aesmael: (probably quantum)
Today was perhaps a good day, although not what I anticipated. I ended up spending about three hours playing games in multiplayer which I had not planned. First, a while playing Alien Swarm again with Ami and Grace, the latter of whom I have rather missed (I do not miss Ami because I have daily contact with her still, which is good). That started out as a test effort to get a three-player game of Secret of Mana going, but this seems to be an unattainable goal. Instead, we defaulted to freely available space marine squad shooting up swarms of aggressive alien bug-things.

It was wonderful to get to hang out and laugh and have fun with friends again. I missed it a lot and hope I will be able to make more time in my life for this, that more opportunities for repeating the experience will be available.

Later, since we can't get a third player, Ami and I started our Secret of Mana game over again with the new circumstances in mind. Also fun times, and conveniently allowing me to see how the plot began instead of joining it partway through like I had last time (there was not much plot).

In betweentimes I worked some more on the database of books and stories I have read that I have been building for ill-defined and scarcely considered reasons. But at least I am potentially learning new skills in the process.

Yesterday was also not what I expected. I woke in the morning to find Avast had reported a virus in its scanning and recommended a further scan at boot. I let it go ahead with that, forgetting how long those take, and was consequently without my computer for 7 hours. This meant conversations had to be carried out via the far less comfortable medium of my phone. I ended up planning out some meals for - hopefully - the next week, and also started rereading through Berserk to pass the time. Currently am at Volume 3 and aim to stop there for a while. I'm aiming to be a bit more flexible in my reading in the future, but that is not something I can dive right into, and I have "things to do" meanwhile.

Losing such a chunk of November first also put a damper on any aspirations I may have had to participate in NaNoWriMo, although I'd not entertained any idea of actually attaining 50,000 words anyway. I still might try and manage a burst of writing, which I'd like to do regardless of the month.
aesmael: (nervous)
Today's list brings some surprises, some non-surprises, and some surprising non-surprises.

Who comments the most on this journal? )

Plus, I had to do it. ^_~
aesmael: (haircut)
In conversations with [livejournal.com profile] lost_angelwings one of the topics she has talked about, especially in relation to Star Wars (and criticism of same), is conveying narrative through fight scenes and how this can be done well or poorly.

Last night I had this in mind as I was watching a movie presented as The Protector (or more properly, Tom-Yum-Goong according to Wikipedia), which features a man named Kham who is of a line of guards protecting the King of Thailand's war elephants and who pursues poachers to Sydney, Australia when the two he is closest with (Por Yai and the calf Kohm) are kidnapped, trying to rescue and return them home. Along the way he is troubled by corrupt white Australian cops who try to kill him and large numbers of people who arrange to be beaten up him, or occasionally to beat him up.

I was not paying especial attention to the plot since most of the movie is in Thai and subtitled and I was busier with my laptop for most of the time. One part which did catch my attention is very relevant to the first paragraph of this post. About halfway through the film Kham has tracked the the people responsible to a restaurant and I was amazed to see a single shot go on four about four minutes following Kham as he fights his way in a spiral up to the top floor. He bursts into the top floor of the restaurant and demands to know where his elephants are. A small group of people come out from the back and mock him about it, shots from around the restaurant and the service counter imply the elephants have been killed, cooked and are being eaten right now. We see his despair as he takes this in and as the lead of the group, wearing white, knocks him down decisively a couple of times while he is still too stunned to defend himself, taunting him with the elephant Kohm's bell. At this we see Kham recollect himself with anger and determination, wrap the bell around his hand and beat down his opponent and others, pushing his way to the back of the restaurant where he finds numerous smuggled animals ready to be killed and served (and the elephant calf Kohm who is alive).

That scene had me rapt all the way through.

There is another somewhat similar scene toward the end when Kham finally finds Por Yai's skeleton mounted on display. He is overcome by this and knocked around helplessly by his roomful of opponents for several seconds. When he recovers himself he takes out his anger by methodically breaking the bones of each of them in turn, leaving behind a floor covered in people groaning in pain.

