aesmael: (me-pangolin)

=== A Lament From 2017-07-11 ===

Even though I'm glad not to be the weekend supervisor any more, and especially to be taking fewer shifts at the library in general (now, if only that would translate into "living my time off in a way I feel happier with") I'm still feeling frustrated at not breaking them of all their bad habits before my time was up. Mostly this bugs me because it's me who works Monday mornings and has to clean up after any errors - they're not major problems but it still causes me a bit of extra work every week and tweaks my sense of "this is not proper". Currently the weekend staff is 3 new people (as in hired since May), 1 casual on Saturdays, and 1 long-term person on Sundays. Normally there would be one of the weekday full-time librarians on Saturdays but she is currently filling in as the head of circulation for another 3 months. So, a lot of opportunity for this stuff to get embedded and harder to shake.

On the bright side, yesterday and today involved meeting and training two of the newest casual hires. Working on being available and informative and keeping an eye on what they are doing, while also showing trust and confidence and not being overbearing, and being clear about the distinction between library policy and my preferred implementation of same. Little bit kicking myself for forgetting to update one today that library patron PINs don't actually have to be numbers. Maybe remember next time we work together.

Anyway: trying to be helpful and supportive, not hurtful, useless or assuming incompetence. We'll probably be working together semi-frequently, so I hope I like them and get along with them.

Feeling conflicted about stuff like: part of my role being stuff like telling kids to stop running around the library. Kids need space to be kids, rather than teaching them to suppress themselves. And spaces that are child-unfriendly also end up being de facto woman-unfriendly so long as the childrearing and childcare burdens fall disprorportionately on women. Plus the folk who complain about children in the library tend to get on my nerves and inspire me to feel vindictive toward them. But, times when there are many boisterous kids in the library do tend to give me sensory overload and headaches, and I'm sure I'm not the only person who is negatively by this - it surely makes using the library for intended purposes like work, reading and study more difficult. So I feel conflicted.

Luckily I'm not very good at it, and they tend not to stop running or playing Counterstrike quietly for very long?

Home stuff! Today a pair of socks I ordered arrived, long socks in asexual pride colours (black/grey/white/purple). Was pretty excited, and if they wear well I want to order some more in other patterns, especially since many of my socks are getting holes in their toes. After opening the package, showed them to my mother (didn't say the colours represented anything, just that I got new socks). All she had to say was to tell me not to wear them to work and that they're unprofessional.

That's really upsetting. It would be great if she were ever happy or complimentary for me about anything. The only thing I can remember her being congratulatory about was when I got hired from casual to permanent part-time, and that was an act of self-defence because whoever got my current job would be taking the hours I normally worked as a casual, and leaving me with sharply reduced income.

She doesn't show that she's happy for me, pretty much ever. Any time I try and talk to her it turns into her issuing orders and telling me to change, to be or do less, or what not to do - find doctors closer to home, find work closer to home, don't go places, don't buy your own groceries, and so on and on.

Can't she ever be happy for me? I'm aching for someone to share my excitements with, and sharing a home with someone who redirects every communication into a not good enough or an act of racism is poisonous[1].

[1] Latest example: on the weekend I told her I was watching the Games Done Quick stream, which is a charitable event raising money for Médecins Sans Frontières, and her response was to grumble about how awful it is those countries don't look after their own people. Gotta find a way to be negative everywhere, hey?

aesmael: (haircut)
Went clothes shopping with my mother and sisters. Ended up getting a couple of shirts, a skirt, and a big woolly sweater, 3 items of which am currently wearing. Family had wanted to go see a movie, specifically Absolutely Fabulous, but it was no longer showing. I'm a bit relieved by that as it's quite not my thing although I would have gone for the sake of being social. Siblings also got some clothes, as did my mother, but the latter turned down a lot of things we thought would have looked nice on her.

