy that it is;
c) do anything you think can with any document thrust at you while
hoping like buggery someone, anyone, in this weird but apparently
peaceful country will count and assess the number of ticks so you won’t
be sent back to the fucking awful place where your wife was blown into
bloody shreds while shopping at the local market for your daughter’s
5th birthday present. At least those gruff but strangely shy Aussie
airport security people let her hold onto that battered birthday
present and gave her an macadamia and apricot power bar to chew on
while Daddy was taken off for a strip search and a serious grilling; or
d) just dream about making up your own questionnaire."

(Thanks, Ken Parish [via Tim Dunlop])

Edit: Grodscorp gives examples of the values to be tested for, while Idiot/Savant show questions which won't be asked.

Comments

You Sayin' We Ain't Real?

[aesmael.livejournal.com]

I guess that means we fail, if we don't make it as a Haven. Well, the more I learn what goes on here the more disappointed I am. Except today. Today I learned about the fine folks referenced in this post.