![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
Last week I played go with ![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
mantic_angel. Go is not a game I have played much of so far - maybe six starts over the past year and no games proceeding very far before petering out (all online of course). With the difference in our experience I was spotted three stones and very quickly was losing quite badly.
I do not take well to definitely losing. Tend to get sulky, upset, angry. So I stopped paying attention to the moves not long into the game and focused instead on my assignment. When the game continued to not go away and leave me to work, I started trying actively to lose. It still took too much of my attention so I gave up on doing anything else seriously and made moves as quickly as I could until we ran out of space.
Of course I kept hoping I would somehow win, but what I was mostly after was making it go away and stop humiliating me. A lot of unhappiness in my life probably stems from this sort of experience; I have an unreasonable, arrogant expectation that I will be skilled, or talented, or quickly learn whatever I am doing. When I am not best, or notable, or particularly proficient, or anything else of the sort, I quickly become frustrated, feel hurt and angry and inclined to tantrum.
Funny thing is, there is not actually any area of my life which supports this attitude. I think I would be a lot happier if I were to accept that I am not actually exceptional or talented. Then I would stop expecting to be noticed or to do well. Maybe instead I could do things for personal pleasure or satisfaction. Almost certain acknowledging that I am not special would lead to being less obnoxious or bitter toward others.
This matches well with recent thoughts regarding other areas of my life, such as writing. Accepting I am not actually very good at it means I can stop worrying about whether it would be well-regarded, or publishable, or even about sharing it publicly. Instead, I can just work on making sure it is something I am satisfied with for myself.
If a situation is unpleasant, it can be endured, or the situation can be changed to a more pleasant one, or the entity experiencing the situation can be adjusted to find it more palatable. Since I do not wish to endure the present situation, and I cannot cause myself to be superlatively talented in all areas, and I do not intend yet to remove myself from existence, the only option appears to be 'realising I am not actually good at stuff'.
Improving ability is something I might be able to do. However, I think I should not count on any such thing; it would be a perpetuation of this idea that I am or can expect to be exceptional.
Edit: because I was not thinking clearly at the time, this post was originally mistitled 'Games'. The new title is more accurate to its intended message: that I would be happier without ambition to or expectation of greatness.
mantic_angel. Go is not a game I have played much of so far - maybe six starts over the past year and no games proceeding very far before petering out (all online of course). With the difference in our experience I was spotted three stones and very quickly was losing quite badly.I do not take well to definitely losing. Tend to get sulky, upset, angry. So I stopped paying attention to the moves not long into the game and focused instead on my assignment. When the game continued to not go away and leave me to work, I started trying actively to lose. It still took too much of my attention so I gave up on doing anything else seriously and made moves as quickly as I could until we ran out of space.
Of course I kept hoping I would somehow win, but what I was mostly after was making it go away and stop humiliating me. A lot of unhappiness in my life probably stems from this sort of experience; I have an unreasonable, arrogant expectation that I will be skilled, or talented, or quickly learn whatever I am doing. When I am not best, or notable, or particularly proficient, or anything else of the sort, I quickly become frustrated, feel hurt and angry and inclined to tantrum.
Funny thing is, there is not actually any area of my life which supports this attitude. I think I would be a lot happier if I were to accept that I am not actually exceptional or talented. Then I would stop expecting to be noticed or to do well. Maybe instead I could do things for personal pleasure or satisfaction. Almost certain acknowledging that I am not special would lead to being less obnoxious or bitter toward others.
This matches well with recent thoughts regarding other areas of my life, such as writing. Accepting I am not actually very good at it means I can stop worrying about whether it would be well-regarded, or publishable, or even about sharing it publicly. Instead, I can just work on making sure it is something I am satisfied with for myself.
If a situation is unpleasant, it can be endured, or the situation can be changed to a more pleasant one, or the entity experiencing the situation can be adjusted to find it more palatable. Since I do not wish to endure the present situation, and I cannot cause myself to be superlatively talented in all areas, and I do not intend yet to remove myself from existence, the only option appears to be 'realising I am not actually good at stuff'.
Improving ability is something I might be able to do. However, I think I should not count on any such thing; it would be a perpetuation of this idea that I am or can expect to be exceptional.
Edit: because I was not thinking clearly at the time, this post was originally mistitled 'Games'. The new title is more accurate to its intended message: that I would be happier without ambition to or expectation of greatness.
