Sunday Story Ratings: #00024

The Girl at the Lion D'or by Sebastian Faulks

Published 1994, copyright 1989

Recommended Rating: M

Sex scene(s)

Nudity

Sexual references

Strong themes

Recommended for mature audiences

Representations:

Probably fails Bechdel Test in spirit, although occasionally Anne has brief interactions with Madame Bouin concerning her employment at the hotel.

So far as aware, everyone in the story is white. Single Jewish character against whom some characters display prejudice but text seems not to.

Everyone appears to be straight; homosexuality referenced in a single joke about pigs and truffles, one past incidence of a man having sex with underage girls.

Other – lead has eczema.

Ah, alas

Frustratingly difficult trying to find local social groups, especially since without public transport at night I am fairly limited to daytime activities. So far found one book club which might be possible, meeting on a weekly morning, will have to give it a try. Found nothing for being a social queer group so far unless I want to 'learn about sex without being exposed to pornography', and plenty of autistic support groups but since I am not the parent of an autistic child those aren't aimed at me.

Really, I'm at quite a loss for trying to find any sort of social group, anything that might lead to friendship or an excuse to go outside. Vexing, don't know what next to try. Don't really like the idea of trying to find a 'themed' group but as far as I am aware the choice is between a themed group I have something in common with and one I don't.

(no subject)

Not a good day today.

Hid from visiting family. Got into argument with friend. Watched Transformers. Cut friends list down from ~60 to 10. Considered briefly self-harming as release but who is that kidding anyway I wouldn't be able to do it, too many phantom wounds to inflict a real one. And anyway I realised social is harming myself, whatever I do. Hiding away, it is just self-deprivation. And being public, associating with people, they keep touching me, keep pushing. I'm so sick of tending to other people's feelings. All those gestures, comforting hugs, so many times making myself make contact I recoil inside from for the sake of keeping people feeling fine. All those words assuring people just because I know they intended no wrong, just because it is right to be patient and understanding so long as it is an available action. Don't even remember what a hug feels like now and yet all this touching my skin crawls at, making other people feel better.

Sick of being pushed. Give up food, do whatever, be an undesiring entity, fed up and strained with performing so others feel good about themselves. My ex, you know, she kept pushing me until I gave up my email password to her. Sex, love. So tired of performing and falling back so other people feel okay. Don't want to, keep thinking not to say this because people will feel bad, feel bad because we didn't say no touching, don't touch. Don't even know what I want, if I want touch or not, or whatever. I don't know what I want. I'm sick of giving in because everyone's so reasonable and how could I say no to such a small thing? It's just a favour right, just a small thing but I don't want to please, isn't it okay if I just say no, if I just don't want to, just don't feel like it. So sick of performing and I don't know how to stop. Stop reaching out, stop trying to make people like us, be nice, stop offering sex and display of body until it makes me too sick to go on with. I just want to stop okay? Mine, it's mine I'm mine you can't have me it's enough. Please let it stick. I want it to stick, let this be the chance, the time around it takes.

So unfair, so unfair. Because you're not guilty, you didn't... you didn't do it, not guilty. But I can't and I don't know how to make myself stop but I'm sick of giving myself up. I don't know what to do, don't know what I want or what's friendship or how to respond to kindness. Whatever. Shut up now.

So it has been a bad day, and this was meant to be a public diary thing and ended up being the sort of thing normally locked under layers, but those locked out maybe deserve to know what happened so we compromise and let it sit for a while before being dragged down. Because, you know, I gotta be fair to people and give them every offering I can, and I don't know how to stop performing.