aesmael: (friendly)
 Of course I ended up going to bed shortly after finishing that last journal entry without having posted it anywhere. A lag time of at least a day seems currently endemic. Did end up staying home. Even managed to get docted - got some advice (rest, lots of fluids, don't fill this antibiotic prescription unless certain conditions are met), and a note of incapacity to work for today and tomorrow.

Am feeling a bit better. Feeling like resting today and tomorrow will give me a good chance of not over-exerting myself on Wednesday, which is normally only a light day at work anyway. Feeling like I've been sick a lot this year, or much more than is usual for me. Worried this is a foreboding sign and hoping it not to be.

But for tonight I think I can do some simple things. Revise liner notes maybe, or back up files from this computer, or write some character speeches for Pathfinder, or make yet another attempt at finishing the frequently interrupted Scrivener tutorial.

Right now I'm watching this video of a talk on interactive fiction by Emily Short which is inspiring the desire to add yet another layer to my never-quite-started THC project. Television series, Pathfinder module, ... text adventure?  That one at least we shan't be starting tonight. Laptop is in big need of replacing and I've been telling myself not to try any IF stuff until after that's taken care. Not because interactive fiction is so demanding on the hardware (is it?) but to keep myself from taking on too much at once and then feeling like a failure when that inevitably collapses on me.

aesmael: (sexy)
 Sick today and yesterday. Not much energy for doing or thinking. Currently looking like I'll have to take tomorrow off work and maybe more but we shall see how it turns out.
Always, always. "We shall see".
Haven't made any project progress since that last post but at least I can try and do some journalling here. This isn't one of the goals I put on those cards but I would like to make this into a habit. Wanted to make those other activities into habits too, which is why it's especially annoying to come down with a cold or whatever and get knocked out of being able to focus.
Did get to play a little bit of go today and a little bit of reading, so that was good. And yesterday some exciting discussion about a roguelike game idea, which it will probably take me years before I'm able to do anything like putting together. But a goal's a goal right?
And now I better get to bed because either I need to be up earlier for work in the morning or I'm sick and need lots of rest.
aesmael: (tricicat)

arly in the week a girl (probably early high school but maybe late primary school) asked for help finding varied sources to site for her assignment about the solar system and that was fun. She's asked a similar question about different schoolwork months back and it is not often I get asked to deploy that much educational assistance on a topic.

Also interesting getting asked for help about a topic I've been relatively expert on when the appropriate response is not to display that - even if I had my peak knowledge on that subject it wouldn't have been helpful to her to display that. What she actually needed was for me to show her stuff like how to use library website database access to find stuff like Scientific American articles, and the astronomy section on the junior non-fiction shelves.

This got brought back to mind seeing a tweet by Mike Brown pointing to some new research on planetary system evolution. Felt good to read about that and to be excited again, despite that I probably will never be able to claim that expertise.

Mouth has been hurting again recently, despite having got another filling. Had strongly hoped that would resolve the matter for months if not years but it looks like I will be needing that root canal. Minor but persistent pain, so I put up with it last week through electrolysis. Pain got worse on Sunday, but nothing I couldn't handle with the painkiller regiment my dentist had recommended while treating me for an infection in this area a few weeks ago.

Called up on Tuesday (Sunday they weren't open and Monday I was at work during bankers' hours) to make an appointment. Disappointed to learn they had no spaces left this week, but I got a spot to have that root canal done on Thursday next week (2017-07-27). Of course by Thursday this week it decided to ramp up again so that even with painkillers in full effect I wasn't able to function through it.

This morning: went to dentist's office, got appointment moved to Monday, requested prescription for a stronger painkiller for the meanwhile. Got recommended a slightly stronger over-the-counter painkiller instead. Hoping that will be enough. Only three days now instead of another week. I really don't want this procedure done, am dreading it, but it is clearly not feasible for me to refrain.

