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I think I have some insight now into what is going on with me over the past few days.
It has been less than 2.5 hours since I went to sleep and I am awake again. Scared, tired, trembling. Triumphant. I was not woken this time by a nightmare, possibly helped by a combination of increased awareness of the situation, overall improved mental state, and taking care to be thinking pleasing thoughts before sleeping. Instead I think I was woken by overheating, which is presently a trade-off so I would be able to sleep in the first place.
I think I am sick. This has been difficult to notice because I am not currently suffering from a cough or running nose. My ears, well. On Tuesday there were a couple of shifts as if their 'blocked status' had suddenly changed, leaving me feeling temporarily as if I were having difficulty hearing. On Monday and possibly a bit before I felt overheated and as if my body were radiating heat; I think I have had a fever over the past few days, but on Monday at least it was somewhat masked by the day itself being very hot. My joints have been aching too the past couple of days and my sleep has been fitful and easily disrupted.
The fever is very important. I have a history of some very unpleasant mental states associated with those; I am sure most people are familiar with the term 'fever dream' and suspect a majority have experienced this for themselves. When I was a child I had what have been described as night terrors; when I was sick I would keep my family awake through the night screaming uncontrollably from nightmares and sensory distress.
The nightmares would tend to focus, I think, on some story I had recently been exposed to. At least the only example I recall with an identifiable focus I can recall picked the first volume of The Death Gate Cycle even though that series has never been frightening to me. As for the sensory distress, that remains the most horrible experience I can recall. For a while now I have tried to find some way to describe it to others and found my attempts vague and severely lacking, but last night before sleeping I had an insight which I think will allow me to do a bit better now.
I do not know how much of this is commonplace among people, as I do not recall seeing it described anywhere. Perhaps it is one of those things so ordinary it is taken for granted and which I overlook. But since I do not know, I shall attempt to be thorough. Feverish states tend to exaggerate my experience of tactile sensations and what would ordinarily be pleasant or neutral can be found uncomfortable. Pretty sure that part is familiar to people. Actually it seems more a distortion than a plain exaggeration, with some parts of touch seeming missing and others intensified.
Last night while I lay in bed I attempted to shift my legs and found them not located quite where I had thought they were. This proprioception error combined with the tactile distortion (I wonder if both are related to the fever) to produce a definite sense of wrongness of sensation which echoed my former night terrors. It can become extremely painful and distressing when every tactile sensation is 'wrong' and my sense of the size and shape and arrangement of my body is distorted.
In this case it was helpful because I realised this sensation was probably what triggered the nightmares of the previous two nights, which were sufficiently reminiscent of my night terrors that I became afraid they were returning. Realising this as a likely cause has been comforting and I attribute it as a likely cause to my lack of nightmares this time, though I expect something like it will happen again.
I suspect also my feverish state has contributed to the other fears and paranoias I have been experiencing recently, although I do not believe it to be solely responsible, and still feel I may find it beneficial to see a mental health professional.
It has been less than 2.5 hours since I went to sleep and I am awake again. Scared, tired, trembling. Triumphant. I was not woken this time by a nightmare, possibly helped by a combination of increased awareness of the situation, overall improved mental state, and taking care to be thinking pleasing thoughts before sleeping. Instead I think I was woken by overheating, which is presently a trade-off so I would be able to sleep in the first place.
I think I am sick. This has been difficult to notice because I am not currently suffering from a cough or running nose. My ears, well. On Tuesday there were a couple of shifts as if their 'blocked status' had suddenly changed, leaving me feeling temporarily as if I were having difficulty hearing. On Monday and possibly a bit before I felt overheated and as if my body were radiating heat; I think I have had a fever over the past few days, but on Monday at least it was somewhat masked by the day itself being very hot. My joints have been aching too the past couple of days and my sleep has been fitful and easily disrupted.
The fever is very important. I have a history of some very unpleasant mental states associated with those; I am sure most people are familiar with the term 'fever dream' and suspect a majority have experienced this for themselves. When I was a child I had what have been described as night terrors; when I was sick I would keep my family awake through the night screaming uncontrollably from nightmares and sensory distress.
The nightmares would tend to focus, I think, on some story I had recently been exposed to. At least the only example I recall with an identifiable focus I can recall picked the first volume of The Death Gate Cycle even though that series has never been frightening to me. As for the sensory distress, that remains the most horrible experience I can recall. For a while now I have tried to find some way to describe it to others and found my attempts vague and severely lacking, but last night before sleeping I had an insight which I think will allow me to do a bit better now.
I do not know how much of this is commonplace among people, as I do not recall seeing it described anywhere. Perhaps it is one of those things so ordinary it is taken for granted and which I overlook. But since I do not know, I shall attempt to be thorough. Feverish states tend to exaggerate my experience of tactile sensations and what would ordinarily be pleasant or neutral can be found uncomfortable. Pretty sure that part is familiar to people. Actually it seems more a distortion than a plain exaggeration, with some parts of touch seeming missing and others intensified.
Last night while I lay in bed I attempted to shift my legs and found them not located quite where I had thought they were. This proprioception error combined with the tactile distortion (I wonder if both are related to the fever) to produce a definite sense of wrongness of sensation which echoed my former night terrors. It can become extremely painful and distressing when every tactile sensation is 'wrong' and my sense of the size and shape and arrangement of my body is distorted.
In this case it was helpful because I realised this sensation was probably what triggered the nightmares of the previous two nights, which were sufficiently reminiscent of my night terrors that I became afraid they were returning. Realising this as a likely cause has been comforting and I attribute it as a likely cause to my lack of nightmares this time, though I expect something like it will happen again.
I suspect also my feverish state has contributed to the other fears and paranoias I have been experiencing recently, although I do not believe it to be solely responsible, and still feel I may find it beneficial to see a mental health professional.