These are I suppose simple things to communicate in fight scenes (although I did not do them justice, I think), but seeing them so well executed helped me to appreciate the power such sequences are capable of having. It has definitely inspired me to think about how I might apply such craft to my own work.

I said I was not paying much attention except to scenes which especially caught my attention so unless I was watching the US cut (which edited this out among many other changes, and which seems likely at this time) that probably explains why I did not realise until looking it up on Wikipedia that one of the film's main villains is a transsexual woman played by a transsexual woman.
aesmael: (haircut)
One good thing: it turns out I never did have a couple dozen needles embedded in my right hand.

Unfortunately also means that (unrecalled) conversation with [livejournal.com profile] infinitely_late never happened, but ah well. That class didn't appreciate my genius anyway.
aesmael: (friendly)
[livejournal.com profile] soltice has been selected to be a guest on the OSNews podcast. She can be heard on episode 18 and it was very strange hearing her familiar voice in a radio sort of context. She is also on the just released episode 19 and I think will be appearing in future too. Am really still stunned by all this, a bit amazed and proud and still blinking.

Meanwhile [livejournal.com profile] lost_angelwings' post comparing the crew of Primetime Sports with the Justice League got her mentioned on the front page of their website. Primetime Sports, that is, not the Justice League who are too snooty to do more than monitor her covertly.
aesmael: (tricicat)
This past week was the first back in classes, back at industry placement after a couple of weeks on break. It was a holiday period at TAFE and they wouldn't let us continue our placement during that period because their insurance would not cover it. Fair enough.

Wednesday, gave Q a lift home. Just before she got out, warned me to expect questioning the next day at the placement. The libraries she and I have been placed at are twins, basically, part of the same overall system, closely located and having complementary collections. A lot of what we have been doing at our placements involves managing the books being transferred between each, the ones returned to the other, the ones requested by students from elsewhere. That's the scene.

One of the women who has been working where I was has since been snatched up by the location Q has been placed at, working there in the last week before we were sent on break. They were talking and Q, apparently, was asked if I were gay. The answer to that was actually no, and that I even have a fiance. Well. But moving on, she thus warned me to expect lots of gossipy questions.

I was expecting something less pleasant than what transpired. It turns out people were mostly interested to have a detail from my personal life and wanted to know more. Q and I had shared a bit of mutual culture shock at realising people of roughly our age cohort really do such things. Aaanyway.

"Why didn't you mention this before?"

"It didn't come up."

It's true. I was asked variously about broad details of [livejournal.com profile] soltice and meeting her, what she does, our plans and suchlike. I tried to mention [livejournal.com profile] pazi_ashfeather but what I said seemed to get ignored in favour of something which better fit accustomed social patterns. Considered trying to be open about other stuff too, but it's hard to find moments when those things would be at all relevant, so we didn't.

Tricky, huh? And unfair.

Is like what Q said a while back: "I think if you die in Library and Information Services, you die in real life."
aesmael: (Electric Waves)
Since recently finding some slight ability to organise my time - this is how I have been able to be cleaning - I have also been using this new-found time to catch up on things I have let get away from me. This includes email and LiveJournal comments; I stopped making a policy of checking those in March 2007, so there is a fair bit of catching up to do. I think you can imagine.

Last night I deleted 34 pages from my Hotmail inbox and have since moved on to Gmail. Why? Because there have been things I wanted to reply to but had set aside for 'later' and because I want to get rid of distracting clutter, have most available what I most want to be there.

Doing this has also stirred up a few memories. Like when my cat died in 2006, before I had met anyone I still am in contact with. Or the different styles of presentation and identity I have (and still) cycle(d) through. Right now I am up to my first, self-introductory post in [livejournal.com profile] transgender. It was surprising (fun and interesting) to see who replied and how many of those people have been or became ongoing contacts, often for reasons unrelated to that post.

