aesmael: (me-pangolin)
Haven't written anything here all week. Too much going on. Too much uncertain.

Am I dumped? Not dumped? Am I moving to Canada, the USA, Europe? Staying here? Right now it looks like Canada is the place that will be attempted, although I rather expect that will fail. My professional accomplishments indicate I can work well and stably enough but I find it hard to believe anyone would want me. Surely they'd want more of an economic star.

However I feel about the USA, I doubt that's any longer an option either. Who would want to be, functionally, a backup choice? And atop my prior concerns about fragile financial security and punitive healthcare system, it seems increasingly as if the USA does not want me. Recent political developments there are frightening and lead me to fear for the wellbeing of everyone I know over there. Although, the rise in xenophobia at least is consistent across the English-speaking world. That last makes me worry migration is being effectively phased out.

What's gnawing at me is the realisation I won't get to share my life with everyone I made that commitment to. I have to choose between people I love, effectively have chosen. People will think there's something wrong with me for not having realised this. And despite having told one that Canada was on the cards with the others, I managed not to say that had become increasingly definite.. That's really bad.

I've managed to make bad mistakes at every turn and hurt the people I care about most. Typical for me, but still wrong and not to be let go.

It isn't going to work out. My feeling is that love may last but not relationships. I'm going to end up still here, alone, and I don't think I will find anyone else to love again. That's probably for the best. We're lucky to have made it this far, even if the last half of the decade we had were increasingly distant and painful.

You know what? This has all been doomed since at least 2012. I've just been too cowardly to face it and make a choice. Even if that would have just accelerated the end of everything.
aesmael: (pangolin-me)

A

Bleak feeling today tied in part to a lack of creative activity and that whatever I did make would be worthless even so. Can I and should I break free of current habits and cycles to do more? The answer is a resounding maybe.

And a partly envy of other persons who have people to spend time with in person, who seem to have fun and do things they enjoy midst even terror and a bleak desperation to survive.

B

Love is hard, and painful, and demands sacrifice.

What am I willing to give up? Not a damn thing. But I'm quiet and obliging and people think I'm worth it and without that commitment and taking risk there will inevitably come hurt run up against the sharp edges of the world. That would happen anyway but without giving something up, without fiercely and wholly how could we hope to overcome?

I'm never going to be fit for a serious relationship while I'm still this person.

Today has been very rough, emotionally, in ways I have dreaded and tried to run from. More than once I have worried about drawing attention by the visible signs of being knocked about.

Somehow, maybe, it turned out okay? Or not okay. Lights shone and conversations had and maybe the outcome is for the better. Maybe, I'm not sure, the outcome is acknowledging what already was.

And sometimes I feel like things are better now, and sometimes I get bowled over again and sobbing. And I don't know what the future will be like. But I have hopes, blended with melancholia.

Originally published at a denizen's entertainment. You can comment here or there.

Last week I finally got to read to Pazi again. Have been missing doing that for months and months, so it felt good to return to sharing stories with each other. Was also satisfying to at last get to the end of The Austere Academy, so next time we can start on book 6.

A few days ago Pazi returned the favour by reading to me a story from her copy of Northwest Passages. Hopefully this week we will be in a position to each exchange some reading, instead of only one of us being up to per call. Or maybe this is just the way it falls out.

I keep worrying I am being annoying in wanting to share the reading of stories with my loved ones, despite evidence to the contrary. All my words at the moment are coming out fake and hollow, so I doubt I could fairly describe how exciting it is to get to share stories with those I am closest to.

aesmael: (haircut)
Lately have been using this image as my desktop background:

It is an image I took with Celestia two years ago and, coming across again, seemed like good background material.

The main object in the foreground is of course Europa, mostly eclipsing Jupiter in the background. To the left is the Sun, and to the left of that another disk is visible. I recreated this shot in Celestia recently to verify (the time displayed in the image is local to Sydney, so I had to adjust the clock settings in Celestia to get to the right moment, but if you leave them unaltered and enter the time shown you get a shot which is nearly a mirror image of this one) that the other disk visible is indeed Io and not one of the other Galilean moons.

