Today has been very rough, emotionally, in ways I have dreaded and tried to run from. More than once I have worried about drawing attention by the visible signs of being knocked about.

Somehow, maybe, it turned out okay? Or not okay. Lights shone and conversations had and maybe the outcome is for the better. Maybe, I'm not sure, the outcome is acknowledging what already was.

And sometimes I feel like things are better now, and sometimes I get bowled over again and sobbing. And I don't know what the future will be like. But I have hopes, blended with melancholia.
aesmael: (nervous)

Had an assignment due at the end of last month. Got it in on time but since then I keep thinking of things I should have done and ways I should have presented it but of course that is all too late now.

Meanwhile I arrived in Minneapolis on Thursday, which is a different Thursday than I departed on. The flight was long and tiring, and complicated by the plane I was on departing and arriving late, meaning I most definitely missed my connection. Am lucky that got sorted by the airline and myself redirected at a two-stage flight here (instead of the direct one booked), as I was on the verge of tears and scared at what to do stranded in a foreign country far from anyone I knew and possibly out of contact with them all.

I did end up getting in contact with people, at least enough to let them know circumstances had changed and reassure that I was safe and all. Late night arrival instead of early evening.

Slept long and late, no surprise. Been perpetually tired and overloaded and probably socially overwhelmed since I have got here - frequently feeling like I need to or am about to cry. Imagine I’ve probably been snappish and difficult too.

Feel bad because I am here to be with people I love but maybe it is too much for me. Maybe I just cannot handle life.

Am looking forward to having quiet time tomorrow, hopefully I will not ruin it for myself by trying to do more than can be actually fit into a single day.

aesmael: (just people)
What I wrote here was incomplete.

The happiness, the joy at diminished fear allowing me to live, those were real. However, the thoughts which had prompted those nightmarish days, the... mental images, those did not vanish. They did cease to dominate my thoughts or press with immediacy, certainly reduced in frequency and intensity, so I could say truly I was relieved and unafraid. It was just imaginings now, as easily ignored as the many other sets which reside in here.

With time, and until reminded, I can even forget about them. Had not reached that stage yet. Yesterday... I experienced another peak of anxiety and fear, that paralysing sick feeling of helpless terror and imminent threat.

In the morning I showered and thought I might die trapped in the bathroom if there were to be a zombie outside the door. I considered our dog Angel (who was not at all helpful in her own outbreak of nerves that morning, following me in to the bathroom in her own apparent shaking fear of being alone) possible threat of sudden attack, or emergency food in desperation. I considered dismantling my razor for use as weapon of last resort or implement of suicide. I thought about being so disconnected from my laptop and unable to reach out or communicate any last words.

Showering, I held myself and tried to say it was okay, that it was okay to be afraid and let it out. I couldn't bring myself to. I felt sick. Safety contracted until the walls of the shower itself were the only gesture in that direction. I remain relieved I have yet to see the things my mind's eye insists on.

As I have managed so far, I made myself continue my life, to leave the room, and get dressed, and go back out into the living areas. Fortunately [ profile] soltice was online and available to call on Skype. I was insistent on video, to assure myself I spoke to a living human.

We talked long time and she was a tremendous help. I was finally able to cry a bit, and let things out. Stress, anxiety, obligation, much of it self-imposed. I had asked myself during that shower, 'why zombies?', and they seem to represent to me the inexorable closing in of hopelessness and death with no chance of escape but only, sometimes, a choice in how to die. And [ profile] soltice helped. We talked of anxiety, stress, pressure and coping with it. The reminder that loosening ourselves from obligation can allow us to get more done, when we allow it to be okay doing only what we can at the time and letting the rest go. Also the importance of letting fun be fun rather than a drudgery.

At the beginning of the conversation I had been thinking myself in need of anti-anxiety medication, feeling this must be a neurochemical issue with no focus. Talking with [ profile] soltice I realised there is indeed a lot I am stressed with and began to think that if I can alleviate and manage this stress I might be able to be happy with my functioning without needing medication. Of course that is unknown still, and there may be an underlying issue I could not manage unmedicated, but I am now less certain of its necessity.

Thanks to [ profile] soltice (and with the help of [ profile] pazi_ashfeather and [ profile] mantic_angel) I was feeling again light and happy by the time she left for the gym. I resolved to loosen my burden of self-imposed obligation and take some ease that afternoon and evening. I actually was looking forward to writing but did not get to it, being tired and lacking sleep lately.

This is not being an easy shift for me to make. I have something of a cycle, of building stress until something breaks, then realising again I am allowed to have fun and release myself from pressure, followed by intense relief and I slip into feeling as if I can add 'just this thing more' and piling obligation on myself again.

