For the sake of posting

In my dreams last night I was a woman, which is rare enough, albeit one as naive and awkward about it as my waking self.

In these dreams I also had a brief career in astronomy, in a system where publication is so compulsory that, for lack of anything more suitable, astronomical digests will scoop up and compile whatever incidental writings on the topic they can find - I thereby became scandalously known for my use of the word cunt in the literature, and there was some pressure for a more erudite, intentionally reasoned follow-up (i.e. that I write something actually intended for publication).

Surprisingly nice compared with my usual dreamings. Feeling wistful and wondering what I did to get such undreadful images in my sleeping self. Perhaps I'd like to interpret this as a message of hope or encouragement.

Preoccupations

 Grief and getting over people are on my mind recently. When people die, or are lost from your life, our culture hasn't given me much to get to grips with that but time.

 

Time helps but I do not think it is a complete answer. There must be techniques for processing absences in ways healthier than others. Coming to terms with non-existence, accepting lost possibilities. Having memories + associations good and bad without being undone by them. Self-directed guilt and blame about feelings and their performance.

 

Maybe there really is no such thing, or my understanding so lacking I don't even comprehend what I am talking about. Of course we could always add more time but that is going to happen anyway until I die.

 

Our stories say there are healthy and unhealthy ways of dealing with loss and continuing in our lives. But so far I can't recall actual substantive advice about how to distinguish or switch between.

 

"Talk things out", "think of good times instead of bad" or "lots of people react like that, it doesn't mean you're a bad person" are probably good seeds but they are neither trees nor orchards. I want to know about the soil, the sunlight, the water and fertiliser. What creatures devour the roots and which are here to frolic or nibble peaceably?

Undoing

 Been cleaning up my living space the past few weeks and feeling proud of the progress I've made, though I'm a long way yet from being finished. Would share Before and In Progress photos except for not having a working phone at present and consequently no working camera.

Accumulated a lifetime (so far) of detritus and wanting to clean that out and simplify, plus the added mess and trash that comes from being just plain bad at looking after myself. The goal of being easily and cheaply relocatable is probably entirely out of reach, as lacking foresight I've accumulated too many books for that and refuse to part with many. I will get as close as I can.

There is so much I can probably do without, and nearly as much I won't miss if it's gone, if I can persuade myself to be rid of it.

Looking forward to feeling less trapped.