I think it is wonderful that there are places in the solar system we could go and see more than two objects visible in the sky as more than points.
aesmael: (it would have been a scale model)
Sometimes I make pretty bad typos, often the sort where I mean one word and accidentally type an entirely different but correctly spelled word.

This time where I meant to address my girlfriend by name I instead said to her 'power drill'.
aesmael: (just people)
The urge to deny previous love is strong, perhaps that by making it false we bolster claims of present feelings true and eternal.

If I could have said those things and meant them then, and now feel them not... it is not a transition pleasant to contemplate concerning current relationships. I think perhaps the recoiling embarrassment felt is to disbelieve the present might be as fleeting fragile as the past has been.

Though we hope it not to be.
aesmael: (tricicat)
1.

YOUR REPORT CARD:
CategoryGrade
LoveA+
Friends and FamilyA
BodyA
MindC
Finance / CareerC
Your Life's Average Grade: B
'What is your Life Grade?' at QuizGalaxy.com



Better than I expected, I suppose. Let's see about improving some of those...

2.
If you saw ME in a police car, what would you think I got arrested for? Answer me, then post to your own journal if you want, and see how many crimes you get accused of.

3.
Step One:

Make a post (public, friendslocked, filtered...whatever you're comfortable with) to your LJ. The post should contain your list of 10 holiday wishes. The wishes can be anything at all, from simple and fandom-related ("I'd love a Snape/Hermione icon that's just for me") to medium ("I wish for _____ on DVD") to really big ("All I want for Christmas is a new car/computer/house/TV.") The important thing is, make sure these wishes are things you really, truly want.

- If you wish for real life things (not fics or icons), make sure you include some sort of contact info in your post, whether it's your address or just your email address where Santa (or one of his elves) could get in touch with you.

- Also, make sure you post some version of these guidelines in your LJ, or link to this post (it'll be public) so that the holiday joy will spread.

Step Two:

- Surf around your friendslist (or friendsfriends, or just random journals) to see who has posted their list. And now here's the important part:?

- If you see a wish you can grant, and it's in your heart to do so, make someone's wish come true. Sometimes someone's trash is another's treasure, and if you have a leather jacket you don't want or a gift certificate you won't use--or even know where you could get someone's dream purebred Basset Hound for free--do it.

You needn't spend money on these wishes unless you want to. The point isn't to put people out, it's to provide everyone a chance to be someone else's holiday elf--to spread the joy. Gifts can be made anonymously or not--it's your call.
There are no rules with this project, no guarantees, and no strings attached. Just...wish, and it might come true. Give, and you might receive. And you'll have the joy of knowing you made someone's holiday special.


Of course this is late for its intended purpose. I do not care much about that - only one person I saw did this and that's who it was taken from - and I think something like this does need to be associated with a particular segment of Earth's orbit.

I am not even going to wish for things people could practically get for me, since that is not where my heart lies these days. Mostly am posting so other people will see this idea and maybe keep it around for a bit.

And what I want? I want to meet my loves in person. To hold them and be together without "Goodbye" looming over us. I want to find the organisation to sort my life into something which functions in a manner which could reasonably be described as 'productive' and 'independent'. I want to write and be able to enjoy those things which bring me happiness. Already have plenty of books and games and such - what point new ones unless I can appreciate those I have? Very, very much would like to see those I love who are having problems in their lives right now find ways past these into something they like better. Oh, I suppose I would like to do something creative with other people too. That would be - possibly - nice.