Right now I am feeling tense about my lack of accomplishment for the day so far. Trying to calm myself down again, remember it is okay. Plus, if I am too stressed to actually do anything or even choose something to do, that is self-reinforcing.

I wrote a little bit on November 5, but not in the two days since. Mostly because I have been tired and not sleeping much. I am looking forward to writing more today though. Would be happy to get back into that.

Epic Fantasy
Zokutou word meterZokutou word meterZokutou word meter
9,826 + 436
(4.4% more)
aesmael: (tricicat)
Last night I was up late working on my next project, tSOW, and did not sleep until six hours after I had intended to. Exciting progress but it meant I slept much later than I intended to and missed many of the hours I hoped to have for a date with [ profile] pazi_ashfeather.

I felt lousy about that but we still had a few hours together before she needed to sleep and we even got to talk via Skype, although I had better sleep soon if I am to make our postponed date tomorrow. During our conversation I discovered I did not need my headset at all, which was very freeing.

Also did a bit of work reassembling an old desktop pc for one of my projects, which went well until I discovered the power cord for the monitor seems to be missing. Hopefully I can find that soon or borrow another to replace it.

Most happily, I finally got to begin reading the second Series of Unfortunate Events book to her, The Reptile Room. I greatly enjoy reading to people and it made me quite happy to do this. She has offered that we could read to each other on our date. I hope we keep this up with some frequency this time.

As is the habit these days, there was writing later, with a bit of a very happy interruption when I got to call [ profile] soltice on Skype too. We have not talked like that in far too long. The writing went unexpectedly well and I find myself in a position I have not been in before. Plus I get to talk to [ profile] coniferous_you about writing, which does not happen often enough.

After an initial panic, today became a good day.
aesmael: (tricicat)
(2:31:39 PM) Tess AshFeather: The problem with dating a bird is that you really can't get away. We'll just land on your head and make a nest of your hair.
(2:32:08 PM) Trice AshFeather: ♥♥♥
aesmael: (friendly)
Found via the expansive prognostications of [ profile] soltice, a tale of unified Discordian misadventure.
aesmael: (sudden sailor)

Originally published at a denizen's entertainment. You can comment here or there.

For one of my classes I am tasked with the creation of a bibliography, an extensive document serving as a directory of books, serials and web resources pertaining to a particular subject. More complicated than something for which a simple catalogue search would suffice.

The library whose resources I have chosen to create the bibliography for (it has to be for and using the resources of a particular library) is the Seattle Public Library. The subject I have nominated to cite is resources for building writing and artistic skills.

My actual intention behind this is to create a resource index for aDE, material we can use to study and learn from. Currently the area of material I am investigating is very broad and not especially well defined. It would be helpful if people would nominate particular areas of interest for skill development, or resources they have found useful in the past.

People who are not members of aDE are welcome to participate too. They are certainly welcome to make use of the bibliography once it is done.

aesmael: (haircut)
But we were not the first.
aesmael: (tricicat)

Originally published at a denizen's entertainment. You can comment here or there.

Light is of course a fluid. Drennets learn this at a very early age and frequently run outside as children to catch in cups the daily rain of sunlight, which they keep glowing by their bedside at night, or drink to feel its warmth flow through and fill their bodies right to the very tips of their fingers and hair, sometimes overindulging to the point of themselves beginning to glow and leak, or sometimes dip brush or finger in and use as paint, that special paint which is seen at night until it dries and fades or leaves radiant stains in many a youngster's reach.

As they grow older, the more inquisitive might experiment with pouring sunlight through prisms and learning the tastes of the colours. Hot, sharp violet, the tang of green, sweet soothing red. Mixing and remixing, sometimes sifting fine and collecting as many gradations as they can for experiments artistic, culinary, scientific, or some combination of the three. Or perhaps the simple joy of collecting.

Sunlight is plentiful and easy to collect, its fall regular, predictable, and abundant. Starlight is different. Each faint glittering point in the night produces such fine mist it might take a night, a week, a month to fill even a thimble. Each star's light is different. Tinted, flavoured, altered by its source and path. Dust-sweetened, tang of re-radiation, merest whisper of brushing other worlds.

Each unique, each precious. In fields beyond the cities myriad dishes open at night, each arranged just so to collect its target's light, stored for later collection in specially mirrored containers to prevent evaporation. These are used much the way sunlight often is: art, flavour, science. Starlight distilled, starlight blended, starlight flowing glowing in many-threaded tubes, the light of a thousand suns mingling in intricate sculpture in a dark room. Expensive seasoning, fierce nova light, never to be tasted again in a lifetime.

Night falls and silver flowers open to the light.

aesmael: (tricicat)

Originally published at a denizen's entertainment. You can comment here or there.