[livejournal.com profile] jaydestwilight, who was regular on my flist until vanishing. Is considered something of a prototype for the artistic, mysteriously ethereal and vaguely snobbish.
[livejournal.com profile] udonman, was someone I met prior to joining LJ, the only contact I had here for about a week, and at the time we were tending to being an item. But we have nearly no contact these days.
[livejournal.com profile] ftmichael surprisingly did NOT give me a list of resources. That may have been the only direct interaction we had.
[livejournal.com profile] aki_no_kaze was someone I wanted to add for a long time after, but did not because I felt I needed to 'justify' that sort of thing.
[livejournal.com profile] kittymink. I still don't know this person.
[livejournal.com profile] xtractdthoughts. Nor this one.
[livejournal.com profile] anti_peace_riot, AKA [livejournal.com profile] varinobo. Was a mutual contact for a long while before defriending me without explanation.
[livejournal.com profile] ishottheserif. It seems we have been on hugging terms much longer than I realised. May have been the first person I gave ~public textual hugs to.
[livejournal.com profile] whimsical_esper. Someone I added for being awesome elsewhere, not realising we'd previously met!

So done I bow, and bid adieu for now.
*vanishes 'mid smoke again into the depths of history*

Busy

2008-11-25 04:24
aesmael: (tricicat)
This is a busy week for me. As well as classes, tomorrow I will be out all day for an endocrinological appointment. There will be the usual interview with the doctor to... what? Make sure my life is going okay and I am making acceptable progress in my metrics, not freaking out from HRT? Perhaps there will be measurements. Blood will be drawn. I hope not to faint this time; I will not be fasting and I will bring food with me. I will try to remember the advice I was given last time on how to remain conscious; the only part I can bring to mind now is to ask for a narrower needle. Hopefully that is not mixed up.

Fainting. That's an odd sort of thing. Perhaps I should hope I do, to have more experiences to draw from in trying to understand it. It seems a lot due to poor circulation on my part. My extremities cool easily and often when standing I find myself dizzy, with vision obscured for several seconds and needing to steady myself. It is easy to imagine this leading to fainting outright after a couple of vials of blood have been taken.

Then again, I have had a problem with needles as far back as I can remember. Childhood memories of quite a lot of crying and fear at the prospect of a vaccination, I think enough that it was decided not to proceed. I don't cry or scream when offered a needle these days, nor flee, but I do feel quite tense about it. Having fainted the last few times when attempting to move after does not help; I get anxious instead, worried about fainting again, and that probably exacerbates the situation. I am nervous now.

We will see what happens tomorrow.

On Friday I have an appointment with a psychologist. I am nervous about that too. I still want to withdraw myself from that and say I can, unassisted, manage myself. I feel like to go and ask for help would be an act of weakness, a failure.

I suspect more than a few reading this could empathise with that feeling. Some I have even advised to the contrary, that recognising a resource which could be of benefit to oneself and seeking it out is not weakness, it is strength (in the admission that something outside oneself could be beneficial in a society which demands we strive for the opposite if at all possible), it is self-care, and both of those are good things. Something I have not yet said is that if such aid were sought because of weakness on the part of the seeker, that would not be a bad thing either. If I say "I am weak and I need help" where in that is anything that I should feel ashamed or be condemned for, except that what I am is not what I am told I ought to be?

Not that simply uttering those words banishes such feelings. I do think ideas of 'strength' and 'weakness' in contexts like this (and much more broadly within society) serve mainly as misdirection pointing people at standards to measure themselves against as an arbiter of personal worth, or hurt themselves trying to meet. Far more important, I think, to recognise needs, or opportunities, or resources, and make use of them without worrying if this makes one weak or strong. And like I said at the beginning of the paragraph, this is far easier said than done. These ideas of 'strength' and 'weakness' are deeply engrained.

Well, I suppose I am weak by those standards. Though I think all persons have limits, it does not change that I found myself in a situation of facing mine. I could bear the situation I found myself in, at least for so long as I was there, but I could also see that if it grew worse it would break me at some point. Even if there were no increase of intensity, mere duration would have the same effect eventually - on two occasions how I would endure long enough for someone to come home, and only on the second occasion did I follow through on my resolution (made on both occasions) to make this appointment.

