aesmael: (tricicat)

arly in the week a girl (probably early high school but maybe late primary school) asked for help finding varied sources to site for her assignment about the solar system and that was fun. She's asked a similar question about different schoolwork months back and it is not often I get asked to deploy that much educational assistance on a topic.

Also interesting getting asked for help about a topic I've been relatively expert on when the appropriate response is not to display that - even if I had my peak knowledge on that subject it wouldn't have been helpful to her to display that. What she actually needed was for me to show her stuff like how to use library website database access to find stuff like Scientific American articles, and the astronomy section on the junior non-fiction shelves.

This got brought back to mind seeing a tweet by Mike Brown pointing to some new research on planetary system evolution. Felt good to read about that and to be excited again, despite that I probably will never be able to claim that expertise.

Mouth has been hurting again recently, despite having got another filling. Had strongly hoped that would resolve the matter for months if not years but it looks like I will be needing that root canal. Minor but persistent pain, so I put up with it last week through electrolysis. Pain got worse on Sunday, but nothing I couldn't handle with the painkiller regiment my dentist had recommended while treating me for an infection in this area a few weeks ago.

Called up on Tuesday (Sunday they weren't open and Monday I was at work during bankers' hours) to make an appointment. Disappointed to learn they had no spaces left this week, but I got a spot to have that root canal done on Thursday next week (2017-07-27). Of course by Thursday this week it decided to ramp up again so that even with painkillers in full effect I wasn't able to function through it.

This morning: went to dentist's office, got appointment moved to Monday, requested prescription for a stronger painkiller for the meanwhile. Got recommended a slightly stronger over-the-counter painkiller instead. Hoping that will be enough. Only three days now instead of another week. I really don't want this procedure done, am dreading it, but it is clearly not feasible for me to refrain.

Perhaps this is to a degree my fault - might have gotten the cavity seen to when I first noticed there was a problem, and maybe it wouldn't have reached so deeply that I'm needing to have the nerve itself removed if only I'd taken some time to decline additional shifts and got it looked at back in summer or early autumn. Maybe then it could have been caught before it so deep. Instead I thought I didn't need to stake time out to care for myself, that I could rely on gaps in the flow of time requested of me by the library

aesmael: (haircut)
In my dreams last night I was a woman, which is rare enough, albeit one as naive and awkward about it as my waking self.

In these dreams I also had a brief career in astronomy, in a system where publication is so compulsory that, for lack of anything more suitable, astronomical digests will scoop up and compile whatever incidental writings on the topic they can find - I thereby became scandalously known for my use of the word cunt in the literature, and there was some pressure for a more erudite, intentionally reasoned follow-up (i.e. that I write something actually intended for publication).

Surprisingly nice compared with my usual dreamings. Feeling wistful and wondering what I did to get such undreadful images in my sleeping self. Perhaps I'd like to interpret this as a message of hope or encouragement.

Originally published at a denizen's entertainment. You can comment here or there.

This morning I dreamed I was in a hell. No recently traditional imagery, just an ashy grey wasteland that was a constant energy drain. One had to be continually alert for ways to recover or preserve one's energy or else lose it all, cease to be.

Some unidentified, nonspecific loved ones were there also, and I made friends too with some decent-interesting folks there, but most others were focused on preserving themselves in nasty, violent or otherwise unsavoury ways. At one point in the dream I tricked most of them into killing each other. No details on the how or any of that were present, just it happened.

Of course more people kept arriving so that did not fix anything. I heard my cat meowing desperately complaining like she does, went to investigate the sound. At the border of this hell I found her protesting as she does when she is not let through a door, and then she jumped up in with me. Very silly kitty, you don't just jump into hells without knowing what you are doing, even if you are a cat and hate not being in places in a catlike way.

But that is about where things ended, and she didn't turn out to be actually outside my bedroom door yowling to get in, although maybe she had been a few minutes before? Anyway I got up and pulled what was left of a wooden coathanger out of a dog's mouth and scolded her for trying to eat it and that was that.

aesmael: (tricicat)
Dream was weird. About a guy writing a television show which featured a global zombie plague at the same time as ETI first contact, sort of like V if the aliens passed by without making contact and weren't necessarily evil crossed with... I don't know what has zombies like those ones. I Am Legend? The original text, I mean (which were vampires, I'm told, and that the story predates the modern 'zombie plague' concept anyway and was actually one of the originators, all in accordance with the Wikigospel).

Then my brain made up some Batman trivia, like that batarangs were made up by a woman named Barbara who worked in production design, as a criticism of excess in characterisation thematics. Also that she'd worked on a previous film which was the first to use the black on gold text as a sort of logo for Batman because she had invented it then for a character making reference to the superhero - so that the first external reference to the style happened before it officially was the style.

There were other details, but those mostly involve blood, a young undead girl making a nest for herself in her home (and discreetly protecting her unaware living little sister), a writing race between myself and the apparent (fictitious) friend who was writing this show, and an impromptu janitorial musical number / multi-wave slaughter, so perhaps I should refrain.