Despite my stated intention to relocate my fiction catalogue to a denizen's entertainment, and to expand upon it when all old is done, I have been lax at actually going through with this project. Consequently, catching up, here are two stories at once:

These are added to the existing A Day in the Life. The stories so far posted are brief, unrelated vignettes. Later other kinds of writing will also occur.

Responses/Feedback are permitted (considered standard, thought for once to make explicit).

aesmael: (tricicat)
[13:56] soltice: I'm curious, where would you like to live the most?
[13:56] aesmael: Hm?
[13:56] aesmael: Out of where?
[13:57] soltice: Well, if you had the choice to live anywhere, where would you like to live?
[13:59] aesmael: Somewhere on a hill overlooking a distant but reachable ocean, with a beautiful garden and friends and family close by. There would be sun, and rain, and snow in winter and in spring you can walk barefoot.
aesmael: (tricicat)

Originally published at a denizen's entertainment. You can comment here or there.

[Conducted in relay, edited for coherence]

Trice: You're the anthropologist. Frustrated question: Why don't people realise other people are people too?

Tess: Because we live in a self-serving appeasist culture.

Ami: My sister is an anthropologist too :\

Trice: Some anthropologists are good and some are bad tho.

Trice: At the end of each millennium they battle it out for supremacy.

Tess: <.<

Tess: >.>

Tess: *polishes her katana nervously*

Ami: :o

Ami: There can only be one? :O

Tess: Well, Mr. Leaky. We meet again. May I show you my discovery? *brandishes sword* I call her, "Lucy". Like it!? *manical grin*

Ami: Stay in universities

Ami: since in highlander churches and other religious places

Ami: are where immortals cannot fight.

Ami: I guess for anthropologists their safe place are libraries and university offices? :o

Ami: Mebbe museums? :o

Tess: The last stand will be in the Akkadian exhibit in the British museum...

Trice: Fitting, I suppose...

Trice: Since the Monolith never was found.

Tess: Really? I could never figure out why my mattress is so stiff, black, and occasionally trills...

aesmael: (writing things down)
    I went out shopping earlier. Did not find what I was after, probably just as well because a storm was breaking as I came home and it would have been soaked. My first time ever driving with lightning, with rain coming down so hard I had to turn the wipers up to full and everything turned to mist.
    The clouds themselves were not so dark, so the rain had to make up the extra.

    I did hear on the news that someone was killed by the storm, so perhaps it is fortunate we did not get it as intensely here, nor any of the promised hail. I did get soaked getting out of the car though, which is exactly the same as dying.

    My sheets were (are) out there though, so maybe I will sleep on a bare mattress or take this opportunity to dig up a set which fits my bed or just not sleep at all. Who knows?

    Also, I really must get to writing some time before midnight. Last night I managed 42 words of Elegant Girl, thinking I was inspired to finally write the story about the dragon. Unfortunately it turns out I was only thinking so. I also wrote 128 words for my Sekrit Projekt. That is not many and certainly not enough to make the average I should be to meet my monthly target, however it does have the advantage of being exactly as much as the story needed, no more and no less.
    So I am happy about that, if not my writing overall. Shall see what I can manage tonight, tho it would be better if I did not start tired.
Zokutou word meterZokutou word meterZokutou word meter
910 / 9,300
aesmael: (tricicat)
    November was a big month for me, I think. I did post 96 entries to this journal, although I do not know how it compares to previous months. November 12th was a big day for me though, or at least the evening of the 11th. I remember that, though my wretched time sense sweeps away so many details.
    Perhaps it is foolish of me to write a retrospective post when I do not actually recall many details of the past month. What I do recall, I shall not say, for it is too personal. I do not feel as if I have made any progress, exactly, but possibly enough wounds have been reopened that I can in the future.
    I need some space to think. It is my intention to drop away from the internet as much as I can for the next few days and see if I can find some room in here for myself.

    In more concrete news, I wrote 184 new words of my sekrit projekt on the 23rd of November. This is also the night on which I watched Haibane Renmei, which counts as a significant event in the past month. It was a disappointing output because I only wrote two-thirds of what I was intending to and I had been meaning to write that and more on the 22nd, except I turned out to be in too much pain to concentrate that day. Ah well. Not used to it, that's my excuse. Well, I finally finished the remaining 149 words of that part last night, and would have liked to get to the next today except I found myself caught up in administrative tasks. Also, someone has set the 'rate of flow of time' dial too high.
    I did manage to write a total of 10,589 words last month which, while far short of 50,000, is still 4,589 more than my personal target for the month. Now in December to keep up my plan my daily target is increased from 200 to 300 words, for a total of 9,300 in the month.
    This is the point at which my plan of increase has broken down every single time so far, so I am nervous. Since I only wrote 149 words yesterday, I need to maintain an average for the rest of the month of 305 words daily to make my target. Should be able to make it since I had that many words in sixteen days last month, but last month was slightly crazy.
    I miss writing but, even though my time is technically my own for the next couple of months (although I shall also be looking for work), I am afraid there will not be time for it. Too much needs to be done and my creative heart feels dead whenever I sit down to use it.
    To continue even when words are ash, that is perhaps a lesson I need to learn.