Perhaps this is to a degree my fault - might have gotten the cavity seen to when I first noticed there was a problem, and maybe it wouldn't have reached so deeply that I'm needing to have the nerve itself removed if only I'd taken some time to decline additional shifts and got it looked at back in summer or early autumn. Maybe then it could have been caught before it so deep. Instead I thought I didn't need to stake time out to care for myself, that I could rely on gaps in the flow of time requested of me by the library

aesmael: (just people)

Something I forgot to mention in my previous post, which carried over to the following two days, is that it seemed I got to do most of the front desk library work by myself. Everyone I was paired with seemed to have other things to do, on other floors or otherwise inaccessible, for much of my shifts. It was busy enough, but not too busy, so this suited me fine.

I wonder sometimes if I prefer working alone to working with others, and worry that I talk little enough to make the other staff resent working with me. Think I tend to be politely responsive though, even if I would rather not.

Today and tomorrow are the first pair of consecutive days off work I've had since April 14 and 15 and I feel very relieved to have some time for myself. Or sort of for myself. I'm doing terribly at school and trying my best to catch up, although it is difficult to keep focused enough. Only so much I can get done in any single day before I run out of attention or start hating myself too much to keep going. Which is why for the last hour tonight I'm typing this instead of pushing through another two chapters of two different textbooks. I do need to go faster though, or, I don't know, accept failure and lay down?

Today was also interrupted by a long-awaited consultation about getting wisdom teeth extracted. Was supposed to have that last week but they had to postpone because the doctor was in surgery (kind of a worrying reason, I guess?). Got it finally done today and relieved to find I only need one of the four wisdom teeth removed. The others seem to be behaving well enough.

Still very nervous but it will be nice not to have pain along one side of my mouth. Will need to contact them to arrange a date, and to choose between having it done under local anaesthetic, sedation, or under general anaesthetic at a hospital. That is going to be a tough choice, although the people at the surgery seem to favour the middle option, sedation.

Tomorrow I get to just be home. A rare treat which I hope I will get to enjoy, although I need to make sure to get as much schoolwork done as I can. I miss doing more focused fun activities but I can't afford to while I'm so far behind. Telling myself if I can catch up on school I'll be able to relax again, and hoping I don't waste my chance.

Wore a tank top there, and despite on the cancellation call having been asked about my name and if it should be Ms rather than Mr, got misnamed and misgendered anyway. Part of that possibly my 'fault', in that they checked with me about what name to use in communicating back to my regular dentist, who has not been told about the change of name. I'd been prepared when I last visited to collect my referral, but they said they didn't have need for any of the information I'd brought, so it did not come up despite my expecting it to.

Would like to muse more, but trying to store up those thoughts as for now I only feel to have enough time for writing down things that happened, and not so much the meandering thoughts those happenings inspire.

aesmael: (transformation)

My appointment got cancelled for yesterday so I did not go out. Was nice having a whole day at home. Got to do laundry and make my bed and talk with people, and it was a good day but I got hardly any studying done so it is hard not to feel like I continue to contribute to the wretched waste that is my life.

Insurance company finally caught up with me on the phone and ate about 90 minutes. Also finally finally spent a while looking for conferences to attend for the professional development component of my degree, which I've had reminders poking me at for months now. Never seemed to have a good time for that, but forced myself anyway this time. Found some candidates, giving myself time to sit on that before acting.

Appointment cancelled because the doctor was in surgery, was not going to be available for the appointed time. New appointment next week in the afternoon. Thinking about seeing a hairdresser earlier in the day, as I've been wanting to have my hair done for months and never finding the time.

Today my co-worker and I got asked to put together a checklist for what the new casual staff who are starting over the next two weeks need to be trained on. We'll need to finish that Sunday morning so it can be ready in time.

I'm very stressed about school. Very far behind. Will be shocked if I don't fail this semester but going to keep pushing until it is over – if I withdraw at this point it will be an automatic failure anyway.

aesmael: (sudden sailor)

I wanted to keep more of a diary again. Guess my first attempt at making a post of this getting accidentally deleted is as good an excuse as any. That's what happens when you have a part-written post in a browser window and then reboot the computer.