Quickly! Post before any minds are changed!
aesmael: (probably quantum)
(12:44:46) aesmael: Mm, tempting to switch to Seamonkey from Firefox. That would be silly though, since I don't use Thunderbird.
(12:46:17) pazi_ashfeather: Mrrr.
(12:46:23) pazi_ashfeather: Sea monkey.
(12:46:36) aesmael: "It was adapted as an anime, Azumanga Daioh: the Animation, which was produced by J.C.Staff and aired from the week of April 8, 2002 until the week of September 30, 2002.[4] It was broadcast on TV Tokyo, Aichi Television Broadcasting, Television Osaka, and AT-X in five-minute segments every weekday,[5] then repeated as a 25-minute compilation that weekend, for a total of 130 five-minute segments collected in 26 episodes. The compilation episodes, which were the only versions to include the title and credits sequences, were released on VHS and DVD by Starchild Records;[6] the five-minute segments can be distinguished by their individual titles."
This explains a bit.

(12:46:47) pazi_ashfeather: Space tamarin.
(12:46:47) pazi_ashfeather: Desert crested ape.
(12:46:58) pazi_ashfeather: Tundra tarsier.
(12:47:04) aesmael: Ice weasel!
(12:47:13) aesmael: Tundra tarsier > ice weasel.
(12:48:17) pazi_ashfeather: Tundra tarsier > all things
(12:51:24) aesmael: This be true.
(12:51:44) pazi_ashfeather: All things = food for tundra tarsier
(12:52:12) pazi_ashfeather: It is immense, striding across the tundra and even into the taiga with grand sweeping steps of its hundred-meter legs.
(12:52:41) pazi_ashfeather: It devours anything that its vast eyes -- themselves as wide across as football stadia -- can see, including even the soil and the bedrock underneath.
(12:52:47) pazi_ashfeather: Stops at the magma for practicality's sake.
(12:53:27) pazi_ashfeather: Because it is monstrous and prefers live, active prey, it preferentially saves geological formations for last, preferring to consume animals first and then plants when none are to be found.
(12:56:55) aesmael: Uh, honey... I don't think that's a tarsier any more.
(12:57:59) pazi_ashfeather: Is.
(12:58:03) pazi_ashfeather: Just very large, ravenous one.
(13:01:15) aesmael: Well, you are the biologist of the family...
aesmael: (tricicat)
Yesterday I had a date with [livejournal.com profile] mantic_angel playing WoW. Like previously it was great to spend some time together. I always enjoy that a lot. Hopefully for the next post I will have more time with loved ones to report happiness about; that's normally an effective way to provoke happiness in me.

I am a bit disappointed with how erratic these posts have been. Perhaps I shall try for eight consecutive days of happiness. But also, to be not annoying in posting about it.
aesmael: (tricicat)
Skipping days, skipping days. Not so good at finding happy days. Bit of a fog really, these days go by too quickly for me to settle down into happiness before they are gone.

Found some today though! Got to get back on Skype with [livejournal.com profile] pazi_ashfeather, which I have not done in too long. Aaaand we got to read to each other which has been an activity even longer delayed.

I finally finished the last three chapters of The Reptile Room, which I think we started in July. No earlier, perhaps later. At this rate it will be a while before we get through the entire series but maybe it will go quicker from here. Depends on our schedules and what we are in the mood for. Plus she got to read another few chapters of Blindsight to me. Was a bit eerie-disturbing and recognisable some of that.

So: happy for today = reading a whole page of 'ever' to [livejournal.com profile] pazi_ashfeather.

Busy

2008-11-25 04:24
aesmael: (tricicat)
This is a busy week for me. As well as classes, tomorrow I will be out all day for an endocrinological appointment. There will be the usual interview with the doctor to... what? Make sure my life is going okay and I am making acceptable progress in my metrics, not freaking out from HRT? Perhaps there will be measurements. Blood will be drawn. I hope not to faint this time; I will not be fasting and I will bring food with me. I will try to remember the advice I was given last time on how to remain conscious; the only part I can bring to mind now is to ask for a narrower needle. Hopefully that is not mixed up.

Fainting. That's an odd sort of thing. Perhaps I should hope I do, to have more experiences to draw from in trying to understand it. It seems a lot due to poor circulation on my part. My extremities cool easily and often when standing I find myself dizzy, with vision obscured for several seconds and needing to steady myself. It is easy to imagine this leading to fainting outright after a couple of vials of blood have been taken.