Mm. Went to bed early, woke up very early, may try and get more sleep.
aesmael: (nervous)
Inexplicably sleepy despite overheated, fanless bedroom. Ended up drowsing back to sleep for another hour despite having at least 8 of them unconscious already, and later in the day than I would have liked.

Also led to oddly unpleasant dream in which Earth's biota had been contaminated by alien life. Was given a gift of a creature resembling a small deer or a vicuña by my mother as a pet. Unfortunately this creature turned out to reproduce asexually and continuously, somewhat like a tribble (although tribbles were not referenced as a concept in the dream) and I was at a loss for what to do with it since I preferred not to starve or more directly kill it.

More disturbingly it turned out that due to the way this creature's neurology worked it would always viciously and emphatically attack anything which touched it only once. The tone of this information was that it meant death for any human who committed that error. I was amazed and relieved this had not happened to anyone in my family and that my own particular compulsive tendencies had led to my not triggering this behaviour yet either.

Not a pleasant dream that, about having to look after an unwanted and dangerous burden of an otherwise pleasant-looking creature.
aesmael: (haircut)
One good thing: it turns out I never did have a couple dozen needles embedded in my right hand.

Unfortunately also means that (unrecalled) conversation with [ profile] infinitely_late never happened, but ah well. That class didn't appreciate my genius anyway.
aesmael: (friendly)
Between myself and my mother, A and B.

A: Had an interesting dream last night. Someone throwing knives at me and me catching them and throwing them back*.
B: Well that could be a good omen.
A: It was a good dream, with the lack of the end of the world or dread or apocalyptic scenarios.
B: You should stop watching those things watch. Watch something happy instead, like Mary Poppins.
A: I once read an interpretation of Mary Poppins as existential horror :D**

*Did not mention the pump made by, for and of Pokemon and of which people had to cast water-breathing spells on themselves to survive the tour of, nor the unexpectedly homophobic team-member who declared it unfair that someone else got to help a plane with gay people on it to land when he was not allowed to just let them die. But pretty happy / fun as dreams go.

**sometimes accurate transcription requires this
aesmael: (transformation)
Industry placement thing has been going better, perhaps. Am managing to do more without needing assistance, and more complicated things with. Less nervous too, although today that seemed a bit reversed. Anxious and whimpery today despite managing stuff, and messing up a bit later in the day. Was busy in the afternoon and the noise and... visual busyness were unpleasant.

But I did manage pretty well without having to bother the permanent staff for assistance, except that they need to print for me. I have even less ability to do so than a randomly selected student, as I have no account access in the system at all.

In other news, my mother has a new laptop. She got it, I think, because she has taken up a course of study and wants reliable computer access in order to complete it (a final push it seems) and at her request I have been helping her set it up. Am a bit envious of the machine, being two years newer than mine. However, I did get a lamp out of the deal. Yes, a lovely shiny glorious lamp to keep by my bedside and give light when called upon in the dark.

Speaking of sleep, two nights ago I was woken by a nightmare and, shaking all over, lost two hours before I was able to sleep again. Not great when I needed those hours to be rested for my placement. Fortunately other than that blip my dreams seem to have returned to ordinary far. One a blood-swirling, scalpel-wielding, compulsively murderous young boy who had to be chided not to experimentally kill those around him. The other one featuring family telling me "you always take but never give". So long as I am neither woken nor shaken.

And another 'speaking of'. Speaking of sleep, I should try to get some before the hour grows too late and uncomfortable. So, trying to write first, to get done my personal things.

... and I fell asleep there, making the rest of this written the day after. Must have been tireder than I thought from losing sleep the two previous days - slept about twelve hours, five of those nowhere near my bed. Unfortunately that means rather than being pleased at having managed 221 words of writing (when I had been making slow progress that night and did most of it immediately before sleep), now I am disappointed I fell asleep before finishing this entry and getting to doing any writing at all. Ah well. I take the position I was in need of that sleep, to rest and recover.

Today has been interesting, spending about eight hours (so far) on Skype catching up with a few people I have not seen enough of in the past few days or much longer. Amusing considering I am feeling less social lately and more inclined to persue personal projects. But I like having at least some contact and social channels potentially open, and I am still learning how to regulate that more deliberately so my day does not vanish into a sea of responding to and engaging with people when I meant to be primarily doing something else entirely.

My compulsions seem to be resurfacing a bit at this placement. Not enough to be more than a minor annoyance so far, just little effects like what paths I take through the stacks or balancing tapping patterns when I make contact with something in a 'wrong' way. I suppose this has been a bit suppressed for the past few years since I have been mainly interacting with a keyboard and not so much having opportunities for showing it, so now it comes up that I am a) moving through a more complexly arranged space than home or classrooms and b) not having my hands occupied with typing gives more opportunity for the sorts of contacts that provoke my urge to pattern completion. A lot like sitting in front of a keyboard, typing text limits my ability to stim, especially with my hands, because they are already in motion.
I do not like it when my dreams could be made as horror films.
Actually did writing today. That's the first time since early June for any fiction at all, and the first since January for this particular story. 2008 has been a terrible year of writing for me, with only 6255 words so far - that's less than the total for some months last year.

