aesmael: (friendly)
2017-09-18 09:15 pm

Twice in a Lifetime

 Of course I ended up going to bed shortly after finishing that last journal entry without having posted it anywhere. A lag time of at least a day seems currently endemic. Did end up staying home. Even managed to get docted - got some advice (rest, lots of fluids, don't fill this antibiotic prescription unless certain conditions are met), and a note of incapacity to work for today and tomorrow.

Am feeling a bit better. Feeling like resting today and tomorrow will give me a good chance of not over-exerting myself on Wednesday, which is normally only a light day at work anyway. Feeling like I've been sick a lot this year, or much more than is usual for me. Worried this is a foreboding sign and hoping it not to be.

But for tonight I think I can do some simple things. Revise liner notes maybe, or back up files from this computer, or write some character speeches for Pathfinder, or make yet another attempt at finishing the frequently interrupted Scrivener tutorial.

Right now I'm watching this video of a talk on interactive fiction by Emily Short which is inspiring the desire to add yet another layer to my never-quite-started THC project. Television series, Pathfinder module, ... text adventure?  That one at least we shan't be starting tonight. Laptop is in big need of replacing and I've been telling myself not to try any IF stuff until after that's taken care. Not because interactive fiction is so demanding on the hardware (is it?) but to keep myself from taking on too much at once and then feeling like a failure when that inevitably collapses on me.

aesmael: (sexy)
2017-09-18 07:54 pm
Entry tags:

(no subject)

 Sick today and yesterday. Not much energy for doing or thinking. Currently looking like I'll have to take tomorrow off work and maybe more but we shall see how it turns out.
 
Always, always. "We shall see".
 
Haven't made any project progress since that last post but at least I can try and do some journalling here. This isn't one of the goals I put on those cards but I would like to make this into a habit. Wanted to make those other activities into habits too, which is why it's especially annoying to come down with a cold or whatever and get knocked out of being able to focus.
 
Did get to play a little bit of go today and a little bit of reading, so that was good. And yesterday some exciting discussion about a roguelike game idea, which it will probably take me years before I'm able to do anything like putting together. But a goal's a goal right?
 
And now I better get to bed because either I need to be up earlier for work in the morning or I'm sick and need lots of rest.
aesmael: (tricicat)
2017-09-16 06:02 pm

Meanwhile

 Yesterday I bought a packet of index cards to write projects on. The idea is that when I have some free time, I look through those cards and pick out something appealing to work on, including leisure activities like reading a book. Often I have difficulty deciding what to do, or remembering what I can do, and I'm hoping this will help me to do more things I want to do.
 
Today's big winner is cleaning up my living space. I've cleared out a path on the floor and pulled out some clothes I don't wear and other items to dispose of (for example: boxes things were shipped or purchased in). Feels like an accomplishment but also depression or something like it is nipping at my shadows, so it is difficult not to feel also hollow.
 
Another project which has been catching my attention lately is the cataloguing of my music collection and transcribing the liner notes, so that when I travel I can still have that information with me. It also gives me a push to actually read those and maybe learn something from them. Currently I have a suite of edits pending on Musicbrainz for one of the albums early on - your hundred best Piano Tunes IV - and while I'm waiting for those edits to go through I've jumped ahead a few to where the liner notes project has been laying fallow. That's partway through transcibing the booklet for The Beatles Anthology 1, the first really substantial booklet from my collection. Only one other has had more than a page of information with it, and that's the aforementioned album of piano music. Now I'm reading through the Beatles booklet to try and understand the formatting decisions of past-me, and whether I endorse them.
 
I had hoped to have the Pathfinder game started by the 23rd, which corresponds to the in-game date on which the Rise of the Runelords campaign begins, but that is looking less likely. Some players have dropped out and I haven't been able to get character sheets from any of the others. Telling myself not to worry about that because if it does work and we can play, that will be worth more than any arbitrary deadline or calendar synchronicity. And I should work at getting more encounters and NPCs prepared in advance too. For now, looking like 2 or 3 players.
aesmael: (me-pangolin)
2017-08-05 09:45 am
Entry tags:

Nothing

Haven't written anything here all week. Too much going on. Too much uncertain.