Then again, I have had a problem with needles as far back as I can remember. Childhood memories of quite a lot of crying and fear at the prospect of a vaccination, I think enough that it was decided not to proceed. I don't cry or scream when offered a needle these days, nor flee, but I do feel quite tense about it. Having fainted the last few times when attempting to move after does not help; I get anxious instead, worried about fainting again, and that probably exacerbates the situation. I am nervous now.

We will see what happens tomorrow.

On Friday I have an appointment with a psychologist. I am nervous about that too. I still want to withdraw myself from that and say I can, unassisted, manage myself. I feel like to go and ask for help would be an act of weakness, a failure.

I suspect more than a few reading this could empathise with that feeling. Some I have even advised to the contrary, that recognising a resource which could be of benefit to oneself and seeking it out is not weakness, it is strength (in the admission that something outside oneself could be beneficial in a society which demands we strive for the opposite if at all possible), it is self-care, and both of those are good things. Something I have not yet said is that if such aid were sought because of weakness on the part of the seeker, that would not be a bad thing either. If I say "I am weak and I need help" where in that is anything that I should feel ashamed or be condemned for, except that what I am is not what I am told I ought to be?

Not that simply uttering those words banishes such feelings. I do think ideas of 'strength' and 'weakness' in contexts like this (and much more broadly within society) serve mainly as misdirection pointing people at standards to measure themselves against as an arbiter of personal worth, or hurt themselves trying to meet. Far more important, I think, to recognise needs, or opportunities, or resources, and make use of them without worrying if this makes one weak or strong. And like I said at the beginning of the paragraph, this is far easier said than done. These ideas of 'strength' and 'weakness' are deeply engrained.

Well, I suppose I am weak by those standards. Though I think all persons have limits, it does not change that I found myself in a situation of facing mine. I could bear the situation I found myself in, at least for so long as I was there, but I could also see that if it grew worse it would break me at some point. Even if there were no increase of intensity, mere duration would have the same effect eventually - on two occasions how I would endure long enough for someone to come home, and only on the second occasion did I follow through on my resolution (made on both occasions) to make this appointment.

Perhaps I could endure, overcome, triumph without professional assistance. I would not attempt to guarantee this. Even if I could, I do not want to. I do not want to face such a dreadful thing alone. and that is why I made the appointment. My friends, my loved ones, they have been a tremendous help, but I do not want to rely solely on them for support. They have helped me with their support, their presence, insights which have shifted my beliefs about what is going on and how to cope with it. I am still hoping that with professional help I can avoid plunging into those particular depths again. To be honest, in the first half of this year I found myself in another situation which made me realise enough pressure would eventually see me break the vow I made to myself about suicide. And right now I am thinking I would rather face that particular hell if forced to choose between them, because it was only depression, only numbness, and pain, and eventually death. Relatively peaceful, and I wouldn't be screaming the same way[1].

That has been perhaps my theme since my psychological assessment and the argument following. Everyone breaks. They say so about torture, and it holds even if not performed by men in dark rooms with sinister implements. Under enough pressure... that sounds like an unfalsifiable claim, doesn't it? Enough. "Well I did experienced X and I did not break under that pressure." "Then clearly X was within your threshold and, had it pushed beyond, you would have." Enough. Perhaps I seek to bring everyone else down with me, say they can be no better than I - since I cannot honestly deny my own words, my actions, my thoughts - but I do believe it holds true. I think I hope it holds true too, those hopeful words "What matters is what you do after". Even if... but that is a different post.

I worry about presenting myself. Since I am not in that state of mind currently and do not expect to be on the day, how would I convey it? If I were, how would I? And how would I remember what it is I want to bring up, not only the details, but what they are at all? I have been thinking I might print out and give to her copies of my posts touching on the relevant matters as an aid. This was actually the original purpose of the post, to solicit people's opinions on the idea.

This has taken me four hours longer to write than I intended. I had better sleep now if I am to make my appointment tomorrow.