Here is a graph, because everyone loves graphs:
Zokutou word meterZokutou word meter
149 / 9,300

You can guess what it is a graph of yourself because I know you kids enjoy that sort of thing.
aesmael: (transformation)
    It is 84 days since I was placed on a trial run of hormone replacement therapy and my prescription has run out. I took my last oestrogen pill 24 hours ago, although there is still enough cyproterone acetate to last me until several days past my next (third) appointment with the endocrinologist I have been seeing, on the 11th of December.
    I suspect it was his intention that I run out of those several days before seeing him again, so that he could test my blood under the influence of anti-androgens alone. However, [ profile] soltice has pointed out to me that I can indeed call and ask if that was the intention and I shall do so Monday morning.
    As for effects, my chest has been still tender this week, perhaps more so than usual, and the lumps under my nipples seem fairly large. That is about all to report this week.
    Today and this evening I have felt weak and lacking energy, although I doubt that is an effect of oestrogen's absence.

Onward to measurements, pictures )
aesmael: (Electric Waves)
    I have been remiss in following through on my stated intentions. Well, the actual elections are in a little less than a week and it is a busy week for me. I will cover as many as I can. Time to finish looking at the Family First policies I missed last time.
Warning: Contents Hazardous to Families )
aesmael: (tricicat)

Not the exact song I was first looking for, but I needed this one too.
aesmael: (tricicat)
    This is something I used to do back when I posted on MSN rather than LiveJournal. I thought it would be interesting to take the ratings we apply (in Australia, those being the ones I am familiar with) to film and television and apply them to the written material I consume.
    It seemed an amusing and possibly enlightening exercise to undertake, one open to discussion if people care for it, and now I have decided to start it up again. Since I have been reading little non-webcomic fiction lately (which must change) and not rating those I have, we begin with a backlog of old ones, not all of which originally were posted.
    Let it also be noted that these ratings signify only that this is what I think the story would be rated were it filmed as is and screened for the OFLC (Office of Film and Literature Classification), no more.
    This post also marks the first appearance of the icon spontaneously edited into existence for me by the wonderful [profile] soltice . Expect to be seeing a lot more of it.

aesmael: (Electric Waves)
    Travelling by train to an excursion several weeks ago, I was asked by classmates about my plans for the next few years (relevant to an assignment). When I told them I saw myself in the United States, Canada or the UK in four years time, it felt as though I was jumped on with requests for explanation.
    Really, in what world does a desire to travel/live overseas for an indefinite extended period mean "Don't you like it here?" is a sensible question. Okay, okay, I can see some logic to that question but it still annoys me to be expected to explain myself as if it is somehow bizarre to want to leave the country.
    I don't hate it here but I have always wanted to travel and see other places *resists temptation to segue into Star Trek opening monologue*.
    Oh, and I am annoyed with myself for being tongue-tied as always in my defence and for keeping silent on the most important reason for those particular in that particular time frame to avoid further judgement.
aesmael: (friendly)
    Yesterday I transcribed another 250 words of Krakkaire. My fingers are getting very twitchy copying it over as is. Small changes are being made.
    'Finished' the initial scene setter for FotHE's Flight plotline, added some background information for Raven Zemaire but mostly discovered I already had a few documents lying around for that material. Did not do anything for RXS. Did have a very productive conversation with [ profile] soltice about Raven Zemaire which helped with various details, themes and plot directions.
    That is all on that front, time to 'write' some more. Fortunately I have not yet worked out how to play that 3D Chess game I installed, although I did give in to temptation and log in to my account at Brainking for the first time in half a year... since I started tracking my writing, in fact.
    If anyone cares to have a go at something, well, I am not that hot but this is how people learn, right? Or maybe I will see if n-dimensional tetris breaks my brain or not.

  1. Blame [ profile] gentle_gamer for my suddenly renewed interest in board games
  2. I think I have a partial solution for the daily quota problem I have created for myself. Instead of trying to meet a word quota each day, I will try basing a monthly total based on what would be the daily quota and keep track of the average I need to maintain to meet it. This way it will not matter so much if I miss a day (or spend it editing), so long as overall I keep on track.
  3. I do not want to see the word quota for the next week.



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