Perhaps I could endure, overcome, triumph without professional assistance. I would not attempt to guarantee this. Even if I could, I do not want to. I do not want to face such a dreadful thing alone. and that is why I made the appointment. My friends, my loved ones, they have been a tremendous help, but I do not want to rely solely on them for support. They have helped me with their support, their presence, insights which have shifted my beliefs about what is going on and how to cope with it. I am still hoping that with professional help I can avoid plunging into those particular depths again. To be honest, in the first half of this year I found myself in another situation which made me realise enough pressure would eventually see me break the vow I made to myself about suicide. And right now I am thinking I would rather face that particular hell if forced to choose between them, because it was only depression, only numbness, and pain, and eventually death. Relatively peaceful, and I wouldn't be screaming the same way[1].

That has been perhaps my theme since my psychological assessment and the argument following. Everyone breaks. They say so about torture, and it holds even if not performed by men in dark rooms with sinister implements. Under enough pressure... that sounds like an unfalsifiable claim, doesn't it? Enough. "Well I did experienced X and I did not break under that pressure." "Then clearly X was within your threshold and, had it pushed beyond, you would have." Enough. Perhaps I seek to bring everyone else down with me, say they can be no better than I - since I cannot honestly deny my own words, my actions, my thoughts - but I do believe it holds true. I think I hope it holds true too, those hopeful words "What matters is what you do after". Even if... but that is a different post.

I worry about presenting myself. Since I am not in that state of mind currently and do not expect to be on the day, how would I convey it? If I were, how would I? And how would I remember what it is I want to bring up, not only the details, but what they are at all? I have been thinking I might print out and give to her copies of my posts touching on the relevant matters as an aid. This was actually the original purpose of the post, to solicit people's opinions on the idea.

This has taken me four hours longer to write than I intended. I had better sleep now if I am to make my appointment tomorrow.

[1] Would I still think so then? I honestly suspect I would, though at least now I have perhaps greater fleetness of mind. In either case I am never entirely free of the other.
aesmael: (tricicat)
Finally managed to get back to class today. Been far too long since I made it to class and it felt good today; I have missed it.

Since I have not seen the past couple of lessons in this class I have fallen a bit behind. Catching up was hampered too by my lack of sleep lately, so for the most part I did not even try to read through the material we had been covering, only noting what it was for a more alert time. Despite this I still managed to be one of the more vocal students, and the teacher did remark that I was doing well for someone who had not been present the past couple of weeks. I still want to attend regularly but the reassurance was welcome.

It turned out class had been cancelled on Monday and I had missed being informed about this. Ah well.

In mid class break I went off with a group of other students to talk. Mostly had little to say as most of the conversation involved people settling in to their new library jobs. Toward the end of the break one of the girls asked about what I was reading, so I mentioned A Series of Unfortunate Events which is being read to [livejournal.com profile] pazi_ashfeather, plus my abortive attempt at reading The Bourne Identity. Gotta find some new print reading since a lot of what I had has been reassigned to the 'read to [livejournal.com profile] pazi_ashfeather queue and what I am reading now is... gah! Self-imposed rules. *mutters*

Anyway, this girl in my class had just been reading Harry Potter, although her current passion is Twilight, which she maintains is definitely superior. Plus she likes The Da Vinci Code and Angels and Demons. Fortunately I have not read any of those so I did not have to give my opinion on them. Was still fun to get to talk about books with someone. Apparently she is quite surprised to find herself enjoying science fiction and fantasy.

In the latter parts of the class I nearly (let's say did and be more likely true) fell asleep from tiredness. It turns out a couple of weeks ago was Q's birthday - A gave her a quite large plush Totodile, which she hopes will not eat her chocobo. And she had some local business before going home so I declined to offer her a lift home because, having just fallen asleep in class, I felt it would be wrong to risk a passenger's life as well as my own coming home.

Now here I am.
aesmael: (tricicat)
Last night I was up late working on my next project, tSOW, and did not sleep until six hours after I had intended to. Exciting progress but it meant I slept much later than I intended to and missed many of the hours I hoped to have for a date with [livejournal.com profile] pazi_ashfeather.