[1] Would I still think so then? I honestly suspect I would, though at least now I have perhaps greater fleetness of mind. In either case I am never entirely free of the other.
aesmael: (tricicat)
I have been finding I enjoy cooking... but not for only myself. Would much rather prepare something to share with friends and loved ones.

Been wondering, too, if I might reverse engineer some of the package food my family buys (they do plenty from pieces too, but that is already in pieces). Still far from a habit of mine, the preparation of food.
aesmael: (just people)
What I wrote here was incomplete.

The happiness, the joy at diminished fear allowing me to live, those were real. However, the thoughts which had prompted those nightmarish days, the... mental images, those did not vanish. They did cease to dominate my thoughts or press with immediacy, certainly reduced in frequency and intensity, so I could say truly I was relieved and unafraid. It was just imaginings now, as easily ignored as the many other sets which reside in here.

With time, and until reminded, I can even forget about them. Had not reached that stage yet. Yesterday... I experienced another peak of anxiety and fear, that paralysing sick feeling of helpless terror and imminent threat.

In the morning I showered and thought I might die trapped in the bathroom if there were to be a zombie outside the door. I considered our dog Angel (who was not at all helpful in her own outbreak of nerves that morning, following me in to the bathroom in her own apparent shaking fear of being alone) possible threat of sudden attack, or emergency food in desperation. I considered dismantling my razor for use as weapon of last resort or implement of suicide. I thought about being so disconnected from my laptop and unable to reach out or communicate any last words.

Showering, I held myself and tried to say it was okay, that it was okay to be afraid and let it out. I couldn't bring myself to. I felt sick. Safety contracted until the walls of the shower itself were the only gesture in that direction. I remain relieved I have yet to see the things my mind's eye insists on.

As I have managed so far, I made myself continue my life, to leave the room, and get dressed, and go back out into the living areas. Fortunately [livejournal.com profile] soltice was online and available to call on Skype. I was insistent on video, to assure myself I spoke to a living human.

We talked long time and she was a tremendous help. I was finally able to cry a bit, and let things out. Stress, anxiety, obligation, much of it self-imposed. I had asked myself during that shower, 'why zombies?', and they seem to represent to me the inexorable closing in of hopelessness and death with no chance of escape but only, sometimes, a choice in how to die. And [livejournal.com profile] soltice helped. We talked of anxiety, stress, pressure and coping with it. The reminder that loosening ourselves from obligation can allow us to get more done, when we allow it to be okay doing only what we can at the time and letting the rest go. Also the importance of letting fun be fun rather than a drudgery.

At the beginning of the conversation I had been thinking myself in need of anti-anxiety medication, feeling this must be a neurochemical issue with no focus. Talking with [livejournal.com profile] soltice I realised there is indeed a lot I am stressed with and began to think that if I can alleviate and manage this stress I might be able to be happy with my functioning without needing medication. Of course that is unknown still, and there may be an underlying issue I could not manage unmedicated, but I am now less certain of its necessity.

Thanks to [livejournal.com profile] soltice (and with the help of [livejournal.com profile] pazi_ashfeather and [livejournal.com profile] mantic_angel) I was feeling again light and happy by the time she left for the gym. I resolved to loosen my burden of self-imposed obligation and take some ease that afternoon and evening. I actually was looking forward to writing but did not get to it, being tired and lacking sleep lately.

This is not being an easy shift for me to make. I have something of a cycle, of building stress until something breaks, then realising again I am allowed to have fun and release myself from pressure, followed by intense relief and I slip into feeling as if I can add 'just this thing more' and piling obligation on myself again.

Right now I am feeling tense about my lack of accomplishment for the day so far. Trying to calm myself down again, remember it is okay. Plus, if I am too stressed to actually do anything or even choose something to do, that is self-reinforcing.

I wrote a little bit on November 5, but not in the two days since. Mostly because I have been tired and not sleeping much. I am looking forward to writing more today though. Would be happy to get back into that.