Been worried about taking the time out away from school when I'm in such dire circumstances, but it's rare enough to get some non-awful social time I chose to take the time and opportunity.

aesmael: (tricicat)

Feeling rather tired today. According to my phone I was very active, so no surprise this is one of those days I come home from work and find it painful to walk or stand until the next morning. The morning started quiet but from about noon onward it kept getting busier.

There's about a half-dozen new casual staff starting at the library over the next two weeks and today was the first, so we were supposed to leave off the shelving to give him something easy to do on the first day. And also to leave us a bit bored because it was quiet to start with, although I had my lists of various kinds of missing items to work on. Even I set aside a couple of other miscellaneous tasks to use as demonstrations – damaged book from the returns, book with missing RFID tag, library card that had been lost in the library a few days previous.

Unsurprisingly this story ends with none of those happening. He had an orientation at the council for about the first hour, and then meeting with the manager and being shown around by her for a while, followed by my co-worker being assigned to further get him up to speed on the actual library systems and processes. About a half hour before lunch I realised where this was going and ran around getting as much shelving done as I could before the next shift took over.

On the bright side I seems all the new starters are going to be issued a copy of the checklist myself and another part-timer worked on over Friday and Sunday so that is a) something to be pleased about and b) something to leverage into pay increases and future job applications. Although I also thought of some things today which likely should have gone onto that document, which demonstrates why at least when you have me do it such things are better built over a longer period of time than a day and a half.

Yesterday after work I went shopping to try and get a more explicitly feminine work wardrobe, I guess, to force a contrast with what my co-workers had been seeing me in for the past most of a year. Was unhappy with how those clothes were sitting on me and after several unpleasant months of failed searches that left me dismal and defeated.

The main, main thing I had been looking for was new pants, as the ones I'd been wearing kept sitting unpleasantly low on my hips. Felt very uncomfortable wearing that. So, finally fixed, and got a bunch of surprisingly cheap new tops to wear to work or with my recent skirt acquisitions, which had been very lacking. Very relieving.

Wore such fresh outfit to work today, was nervous. Went okay though! No unexpected uproar, and the manager said the colour (of the top) looks good on me. In passing on her way out to lunch. So, yay!

I get to exist in some spaces and that is an improvement.

So, busy day today. Let's leave off with two notable things about today.

I made lunch this morning but forget to pick it up on my way out the door, so ended up buying fish and chips for lunch. Was worried about the delay when busyness kept me 7 minutes late from starting my lunch break but managed to eat without rush and be done in good time. And a little progress on the book I'm reading too.

A caller midway through the morning, saying ey got a notice about items being due and ey returned them all several days ago. Ey seems liable to repeat and emphasise this point a few times so I interrupt and ask for the card number they were borrowed under.

“I'm driving at the moment. I think I better call you back in about 10 minutes.”

“Yes, I think you had better.”

“Goodbye.” “Goodbye.”

Addendum: so far as I am aware, ey has not called back.

That should be enough journal for now. Got to save some time for book non-reviewing and scholarship.

aesmael: (Electric Waves)

Today was the first time I wore a skirt to work. My hand was forced, somewhat, with my only pair of work slacks being in the wash. Could have worn jeans but those aren't strictly dress code and even though I was going to be working at the isolated little branch library there is always the possibility someone from the upper or senior echelons of council management would appear around to a) notice and b) care.

I got a bit of help from Ami last night in picking which skirt and what top to put with it, as my selection is currently extremely limited and badly suited to any sort of professional appearance. But it managed and we all went okay. Was only working with one person today, but she did not say anything, and there was indeed a surprise cluster of management types using a meeting room, which we had not known about in advance as the process of keeping library staff informed about the use of our facilities had broken down.

And although it is always a quiet place, I helped a few patrons through the day, some of whom were entirely new and some definitely recognising me from the past, and none seemed surprised or put out by my attire so despite my nervousness that was a big relief. Even though I have the support of the library manager ever day I do not need to call upon that is a day that is better than it might have been.


Relieved to get to exist for now.