I felt lousy about that but we still had a few hours together before she needed to sleep and we even got to talk via Skype, although I had better sleep soon if I am to make our postponed date tomorrow. During our conversation I discovered I did not need my headset at all, which was very freeing.

Also did a bit of work reassembling an old desktop pc for one of my projects, which went well until I discovered the power cord for the monitor seems to be missing. Hopefully I can find that soon or borrow another to replace it.

Most happily, I finally got to begin reading the second Series of Unfortunate Events book to her, The Reptile Room. I greatly enjoy reading to people and it made me quite happy to do this. She has offered that we could read to each other on our date. I hope we keep this up with some frequency this time.

As is the habit these days, there was writing later, with a bit of a very happy interruption when I got to call [livejournal.com profile] soltice on Skype too. We have not talked like that in far too long. The writing went unexpectedly well and I find myself in a position I have not been in before. Plus I get to talk to [livejournal.com profile] coniferous_you about writing, which does not happen often enough.

After an initial panic, today became a good day.
aesmael: (writing things down)
This has been a busy sort of week. Last week I took steps to increase my organisation, mostly by marking my intentions on my calendar. I assigned myself two hours of writing each day until the end of November, at which point I intend to evaluate how well this has worked. Two days of the week were set aside to complete the diary for my industry placement so it can be submitted at the beginning of the semester.

For a while now one of my goals has been to set up a media server for the household. Two days of the week were marked for this, and the previous Saturday for torrenting Mythbuntu to run it with.

Sunday
Writing was scheduled for 1000. Got pushed back to 2000 due to various other activities but went well once I started. 610 new words, wow. I love days when I get to write Crangil speaking. About 260 of those words are his, so delightfully absurd and disturbingly easy to turn out. Even without Crangil's contribution this was one of the most productive years I have had all year. Bit later than I would have liked, so not as much time to do other things I wanted to do. One thing I am concerned about is, knowing I am supposed to be writing the next day too, I find myself tempted to stop early in order to ensure having something to write about tomorrow. Did not do this today.

Monday
Personal interruption. Psychological evaluation, followed by family argument. No heart for writing.

Tuesday
Personal interruption. No writing, no work on media server.

Wednesday
Personal interruption. 22 words of writing for Epic Fantasy, no work on media server. Feeling a bit of a failure, reassigned computer work for next week.

Thursday
Personal interruption. No writing, no work done for next week's class.

Friday
Personal interruption. No writing, no work done for next week's class. Plans for work on hair cancelled in fear.

Saturday
Today Two days ago. Feeling better through the week, disappointed in myself for having so thoroughly wasted it. Increasingly anxious with the weight of everything undone, trying to recover and catch up. At least I made a friend this week.

Some minor work on the Voyager project. Some work on the potential NaNoWriMo project for this year. The project has a tentative name now, but I need to do some (minor) background work before it would be ready for actually writing at such a headlong pace. Still intend to finish the first draft of Epic Fantasy before putting pen to any other story.

I suppose despite the early crash and lack of productivity this was overall a good week. I made a new friend ([livejournal.com profile] allieflowlight) and got back in touch with an old friend ([livejournal.com profile] coniferous_you). And there was some writing. Writing is good.
aesmael: (sudden sailor)
(5:45:48 AM) Ele: I think the truest answer is that poetry is about exploding form and exploring sound to arrive at a meaning that is the truest possible iteration of what is inside your head.
aesmael: (tricicat)
for the northern hemisphere, samhain -- more widely known as halloween -- is the end of this month. please, for the love of all things Holy, if you have a black cat -- do your best to curtail your cat's outdoor activities during that week, and a few days after. there are still people out there who will harm these innocent creatures during this time of year simply because of the color of their fur, due to certain beliefs about black cats.

in my lifetime, i have had a few black cats leave the house as normal during this time of year, as samhain draws close.... and never come home again. protect your pet and (arguably) the cutest member of your family - keep your black cat indoors around samhain.