Earlier in the week I finally got an ultrasound for my wrist. Unfortunately no sign showed of what is causing the pain I have been in experiencing there. People seem to be treating that as good news which puzzles me - if there'd been an affirmative discovery of a problem, couldn't I have got something done about it? Now I'm in the position of waiting another month with painkillers and hoping it goes away before I can get a referral to a rheumatoid specialist for further investigation.Has been feeling a bit better the past couple of days, which I suspect is due more to having had several days off work than to taking extra care with my posture and typing since if I were to say I managed that half the time I'd be being generous. Can't hurt though, I hope.

[at this time the author takes a break for approximately 4 days or more]

I suppose I don't know what else to say. So far as resolutions go - that tradition of the new year - I suppose what I want to do is to occupy myself sufficiently with personal projects and activities to spend far less time haunting social media. Of course there's school, but I would like to, to have myself together enough to get writing again sometimes too. And games, and reading... I've been trying to persuade a book club into existence and also have been very enthusiastic of late about role-playing games. Aspiring to run and perhaps even to play in some this year.

Been focusing on Pathfinder first with vague plans to try running some practice adventures and hopefully cobble together a Star Wars themed campaign (Starfinder) based on an authentic [personal profile] ami_angelwings  idea. But first I'm trying to read up a lot on advice for running games well so that I can hopefully do a good job and help everyone involved have fun.

Right now, right next, I need to work hard at school. I worry I can't manage both school and much in the way of hobbies. Every attempt I make to manage my time well so far ends in weeks of anxious fretting and bursts of panicked labour. But I keep hoping and I keep trying. I suppose there is not anything else I can do.

On which note I better actually be doing that schoolwork now.

[started this January 1st, a few days later than I wanted to, and finished writing it yesterday. I do not want to abandon social media so much as I want to fill my life with enough satisfying industrious pleasure that I find myself less dependent on and habituated to it.]

aesmael: (writing things down)
Yesterday was a busy sort of day. In the morning I finally made and attended a dental appointment I had been putting off for most of the year (he wanted to remove my wisdom teeth, but first I was travelling and then I felt overwhelmed by the combination of school and work). Had check-up, revealing no further decay, which pleased me, and a fresh referral for getting my jaw x-rayed to find out what extractions may need to be performed.

Also visited the local shops and picked up ingredients. Some of which I used that evening to make a tasty modified Manhattan Crab Chowder (née Clam) and some of which I hope to use later this week (tomorrow, ideally) to make Strawberry Bread, and Bream with Horseradish and Apple Topping. I still need to secure the bream.

Later in the evening, at my sister's urging, I played Skyrim for a couple of hours. That was a bit exhausting. I created an orc character with the aim of pushing for heavy armour martial sorts of actions, but seem doomed to playing a sneaky sort of character as my natural inclinations draw me to scouting and investigating.

Originally published at a denizen's entertainment. You can comment here or there.

Had to leave the charity shop an hour early today, to make an appointment with my endocrinologist (he doesn't work on days I don't have work, so I couldn't have changed it to a non-conflicting day). Just as well, as I was on the register most of my four hours there. I always feel especially incompetent when I am working on the register, even though I made no mistakes of consequence today. That much interacting with people is stressful and draining, especially when I am feeling pressure to respond swiftly and clearly.

It was no less stressful, nor draining, working at my last library placement, but I felt like I was doing better. Perhaps because I mistrust the finality of the register. I'm better than I think, I think, but this is not what I want to be doing.

Leaving early did not help as much as I planned. The person in front of me at the station had a long delay trying to buy a yearly ticket for his wife, without her ID, which was special circumstances for the station staff and took long enough to resolve that I missed my intended train. Fortunately there was enough margin for error that I only arrived six minutes late, well before I was called in or the previous patient stepped out.

My numbers seem fine. Kidney and liver normal, blood pressure normal. Vitamin D still at the low end of normal, so I should occasionally spend some time outside (if I can get some time at home alone to do it in). Was offered a prescription for a topical oestrogen cream, which I intend to sit on for a few days.