Tomorrow I have a consultation about the when and how of getting my wisdom teeth removed. This is something I am very nervous – probably scared – about but it gets easier the more and the more often they hurt. It becomes something to look forward to, being able to eat again without pain, or even to exist in the times between eating. Must remember to bring my referral and x-rays with me or it will be a bit pointless as an outing.

I feel a bit of an urgent need to go clothes shopping as well, after, and hope I find something that works for me. I thought I had solved the question of clothes for work a year ago but I was mistaken. Continuing to be trapped in the tension between wanting something that is good enough ASAP, and wanting to be slow and careful in getting clothes that work especially well for me. Assuming those exist. But for now I definitely find myself in need of work slacks that actually fit and are not half falling off my hips (and which do have decently sized pockets if possible because pockets are useful!) and at least a couple of presentation-shifting tops as well. The ones I bought last year are all the buttoned sort I was used to, and I feel it is worth off-setting my presentation a bit further from what my co-workers probably incorrectly internalised as masculine.

What I want may be too simple to be readily attainable.


There is a lot of more stressful things going on and upcoming too, but I will leave those for another time. It is getting late and I want to be done with this, to get I hope at least a little more study done tonight before sleep.

aesmael: (tricicat)

Awake too early thanks to bad dreams. Dreams of a screaming, fist-pounding, equipment-endangering outburst of frustration and then having to put back on the happy, untroubled face for my family so they wouldn't condemn or press for explanation. The only part remaining I can put into words.

Awake too early because I was awake and the sense of some dread, amorphous feeding presence made sleep too fearful. And because sleep had fled in the face of perhaps adrenaline. I would like to sleep more - I've been so tired - but must wait for things to pass.

My head hurts. Likely need more water.

Yesterday, a co-worker informed me the shirt I'd worn the day before had a tear. So now am down to one work shirt that fits well. Will try and buy some more tomorrow after getting my face lasered, which at least is an opportunity to get some better-suited clothes if I can find them. I've not had much success finding shirts on my own that I would be comfortable wearing.

That's what's mostly going on here at the moment. There's some other things I wanted to say before, but they're harder to write and might get abandoned. Meanwhile today is a day of rest and cleaning and study.

It was disheartening seeing my previous posts when I came to write this, that I've been trying to focus on this assignment for more than a month, and it is due in less than a week, and I am so tired and have made so little progress. I want to quit but I don't want to quit. I'm sick of quitting or failing.

aesmael: (sexy)
I should definitely make new boots a priority. Only had these ones not quite 2 years, but got a blister on my toe after just four hours of mostly seated work and 90 minutes (total) driving today and been getting lesions on my heels for probably a few months now. Seems clear that however nice they were to begin with these boots are now doing my feet more harm than good.
aesmael: (tricicat)
For several years now I have had a costume idea I wanted to try and Halloween has always seemed like a good excuse. Haven't managed so far but wanting to change that this year.

So. What I am after is putting together a 'pirate catgirl' costume. Possibly a space pirate but does not have to be. The problem is I am quite clueless about how to go about this, so if anyone has advice on putting it together, that would be very welcome.

Posted to my journal and to [ profile] mtf_fashion.
aesmael: (haircut)
    Another thing (parasite) which has been going round. This time people who volunteer in the comments will explain seven of their interests which I will choose. And now, my time has come round. Right now I am feeling slightly dead and never have I been good at this sort of thing but an attempt has been promised and so an attempt shall be made.

It is larger on the inside )
aesmael: (sexy)
    Today we were learning MARC (MAchine Readable Cataloguing). I was amused when our teacher described field 521 (target audience, e.g. film classifications) as 'censorship information'.

    After class I frivolously purchased a new headset and a new outfit. That headset has better sound quality than my laptop speakers or any other headphones I have used and now that I have it I ought to add my skype account to my profile. It is a new account since I forgot my password for the old one. It would be advisable to warn before calling, should anyone be so mad as to wish to call in the first place, since most of the time I am in a less than private location.
    The outfit is one I have had my eye on for weeks now. Secret pictures tomorrow, maybe. It looked better on the manikin but oh well.

