In which we resist our own inclination to silence

Originally published at a denizen's entertainment. You can comment here or there.

Feeling numb, finding action difficult and sluggish. But I should write something, right? Don't know why, maybe the activity would help draw out into being active and interested again, diffuse this lethargy. Spending a lot of time not knowing lately, like life is a continuous dozing nightmare of fever, where it isn't quite terrifying but nothing makes sense, everything keeps changing and slipping away, and all the decisions I failed are like distant dreams of other times I stirred in my sleep.

Hopefully this will lift soon, though I doubt I could ever be where I want to be personally - the expectation is more a period of productive ability than happiness. Bah. Self-indulgence. The aim here is to talk, so we talk. The aim, vaguely, is to talk freely, and to encourage discussion and some sort of improvement of future states over past and present ones. Well, that's a bit grand. Mainly I thought if I could overcome enough fear to express and live with open, inquisitive honesty that might be better than not.

Constructing this does seem to be helping a bit. Writing for the past few days has gone a bit blah but that probably will not persist long. Instead over the past few days mantic_angel has been teaching me some extremely basic coding, which is being interesting and fun. So, trying to balance time working on both those, plus the other stuff. Been thinking for a few of those projects, of the erotic sort, might drop trying to produce some in the style I was trying for, telling of a relationship over a continuous short prose narrative, the sort that runs about three to ten thousand words. Maybe instead take the setup - characters, relationship, etc. - and use them for a few episodic vignettes. At least for a couple that might work better. Will try posting one of those later and we will see.

Also in changing presentational formats, been thinking to change Discourteous Joe from a journal narrative to third-person, probably over-the-shoulder. I think that would better suit its intended style as an over-the-top action story. Will get to the actual writing of that eventually. But, what will we do the rest of this month and the next? Aim in structuring approaches was to get things done instead of flitting about. But if none are calling to me, then I don't know. Choose one anyway? Or wait for one to catch my attention?

Computerwise, been wondering if maybe I should just spend a few hundred on repair and upgrade instead of buying something new. RAM, power, battery, backup drive, I'm guessing that would be about $700 so... still cheaper, though it is estimating $200 each for battery and power repair, when the company website said $165/hour. But maybe less from a third party.

Anything else? Went to an appointment with a jobsearch agency yesterday, mostly filling out introductory paperwork. So now there's something again to get me out of the house every fortnight until I find work. Unfortunately all the jobs turning up so far for programming, or I'm underqualified for, or they're out of my travel range. Maybe I should try for those hours away anyway; others have to, and what is the worst it could do?

Is that all? Could be for now.