Before I left I volunteered to work several extra hours on Saturday afternoon, as apparently the place is short of people that day. I missed a couple of days to being sick previously, so this seemed a good way to minimise the extra time Centrelink might require of my if I come up short in attendance.

I really need to find a proper job. One that would let me afford to look after myself, maybe to move out. My family has decided to force everyone in the house onto a diet, and didn't seem convinced by my assertion that I don't need to lose weight. They seem to have the ability to believe weight loss is not always good or desirable, despite paying lip service to the idea anorexia is bad. My family's attitudes to food and health make me want to avoid eating to avoid criticism for it, to punish my body with exercise until there is nothing anyone could complain of.

I am scared and upset and worried for my grip on myself. I worry there is only so much refusal I can do.


2011-04-08 21:28

Originally published at a denizen's entertainment. You can comment here or there.

Avoided seeing my GP this week about an intermittent, sharp abdominal pain, mainly because it was not bad enough to prevent me from working, and only lasted a couple of days so by the time I was free to see someone about the problem it had been gone for a while, and I gave in to 'would have felt silly going in to complain about an absent pain'.

But now I'm having another recurring problem, a sort of torn pain in the sole of my right foot. That's been going on for months, and when it flares up it makes walking painful although definitely not impossible. So I probably ought to see someone about that, even if it is unlikely there's much to be done.

I feel silly posting about minor stuff like this, when I know people with much more significant problems not going on about them like this. But, it is a sort of goal to post about stuff that is going on in my life and right now what's going on is "foot hurts, walking difficult but doable". Ah well.

Originally published at a denizen's entertainment. You can comment here or there.

Yesterday morning I caught a few minutes at the end of a program called Pororo the Little Penguin that at first seemed fairly dead-on in its portrayal of a character with an eating disorder. So, naturally, descriptive triggers follow in the recounting of it.

What I saw started with a pink beaver character (named Loopy according to the Wikipedia article) moping, looking at herself in the mirror and sighing that she is 'chubby'. Then her friends come over for lunch and are enjoying themselves, while she quietly sips a drink through a straw instead of eating. While doing so she visualises herself expanding in size as she drinks, and puts even that away.

While she is lamenting that she is chubby and should not eat or drink anything, her friends are admiring a model in a magazine she has lying around. When they notice she is upset about her weight, they try to tell her she is not chubby but she does not believe them.

And then... it all falls apart. She says she wants to be thin and pretty like the model in the magazine and the polar bear tells her if she wants to be thin she should exercise, and that dancing is great exercise. They all get up and dance happily.

~ fin ~

Speaking as someone who hasn't experienced it first-hand, that seemed an accurate and distressing portrayal of someone suffering from an eating disorder, immediately followed up by what is just about the worst possible response you could give in that situation presented as a permanent solution. From everything I've seen personally and elsewhere, eating disorders pretty commonly include obsessive exercising as part of their manifestation, so advising someone in any stage of one that exercise will solve eir problems is more likely just adding to them.

Originally published at a denizen's entertainment. You can comment here or there.

On the subject of healthcare and insurance in the US, ajay has this to say: "Or, if you want an entirely government-funded health care system there's always the VA. Join the Federal Service! Service guarantees healthcare!
Do you want to know more?"

aesmael: (just people)
Obama lifts the ban on US aid money going to any organisation that provides abortions and the US House of Representatives goes and passes a similar ban on their own people.

It's absurd. Federal money banned from paying for a particular class of medical procedures. Why? It's not illegal, so why is a government being barring itself from funding legal medical procedures? Because a subset of the population has a religious prejudice against it, seems like mainly. Which isn't a very secular way to run a government. Unfair too; no government is making laws based on my religious beliefs, or even- well.

How come? we would ask. How come laws are made on the basis of the views of some sects of a religion but not the views of others? Especially the ones which outlaw personal choices, ones we would expect people who hold a belief in their immorality not to choose.

If this becomes law the lives of many people, particularly poor women and children, will be materially disadvantaged compared to if this does not become law. The gain, meanwhile, is that members of some Christian sects can feel pleased others are being forced to live by their morality, while members of other Christian sects will be frustrated that their morality has been prohibited.