also, please be aware that many animal shelters WILL NOT let anyone adopt a black cat during the week of (and in some cases also the week after) samhain.

in memory of Mystery


-- --
aesmael: (transformation)
(5:29:21 AM) Pazi AshFeather: It is okay, dear. One day the human race will go extinct, or be radically altered in some fashion, and then we will not have government idiocy.
(5:29:44 AM) Tricia AshFeather: :)
(5:29:52 AM) Tricia AshFeather: You always know how to cheer me up.
aesmael: (transformation)
(17:28:35) Pazi: Slow down hon.
(17:28:49) Pazi: What's going on?
(17:29:07) Trice: Um, thing.
aesmael: (transformation)
Ghostly spirit,
moving on strange curves through unknown space.
Sometimes crossing sometimes passing,
sometimes sparking sometimes lighting.

* * *

Things unseen grow in
to branching crystal shapes.
They flower, blossom and bloom.
They flutter and fly.

Sometimes aided by
unexpected cross-time-wound
meetings passing by.


Thank you. =^.^=
aesmael: (transformation)
This is a comment I made in reply to a post of [livejournal.com profile] gentle_gamer's. It happened because I was having difficulty writing the reply I originally wanted to make and started thinking about why. This was hard too, but at least I knew roughly what I was trying to say.

"It is a mess in here. Someone needs to do some cleaning."

I have been struggling to write a reply to this post. Trying to put together words to say something. Doing this, something which might be a realisation happened.

Possibly I am not as good at talking - communicating - as I think I am. It is very difficult for me to say things directly. Gaps in typing this for apparently unnecessary reasons, to tap on the keyboard or look around or retreat inside for various lengths of time, often when the next thing to type is known or is classed as 'should not be difficult to find'. The previous sentence is not what I was trying to say, although it is reflective of it[1].

What I mean is, attempting to communicate directly with someone is very difficult for me. Most of the time I spin words together, poetic flights and allusions which hopefully carry implicitly what I mean, although since so often they are misunderstood this is doubted. The possible realisation is that much of my communication is pulled from a sort of library which is then assembled in a way which seeks to approach or reference the intention behind my communication but does not often match it. So I do this, which is like the 'classic' idea of aspie-type people compositing speech from television, radio, etc., albeit in a non-standard way and trying to... not do it, to speak in a direct manner, is far more difficult. Often that fails and I end up talking about what I want to say, instead ("I want to say how wonderful the colours in this painting are" vs. "The colours in this painting are wonderful").

This comment is another example, in which successive iterations of a communication attempt are made and refined. I hope this comment will be understandable to people but I cannot really tell; I am not actually sure I am typing English words rather than some other arrangement of letters (but I think I am).

At some point in the past I think you told me I was speaking too fast for you to follow well. If I were doing this I would be very slow indeed, but it would be nice for that to not be a problem.

I want to write about this and place considerations of it and other aspie/autie type things on my journal, but do not know how. Perhaps reposting this comment will help.

[1]as something allusive of what I am trying to say but not actually holding that meaning. The previous sentence was postponed due to being considered nonsensical in original context.


I think this is not always true*, but I think it is also true far more often than I have been realising.

*'true' here meaning something like 'an accurate description of my functioning'
aesmael: (tricicat)
By [livejournal.com profile] aepalizage, originally posted locked at a denizen's entertainment, reposted with permission.

Folklore of the Bees )
aesmael: (friendly)
[05:35] Jayde: At least Lucas did not have the Death Star turn out to be Unicron.
[05:35] Jayde: Although that may have been awesome.
[05:36] ami_angelwings: that WOULD be awesome
[05:36] ami_angelwings: XD
[05:36] ami_angelwings: unicron is basically vader mixed with the death star tho
[05:37] Jayde: So what you are saying is we should have Vader fuse with the Death Star and transform into a giant sith robot?
[05:37] ami_angelwings: yus
[05:37] ami_angelwings: :D
aesmael: (writing things down)
Written by a writerly friend of mine, click here.

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