    The store where I bought the headset, by the way, had a television out front running a reel from the new Transformers videogame. It looked better than the movie because, even if the graphics were not as good, at least I could see what was happening.
aesmael: (haircut)
That's right, today I went and got myself a haircut. I asked for them to give me this [Third down on the right , right-clicking not working right now for some reason. :-\]. So now just imagine that I look almost, but not quite, completely unlike her. Not sure how I feel about it yet. In the right light (when you can barely see my face P:) I look boyish. Other times it can maybe be horrid. I do miss having my hair so long though - hadn't realised it was this much shorter. Oh well, it is still better than any cut I ever had before.

I also went and bought two new outfits with the money I had been saving up for when I passed my driving test (these things take time!). Thorny pink vines seem to be the theme this time. One pair black pants with curls and a butterfly on the hip pocket, greyish top with stylised flowers growing over the right breast + black and pink jumper. The other is 3/4 length pants with flowers down the left leg and matching hooded top (the flowers on that one are over the left breast) and a pink top for underneath (with more flowers!). Normally I'm not much for pink but it goes so well (I hope - maybe I don't have any taste?) with the other colours. Now I'm going to have to get a camera to show everyone how awful I look.

More shopping next week! I'm trying to build up a wardrobe of casual clothes for every day wear, especially warm ones. After all... winter is coming. :-P

Love and general well-wishes,

Edit: My sister (who just got back from band practice) Says the first outfit makes me look like I have child-bearing hips. The second one looks like an old woman's blouse despite the SUPER-cool hood. I put the former together myself, the latter was a display outfit *feels proud*
My mother just brought my sister back from TAFE and when she saw the what I was wearing she said I should not have that skirt, it should be hers. And then when my sister walked past she told me it was pretty. So now I am feeling so fluttery happy I can not contain it and that is where this post comes in.

Must take a photo later.
[Figured I may as well repost this since X-Men came up again]

Out and about yesterday and – oh! - what fantastical adventures I had. Haven't been clothes shopping for ages so I collected some much needed new skirts and, as is becoming my habit, a new book. This one was for my younger sister rather than me, The Importance of Being Earnest and Other Plays by Oscar Wilde, though she's offered to let me read it when I get the chance (I think I'm free sometime next May).

I did have some fun wishing people a 'happy.end of the world' in honour of the date. Too bad no one seemed to notice. And to cap it all off I saw X-Men III – The Last Stand (it is kind of like a pointy rock). A very inadvertantly themed day punctuated by reading the short story Coccoon (part of my Egan reading kick) while waiting for the movie to start (that'll show me for buying tickets early and then finishing my business soon after)

The movie might well have been the least of what I got up to but it also seems the easiest to talk about so that is what you are going to get. It seems to help to go into the theatre expecting disappointment; I think this one was not as good as the second and probably not the first either but I still enjoyed it (weep for poor Summer Snow, tragically born without taste). I lost a fair bit of respect for Magneto in this one. Even if he is the villain I had (mistakenly?) thought he was intended to be an intelligent and sympathetic one. He clearly should have expected plastic weapons and he could have organised his forces in a more effective manner (Why would anyone voluntarily take unnecessary losses? For the sake of a clever line, apparently). I blame one of my pet peeves – characters behaving inconsistently to force the story into the desired shape.

My favourite character is still Mystique (watch X2 to see what a minion should be). If I could choose the power of any of the mutants to have for myself it would probably be hers (though Wolverine's healing is pretty neato too). I wonder if those two things are related? Too bad she's barely in this one. Still can't decide if I'm angry with the filmmakers or the characters for some of the things that happen in this one. Depends if I come down on the side of 'in character' or 'out of character' really. I'm no fan of the comics so I may well come down on the wrong side.

Weird narrative deja vu thingy (not mentioned here previously, no need to look) struck again – when I saw the final shot before the end credits there was a strong feeling of having seen it before. Time to go now and try to solve my new problem; now that I have new skirts I have no tops to go with them. The saga continues...



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