But today, some work got done on the final part of Epic Fantasy. 261 words, which admittedly is not a lot by many standards, but I have always been a slow writer and for me this is quite good. And passed two of my three targets for writing today. Now, am going to see what overall pace can be sustained. Hopefully around this amount or more.

I had intended for 2008 to be a year of completion, finishing and polishing various stories I had started over the years so I could actually say 'done' and move on. Perhaps even feel good there were some projects in my past. So far that has extremely not happened, but there are months still in this year and no reason not to continue into the next. Besides, old projects are still new to those who have not seen them, and 2009 could easily be a year of new and old.

Like last year, I intend to make a not particularly strict attempt at NaNoWriMo this year. Mainly to see, 'hey, can I write at that pace? And if not oh well.' Had been wondering what stor(y)(ies) to use for it (one of the not strict parts of my participation), that it might see Epic Fantasy finished, and maybe follow on to Serial B or some scripts for the Voyager project... but the latter of those is nowhere near ready for writing, and Serial B is not ready for writing fast. Fortunately, [ profile] lost_angelwings and this post by [ profile] floorcandy have given me an idea for something new I could do. The use of an existing project was mainly because I did not want to create something new just for this and have to deal with it after, but since something has showed up anyway, let's go with that.

Dreams continue to be not pleasant. Last night dreamed I had been diagnosed with two cancerous tumours. This is the sort of thing which makes me want to not sleep.
aesmael: (haircut)
Last night I dreamed that [profile] pouringsand  turned out to actually be Lindsay Beyerstein|Majikthise.

Yesterday while looking through the newspaper for jobs I came across an ad for the army, talking about Australia's proud military history from WWI-WWII and beyond. I immediately thought of this:

Bent double, like old beggars under sacks,
Knock-kneed, coughing like hags, we cursed through sludge,
Till on the haunting flares we turned our backs
And towards our distant rest began to trudge.
Men marched asleep. Many had lost their boots
But limped on, blood-shod. All went lame; all blind;
Drunk with fatigue; deaf even to the hoots
Of tired, outstripped Five-Nines that dropped behind.

Gas! Gas! Quick, boys!–An ecstasy of fumbling,
Fitting the clumsy helmets just in time;
But someone still was yelling out and stumbling
And flound'ring like a man in fire or lime...
Dim, through the misty panes and thick green light,
As under a green sea, I saw him drowning.

In all my dreams, before my helpless sight,
He plunges at me, guttering, choking, drowning.

If in some smothering dreams you too could pace
Behind the wagon that we flung him in,
And watch the white eyes writhing in his face,
His hanging face, like a devil's sick of sin;
If you could hear, at every jolt, the blood
Come gargling from the froth-corrupted lungs,
Obscene as cancer, bitter as the cud
Of vile, incurable sores on innocent tongues,–
My friend, you would not tell with such high zest
To children ardent for some desperate glory,
The old Lie: Dulce et decorum est
Pro patria mori.
aesmael: (writing things down)
    Much better this time, I think. Overall I managed about five pages this week which is less than half of my target but hopefully I can pick it up next week. The new untitled story is going sort of well. I still don't know exactly what it is about but I am having fun writing it. Can't really add it to the list though; not only does it have no title, it is a notebook story of unknown shape so I can give neither progress nor expectations in fancy numbers (which are used fro counting). Maybe I shall call the story Uncountable (things like this are said when Tricias are sleepy)
    This morning I had a weird dream. It involved some jumbled history of Middle Earth with D&D stuff which is odd because I have had naught to do with either lately and the rest I would not begin to describe. I did get a page out of it this morning, however, and possibly an idea for a book which will not be exactly a novel or a collection of short stories but will relate on history and tale telling and time (and sounds far more grand being described than it really will be) but most of all is a new idea to me and therefore the most exciting thing ever.
    Not so specifically writery things, because I have sort-of responsibilities I have decided to declare that any day which does not result in some mathy preparation for going back to class in March plus actual job applying to be a failure. Also writing - target is three pages per day.

The List:
A Day in the Life
: 205 words : Finished
Meditation : 342 words : Finished
Rain : 397 words : Finished
Sparkle : 1250 words : 12,000 - 15,000; Part 1 of 3
Maricia : 3651 words : Finished
Sketch illustrating the 'Vhrydal' character for a shared world project : 1619 words : Finished but still would like to extend it to a full story someday
'Nother sketch for different characters : 670 words : Same as above
Sliced : 1887 : Finished
untitled : 1375 : Finished, this is a rewrite of a story I wrote for an english exam in high school
First : 178 : Finished
Serial A : 1217 : ~5,000 for the first part
Serial B : 269 : ~2,000 - 3,000 for the first part
    Chapter 5 : 647 : ~1,500
Fantasia : 302 : ~1,800
Discourteous Joe : 2571 : Serial story. Need to restart
Jayde : 779 : Open ended
    Part 1 : 312 : 312
Krakkaire : 1038 : ~8,000
Rametic Xmas Story : 467 : 8,000
Raven Zemaire : Outline Only : long term serial



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