What I wrote here
The happiness, the joy at diminished fear allowing me to live, those were real. However, the thoughts which had prompted those nightmarish days, the... mental images, those did not vanish. They did cease to dominate my thoughts or press with immediacy, certainly reduced in frequency and intensity, so I could say truly I was relieved and unafraid. It was just imaginings now, as easily ignored as the many other sets which reside in here.
With time, and until reminded, I can even forget about them. Had not reached that stage yet. Yesterday... I experienced another peak of anxiety and fear, that paralysing sick feeling of helpless terror and imminent threat.
In the morning I showered and thought I might die trapped in the bathroom if there were to be a zombie outside the door. I considered our dog Angel (who was not at all helpful in her own outbreak of nerves that morning, following me in to the bathroom in her own apparent shaking fear of being alone) possible threat of sudden attack, or emergency food in desperation. I considered dismantling my razor for use as weapon of last resort or implement of suicide. I thought about being so disconnected from my laptop and unable to reach out or communicate any last words.
Showering, I held myself and tried to say it was okay, that it was okay to be afraid and let it out. I couldn't bring myself to. I felt sick. Safety contracted until the walls of the shower itself were the only gesture in that direction. I remain relieved I have yet to see the things my mind's eye insists on.
As I have managed so far, I made myself continue my life, to leave the room, and get dressed, and go back out into the living areas. Fortunately soltice
was online and available to call on Skype. I was insistent on video, to assure myself I spoke to a living human.
We talked long time and she was a tremendous help. I was finally able to cry a bit, and let things out. Stress, anxiety, obligation, much of it self-imposed. I had asked myself during that shower, 'why zombies?', and they seem to represent to me the inexorable closing in of hopelessness and death with no chance of escape but only, sometimes, a choice in how to die. And soltice
helped. We talked of anxiety, stress, pressure and coping with it. The reminder that loosening ourselves from obligation can allow us to get more done, when we allow it to be okay doing only what we can at the time and letting the rest go. Also the importance of letting fun be fun rather than a drudgery.
At the beginning of the conversation I had been thinking myself in need of anti-anxiety medication, feeling this must be a neurochemical issue with no focus. Talking with soltice
I realised there is indeed a lot I am stressed with and began to think that if I can alleviate and manage this stress I might be able to be happy with my functioning without needing medication. Of course that is unknown still, and there may be an underlying issue I could not manage unmedicated, but I am now less certain of its necessity.
Thanks to soltice
(and with the help of pazi_ashfeather
) I was feeling again light and happy by the time she left for the gym. I resolved to loosen my burden of self-imposed obligation and take some ease that afternoon and evening. I actually was looking forward to writing but did not get to it, being tired and lacking sleep lately.
This is not being an easy shift for me to make. I have something of a cycle, of building stress until something breaks, then realising again I am allowed to have fun and release myself from pressure, followed by intense relief and I slip into feeling as if I can add 'just this thing more' and piling obligation on myself again.
Right now I am feeling tense about my lack of accomplishment for the day so far. Trying to calm myself down again, remember it is okay. Plus, if I am too stressed to actually do anything or even choose something to do, that is self-reinforcing.
I wrote a little bit on November 5, but not in the two days since. Mostly because I have been tired and not sleeping much. I am looking forward to writing more today though. Would be happy to get back into that.Epic Fantasy