Their are anti-choice non-religious atheists and members of other religions, but let's not pretend this was done to suit their desires.

[Link up top, very worth reading. Post content is different to what I wrote here]
aesmael: (probably quantum)
(04:25:24) celestialjayde:
also this is intriguing

(04:27:04) Ami angelwings: Planned Parenthood's recommendation to use the abortion-causing drug Misoprostol vaginally rather than orally has led to fatal infections according to a research study released by the University of Michigan.
(04:27:15) Ami angelwings: if i was a scientist upon reading that
(04:27:37) Ami angelwings: i would go into one of the radioactive labs and irradiate myself
(04:27:39) Ami angelwings: gain super powers
(04:27:45) Ami angelwings: and go destroy them for misrepresenting my work
aesmael: (tricicat)
Agreement maybe?
I think I got it entangled with the previous lot. Drat.

Links )
aesmael: (haircut)
Bored with that titling system. Let's leave it blank for now.

Dispatches from the Culture Wars
  1. Thoughts on Day One of the DNC [Maybe I should amalgamate all the Scienceblogs postings under a single heading. I find something vaguely distasteful about this and the last post from here. Maybe it is an air of self-congratulation.]
  2. Effete Hollywood Elitists for McCain

Google Reader Shared Items
  1. The Future of Books [via [ profile] soltice. Was expecting "E-books: Yea or abomination?" Instead, Pretty.]
  2. Laser pointers banned in New South Wales after rash of attacks on pilots [via [ profile] soltice. But I want one.]
  3. Super Mario Girls [via [ profile] soltice. Cute, yes. Not everything needs to be done with sex appeal in mind though. And since when are "fluffy clouds with faces and bubbly turtles and blocky landscapes" unmanly? But I like the picture.]
  4. Cat 5 wedding rings help nerds couple [via [ profile] soltice. I, uh, don't know what these actually do.]
  5. Moe Angel with Headphones [via [ profile] soltice. Cute cute cute! *save*]
  6. Bioware devs debate whether Wii is part of gaming [via [ profile] gentle_gamer. It seems an odd question to me, since the Wii seems clearly a device for playing games, but the post is just a quick summary linking to an interview. No, wait. That was a preface too. Interview here. There are lots of words there at the beginning but I am not entirely sure these people are saying anything... a bit like reading some Post-Modern discourse. It seems like an interesting question though: what counts as gaming? I want to say "playing a game". This talk of narrative... that seems like something else to me. Something called 'narrative'. Describing the experience of playing a Wii as "toy-like", or making a distinction with sports such as tennis, this seems to me like an attempt to mark gaming as a particular kind of experience, a particular approach to an activity. I think what is being gotten at is a degree of seriousness and immersion. I think it probably does constitute a bundle of approaches, any subset of which can apply at a given time, and what the Bioware folks are talking about constitutes one of these subsets. Although reading to the end of the page I think I misunderstood them a bit. I am being vague because I am tired. Possibly follow up later with input from others?]
  7. Celebrate Mario Kart Wii with alternate karts, Wii wheel substitutions [via [ profile] gentle_gamer. Funny.]
  8. Working NES squeezed into ... an NES cartridge [via [ profile] gentle_gamer. Wow, neat! This title messes with my ideas of how it should be pronounced.]
  9. SIU responds to anti-feminist email [via [ profile] gentle_gamer. Oh, wow! It feels so rare to see such a desirable response, it can get disheartening.]
  10. The Fag Bug is back! [via [ profile] gentle_gamer. That's a pretty creative and great response to vandalism. Interesting seeing the change in tone of people's responses between the first post, in which Erin Davies starts her mission, and the second post, in which it is revealed she is getting a book and film deal out of this.]