Am I dumped? Not dumped? Am I moving to Canada, the USA, Europe? Staying here? Right now it looks like Canada is the place that will be attempted, although I rather expect that will fail. My professional accomplishments indicate I can work well and stably enough but I find it hard to believe anyone would want me. Surely they'd want more of an economic star.

However I feel about the USA, I doubt that's any longer an option either. Who would want to be, functionally, a backup choice? And atop my prior concerns about fragile financial security and punitive healthcare system, it seems increasingly as if the USA does not want me. Recent political developments there are frightening and lead me to fear for the wellbeing of everyone I know over there. Although, the rise in xenophobia at least is consistent across the English-speaking world. That last makes me worry migration is being effectively phased out.

What's gnawing at me is the realisation I won't get to share my life with everyone I made that commitment to. I have to choose between people I love, effectively have chosen. People will think there's something wrong with me for not having realised this. And despite having told one that Canada was on the cards with the others, I managed not to say that had become increasingly definite.. That's really bad.

I've managed to make bad mistakes at every turn and hurt the people I care about most. Typical for me, but still wrong and not to be let go.

It isn't going to work out. My feeling is that love may last but not relationships. I'm going to end up still here, alone, and I don't think I will find anyone else to love again. That's probably for the best. We're lucky to have made it this far, even if the last half of the decade we had were increasingly distant and painful.

You know what? This has all been doomed since at least 2012. I've just been too cowardly to face it and make a choice. Even if that would have just accelerated the end of everything.
aesmael: (probably quantum)
2017-07-30 08:18 pm
Entry tags:

Desperation

I need to write something. That's a small determination within my power. I believe it is? Even though I'm putting a lot of my personal-time energy into getting to grips with Pathfinder and making that game happen I should be able to spare at least some time this week to compose words. That doesn't seem like too much to ask of myself. Next weekend, a week from now, I want to be able to say I've written some fiction. Even if it is only a handful of words. Even if they get deleted or replaced the very next time I open a writing implement.

Otherwise, what am I? Just someone who "wants to" and never "does". I need to do something and to feel that I am doing something.
aesmael: (pangolin-me)
2017-07-30 07:53 pm

Nothing else

A

Bleak feeling today tied in part to a lack of creative activity and that whatever I did make would be worthless even so. Can I and should I break free of current habits and cycles to do more? The answer is a resounding maybe.

And a partly envy of other persons who have people to spend time with in person, who seem to have fun and do things they enjoy midst even terror and a bleak desperation to survive.

B

Love is hard, and painful, and demands sacrifice.

What am I willing to give up? Not a damn thing. But I'm quiet and obliging and people think I'm worth it and without that commitment and taking risk there will inevitably come hurt run up against the sharp edges of the world. That would happen anyway but without giving something up, without fiercely and wholly how could we hope to overcome?

I'm never going to be fit for a serious relationship while I'm still this person.

aesmael: (haircut)
2017-07-29 04:10 pm
Entry tags:

*shakes fist at cloud*

Why is it dreamwidth's mood list never has just the right one? Where's my bleak, where's my lost?

Give me back my feelings, blogsite!
aesmael: (tricicat)
2017-07-29 04:06 pm

Only a week late

arly in the week a girl (probably early high school but maybe late primary school) asked for help finding varied sources to site for her assignment about the solar system and that was fun. She's asked a similar question about different schoolwork months back and it is not often I get asked to deploy that much educational assistance on a topic.

Also interesting getting asked for help about a topic I've been relatively expert on when the appropriate response is not to display that - even if I had my peak knowledge on that subject it wouldn't have been helpful to her to display that. What she actually needed was for me to show her stuff like how to use library website database access to find stuff like Scientific American articles, and the astronomy section on the junior non-fiction shelves.

This got brought back to mind seeing a tweet by Mike Brown pointing to some new research on planetary system evolution. Felt good to read about that and to be excited again, despite that I probably will never be able to claim that expertise.


Mouth has been hurting again recently, despite having got another filling. Had strongly hoped that would resolve the matter for months if not years but it looks like I will be needing that root canal. Minor but persistent pain, so I put up with it last week through electrolysis. Pain got worse on Sunday, but nothing I couldn't handle with the painkiller regiment my dentist had recommended while treating me for an infection in this area a few weeks ago.