Epic Fantasy
Zokutou word meterZokutou word meterZokutou word meter
9,826 + 436
(4.4% more)
aesmael: (haircut)
Compare and contrast

(7:08:42 PM) Trice AshFeather: Pan-cattastic
(7:09:15 PM) Trice AshFeather: Sunset is pretty.
(7:09:16 PM) Pazi AshFeather: Pancat.
(7:09:19 PM) Pazi AshFeather: Pancake cat.
(7:09:22 PM) Pazi AshFeather: Mrr.
(7:09:24 PM) Pazi AshFeather: Sunset...
(7:09:27 PM) Pazi AshFeather: You is pretty
(7:09:35 PM) Trice AshFeather: I am a sunset?
(7:09:47 PM) Pazi AshFeather: No. Logical fallacy.

(7:09:17 PM) celestialjayde: Sunset is pretty.
(7:09:26 PM) manticangel: *glances at very black window* Yes, isn't it...
(7:09:47 PM) celestialjayde: That's eclipse, honey.
(7:09:55 PM) manticangel: No dear, that's *night time* :)
(7:10:39 PM) celestialjayde: AKA Local Body Eclipse.
aesmael: (tricicat)
Last night I was up late working on my next project, tSOW, and did not sleep until six hours after I had intended to. Exciting progress but it meant I slept much later than I intended to and missed many of the hours I hoped to have for a date with [livejournal.com profile] pazi_ashfeather.

I felt lousy about that but we still had a few hours together before she needed to sleep and we even got to talk via Skype, although I had better sleep soon if I am to make our postponed date tomorrow. During our conversation I discovered I did not need my headset at all, which was very freeing.

Also did a bit of work reassembling an old desktop pc for one of my projects, which went well until I discovered the power cord for the monitor seems to be missing. Hopefully I can find that soon or borrow another to replace it.

Most happily, I finally got to begin reading the second Series of Unfortunate Events book to her, The Reptile Room. I greatly enjoy reading to people and it made me quite happy to do this. She has offered that we could read to each other on our date. I hope we keep this up with some frequency this time.

As is the habit these days, there was writing later, with a bit of a very happy interruption when I got to call [livejournal.com profile] soltice on Skype too. We have not talked like that in far too long. The writing went unexpectedly well and I find myself in a position I have not been in before. Plus I get to talk to [livejournal.com profile] coniferous_you about writing, which does not happen often enough.

After an initial panic, today became a good day.
aesmael: (tricicat)
(2:31:39 PM) Tess AshFeather: The problem with dating a bird is that you really can't get away. We'll just land on your head and make a nest of your hair.
(2:32:08 PM) Trice AshFeather: ♥♥♥
aesmael: (haircut)
Josh Rosenau|Thoughts from Kansas writes about religious conservatives and their apparent belief that heterosexual relationships are fundamentally unstable and need protection.

I am not exaggerating or being euphemistic or speculating. He quotes from material by James Dobson and Al Janssen of Focus on the Family which indicate a belief that love itself is insufficient to sustain a relationship, that it requires firm vows and legal obstacles to keep a couple together. Very big on the idea of marriage being an unbreakable contract, binding until death.

This valuing of the marriage as an end in itself rather puzzles me. Marriage as I understand it (which reminds me I want to write some exploration of what I actually think of the thing) seems rather for the benefit of the people involved; if they no longer wish to be married I do not see any point requiring they continue.

I suppose I can see that permanency may be important in a religious context, but that seems a matter for whatever people and / or deities may be involved. Hrm. Rather the same as I see it for secular contexts then.

It might be touching in the moment that a person pledge eir life with me, but after that moment it would mean rather significantly more to me to know that whoever I am with is choosing freely to be there and not out of some sense of obligation, and certainly not because ey is legally required. Similarly I would not pledge myself to someone for life because I cannot guarantee my future feelings and desires - the most I can in good faith say is that today I love em and today my desire is for a future together.

This does not mean I would not marry anyone, but I would feel vastly happier, safer, more comfortable knowing we could choose to part ways any time we chose.

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