Gmail Web Clip clickings
  1. David Wain Moves From Wainy Days to Role Models [Who is this guy? Why do I care what he does? I fear curiosity clicking from gmail has gotten the better of me...]
  2. Time to "Free the Airwaves" [Google would like people to be activist on their behalf.]
  3. Top Fun Date Ideas [These are not romantic? My idea of a going-somewhere date is to do something we will enjoy, so these seem more like standard date ideas than special fun ones. Admittedly I have been on very few dates in my life, but this makes it seem like something which is supposed to be very restrained in ways which are not interesting to me. At least now I know what an Interpretive Center is.*]

Respectful Insolence
  1. "To kill and cure cancer, you must first understand it" [Orac is as ever verbose.]

  1. The luxury of time [I've not encountered this blog before. This is... fascinating. Not much to say because processing.]

Uncertain Principles
  1. It's 4am [Labs are not supposed to be flooded. Unless you work in underseaology.]

My assignment is as done as it is getting, so I sleep now. Test in five hours.

*This whole response reads like something which I would respond to in someone else with scorn, as if they are trying to show off how special and above ordinary concerns they are. Ah well.
aesmael: (tricicat)
BMI illustrated at Flickr.

Bit of a discrepancy between what we see is healthy and what we are told, yes? I am generally for exercise and fitness but not so much for weight loss as a goal itself. Plenty thin, I am, but not very fit, and I think that fitness is rather more important for health than to be fitted to some scale of predefined appropriateness in size.
aesmael: (transformation)
(10:37:16 PM) flynnacatri:
(10:38:06 PM) aesmael: Medic flowers are very rare, but have tremendously fantastic properties.
(10:38:20 PM) flynnacatri: Zigactement!
(10:38:24 PM) flynnacatri: Like bezoars
(10:38:31 PM) flynnacatri: ...and sleep...
(10:38:36 PM) flynnacatri: and anithistamines. Dammitr
(10:38:47 PM) aesmael: Sleepistimines.
(10:39:14 PM) flynnacatri: yesssss....
(10:39:20 PM) flynnacatri: frog pils
(10:39:22 PM) aesmael: Bezoars live deep in the forest. Their quills make extracting the healing juice a risky prospect.
(10:39:27 PM) aesmael: Dessicated.
(10:40:06 PM) flynnacatri: Requires gloves of the northern silver thistle leaf and tongs from sapient pearwood to fend off the individually attacking bristles
(10:40:07 PM) aesmael:
See? You are real!
(10:40:23 PM) flynnacatri: No. I am a typing autobot.
(10:40:57 PM) aesmael: Alt-form?
(10:41:06 PM) flynnacatri: Invisible
(10:41:38 PM) aesmael: Translucent.
(10:41:46 PM) flynnacatri: Dryers are evil consumerism
(10:41:46 PM) aesmael: Transparent aluminum.
(10:43:12 PM) flynnacatri: Yes! IT CALLS ME! A great disturbance in the ocean mesopelagic zone! As if many phytoplankton CRIED OUT in sudden terror
(10:43:33 PM) aesmael: =^____^=
aesmael: (writing things down)
The astonishing story of the incomparable Rex Libris, Head Librarian at Middleton Public Library, and his unending struggle against the forces of ignorance and darkness. With the aid of an ancient god who lives beneath the library branch, Rex travels to the farthest reaches of the galaxy in search of overdue books. He must confront incredible foes, such as powerful alien warlords who refuse to pay their late fees. Wearing his super thick bottle glasses, and armed with an arsenal of high technology weapons, he strikes fear into recalcitrant borrowers, and can take on virtually any foe from zombies to renegade public-domain literary characters with aplomb.

An interview with Terry Pratchett at The Guardian, which is interesting overall but the most novel part for me was reading about why he got out of journalism.

Finally, a video:

[ profile] aepalizage: I think these animators must be confused
[ profile] aepalizage: Humpback whales are incapable of hovering aloft, and while they do sing in some sense, it is not German metal music.
[ profile] aesmael: Really? You must get different whales.
[ profile] aepalizage: Ours only sing in Polish
[ profile] aepalizage: And it's more of a quiet orchestral accompaniment
[ profile] aepalizage: I love how hauntingly similar German sounds to a language



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