Called up on Tuesday (Sunday they weren't open and Monday I was at work during bankers' hours) to make an appointment. Disappointed to learn they had no spaces left this week, but I got a spot to have that root canal done on Thursday next week (2017-07-27). Of course by Thursday this week it decided to ramp up again so that even with painkillers in full effect I wasn't able to function through it.

This morning: went to dentist's office, got appointment moved to Monday, requested prescription for a stronger painkiller for the meanwhile. Got recommended a slightly stronger over-the-counter painkiller instead. Hoping that will be enough. Only three days now instead of another week. I really don't want this procedure done, am dreading it, but it is clearly not feasible for me to refrain.

Perhaps this is to a degree my fault - might have gotten the cavity seen to when I first noticed there was a problem, and maybe it wouldn't have reached so deeply that I'm needing to have the nerve itself removed if only I'd taken some time to decline additional shifts and got it looked at back in summer or early autumn. Maybe then it could have been caught before it so deep. Instead I thought I didn't need to stake time out to care for myself, that I could rely on gaps in the flow of time requested of me by the library

aesmael: (pangolin-me)
2017-07-24 04:22 pm

Up and down

=== Ambiguity from 2017-07-13 ===


One of those days where I have a shift at the library starting from 17:00, so the whole day takes place in its shadow. Nonetheless I managed to achieve many of the goals I'd set for myself today. Mostly, preparation for that Pathfinder game I keep talking about.

First of all, how easily I can get maps or other handout type pictures from the adventure PDFs. Turns out to be quite easy - just about as simple as right click -> save image. Editing in layers to do some simple 'fog of war' effect seems rather straightforward in GNU Image Manipulation Program so it should be fairly quick to unveil and reupload as the players explore new areas of the dungeon or other space.

Have not solved: anything for creature tokens or player avatars, which may need an adjustment of map scale to make those legible and practical.

Meanwhile at work feeling lazy, too unfocused and distracted. Wondering whether I can maintain focus in my life overall - do work at work, do fun and personal project stuff at home. This is a constant refrain and little likely to come of it, but we keep trying. And keep on feeling like cutting down on social media will open space for "actually doing" things. But it is so useful for the little gaps with nothing else and anyway... a sigh.
aesmael: (me-pangolin)
2017-07-23 08:27 pm
Entry tags:

Old habits, long gone


=== A Lament From 2017-07-11 ===


Even though I'm glad not to be the weekend supervisor any more, and especially to be taking fewer shifts at the library in general (now, if only that would translate into "living my time off in a way I feel happier with") I'm still feeling frustrated at not breaking them of all their bad habits before my time was up. Mostly this bugs me because it's me who works Monday mornings and has to clean up after any errors - they're not major problems but it still causes me a bit of extra work every week and tweaks my sense of "this is not proper". Currently the weekend staff is 3 new people (as in hired since May), 1 casual on Saturdays, and 1 long-term person on Sundays. Normally there would be one of the weekday full-time librarians on Saturdays but she is currently filling in as the head of circulation for another 3 months. So, a lot of opportunity for this stuff to get embedded and harder to shake.

On the bright side, yesterday and today involved meeting and training two of the newest casual hires. Working on being available and informative and keeping an eye on what they are doing, while also showing trust and confidence and not being overbearing, and being clear about the distinction between library policy and my preferred implementation of same. Little bit kicking myself for forgetting to update one today that library patron PINs don't actually have to be numbers. Maybe remember next time we work together.

Anyway: trying to be helpful and supportive, not hurtful, useless or assuming incompetence. We'll probably be working together semi-frequently, so I hope I like them and get along with them.

Feeling conflicted about stuff like: part of my role being stuff like telling kids to stop running around the library. Kids need space to be kids, rather than teaching them to suppress themselves. And spaces that are child-unfriendly also end up being de facto woman-unfriendly so long as the childrearing and childcare burdens fall disprorportionately on women. Plus the folk who complain about children in the library tend to get on my nerves and inspire me to feel vindictive toward them. But, times when there are many boisterous kids in the library do tend to give me sensory overload and headaches, and I'm sure I'm not the only person who is negatively by this - it surely makes using the library for intended purposes like work, reading and study more difficult. So I feel conflicted.

Luckily I'm not very good at it, and they tend not to stop running or playing Counterstrike quietly for very long?

Home stuff! Today a pair of socks I ordered arrived, long socks in asexual pride colours (black/grey/white/purple). Was pretty excited, and if they wear well I want to order some more in other patterns, especially since many of my socks are getting holes in their toes. After opening the package, showed them to my mother (didn't say the colours represented anything, just that I got new socks). All she had to say was to tell me not to wear them to work and that they're unprofessional.

That's really upsetting. It would be great if she were ever happy or complimentary for me about anything. The only thing I can remember her being congratulatory about was when I got hired from casual to permanent part-time, and that was an act of self-defence because whoever got my current job would be taking the hours I normally worked as a casual, and leaving me with sharply reduced income.

She doesn't show that she's happy for me, pretty much ever. Any time I try and talk to her it turns into her issuing orders and telling me to change, to be or do less, or what not to do - find doctors closer to home, find work closer to home, don't go places, don't buy your own groceries, and so on and on.

Can't she ever be happy for me? I'm aching for someone to share my excitements with, and sharing a home with someone who redirects every communication into a not good enough or an act of racism is poisonous[1].

[1] Latest example: on the weekend I told her I was watching the Games Done Quick stream, which is a charitable event raising money for Médecins Sans Frontières, and her response was to grumble about how awful it is those countries don't look after their own people. Gotta find a way to be negative everywhere, hey?

aesmael: (pangoself)
2017-07-10 10:04 pm
Entry tags:

Two pieces a week apart

=== Monday ===

Maybe yesterday's post should have been split in two, to separate out the game talk from the workplace whining. In follow-up to that, it seems the person I was filling in for on Saturday is currently hospitalised. I won't write out my speculations as to why, but I hope she will soon be in good health.

Latest surly rescue-cat is being sick at the moment. Has apparently been vomiting quite a bit. Checking on occasionally for status but mostly when I'm around is just sleeping and keeping to self. Cat's been named Lilly by family (I tend to say Lillith) and hopefully will feel better soon. And not pass on whatever it is to the other cats, who at least are still avoiding em.

Trying to redirect my energy more into doing what I want (projects and fun activities) and journalling, and less into social media. It's difficult. There is a lot of inertial habit to overcome and the blank moments. Especially the gaps between, when there just isn't enough time for me to work on anything at all big.


=== Sunday ===

This is about the time of night where I start to berate myself for wasting the day and my life. I should remember that my goal for the day was to do something creative, and last night I defined playing + streaming Zork as counting for that purpose. And I managed to do that! - [the recording can be found here ""https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kdVQGyphFz8""]. Plus I made a slightly fancy dinner. Anything more complicated than microwaving or sandwich feels like victory there. And I'm writing this, and I played some Go,

So, today has been a good day? Good company and good times with, and accomplished some things that are goals, even if small. Reminding myself of this helps to feel better.

aesmael: (pangoself)
2017-07-02 09:13 pm
Entry tags:

And now the weekend

Solitude brings memory and memory brings pain. Today, as has happened before, feeling that so much time has been lost to seeking stimulus, suppressing thought so as not to face hurt, and this must change. Yet, this revolution will not happen. The way of things will persist.

Today at work - an unexpected shift, called at last minute to cover the afternoon - whenever I got moments to myself away from colleagues and from patrons I found myself fighting off sobbing. Maybe this was better than if I had stayed home.

I'm doing a lot of missing, heartsick, not knowing where I stand or what the future might be now. Maybe I don't want to know.

What I've got to do is build the best I can for me, and if I'm lucky find a hoped-for future. If not, at least I will have something?

Keep forgetting to say that I have recently finished a six week stint as the acting weekend supervisor at the library. That position has been varying degrees of vacant for nearly a year ago, when the previous occupant got promoted to fill the role of my previous supervisor, who'd been pushed out by the municipal council. Originally applied for it back in July, was interviewed but didn't get it. Then after that person's term another part-timer was appointed, who for the sake of not giving out names but having referents I will refer to as my rival.

One of the existing weekend staff quit over that, finding it a last straw out of many issues she'd had - she did declare a few times the position ought to have been given to me, but she had plenty of other cause. But, this rival of mine had been working. Anyway, that was a temporary appointment while the library was advertising for someone to fill the role permanently instead of temporarily.

Got interviewed for it but again was not hired. The library picked someone else, who then found a better job and bailed before starting. Then I was asked to fill in as the acting weekend supervisor while the job was re-advertised - rival had left for a better job elsewhere, which I hadn't got my application in on time. That was a real big downer, knowing I was not even third choice for the job and even though management had encouraged me to apply they were explicit about not believing I had the experience. Co-workers were encouraging, however, and kept saying they trust me and I ought to have the job permanently. I worry that just means I'm easy to get around.

Obviously I didn't bother applying for a third time. I just tried my best to do well for the six weeks I had and, since I was being paid at a higher hourly rate for the duration, pick up as many extra shfits as I could. It was a bit of a kick in the gut tho that despite having gotten a full-time, much better paying job elsewhere the rival stayed on as a casual employee to work Saturdays, and both she and first fill-in continued to act as if they were in charge and assigning tasks to other staff. Plus, the former weekend supervisor, now all the way up to acting manager of the entire weekend, came in a couple of weekends and spent an hour or two socialising with the rival, scarcely acknowledging my existence (think I got about a sentence each time).

If this all sounds sulky and resentful I guess it is. Of course, I haven't done anything to earn respect and obedience but at least I got some extra cash out of them and some experience I can put on my CV for future jobs. As much as the rest stung me, that was my goal achieved and now I'm trying to drop right down on taking any additional shifts, to just focus on what I'm hired for and keep the rest of the week for living the best life someone like me can manage.

Still, as disruptive as it was (and I hope this does not recur - I'm no longer on a list for last-minute calls) it was nice to be called in for the Saturday afternoon by the outsider who ultimately did get the weekend supervisor job, and to be relied on. Most of the staff were new, so got to put all that obnoxious brain-wiring that maps work related layouts and protocols to use. It was nice being counted on, being trusted as reliable and authoritative, and I wish I could get that elsewhere in my life.

That's an ongoing struggle and not anything I'm anywhere close to resolving.


On the brighter side of things, the Pathfinder books I ordered have all arrived. The Rise of the Runelords adventure path arrived a week or two earlier so I've had time to go over the first chapter and I guess technically got enough info to start running it already. But I'm worried and wanting to make sure I'm prepared to do my best, so want to first go over resource books offering guidance in running campaigns.

And need to sort out how to go about actually running the thing and any aids to work with. Tess suggests a Discord or Slack server, which should be straightforward enough to accommodate a dynamic flow of play according to how many players are around at a time and how much engagement they have available. But I should sort something out for maps and character tokens, and a more dynamic way of doing digital character sheets than scanning and printing character sheets.

Therefore, the two things I should do are: i) get on with that reading, ii) put some effort into learning about tools which suit my needs, and iii) sorting out players and expectations and doing any teaching how to play which needs doing.

Still, I wrote this. It took a day longer but I wanted to write it and I did. That's moving in the right direction.

aesmael: (nervous)
2017-07-02 03:10 pm

An aspiration of fun

Note: The following was typed on 2017-06-15

For a long while I've been kicking around the idea of running a Star Wars sequel role-playing campaign using the Pathfinder ruleset and based on a story idea by Ami. Naturally I'd been referring to it as Starfinder until Paizo went and announced a game of that same name which at least should make a more convenient platform for actually playing it out.

And especially lately I've been on enough of an RPG kick to take steps toward actually getting a group together and playing a game. Although not having really played a role-playing game before I'm wanting to try running some published adventures before diving into writing my own story-based campaign.

But I do have some pages of ideas for structuring that Star Wars game over a few seasons of play. And even if intending to use the Starfinder rules to run it means I can't really fully write up adventures for it until those rules are published and available for play, that doesn't mean I can't expand on those notes and craft a skeleton of where it could go and what they might do, who they might meet. In fact I think I ought to do so.

That will make something to work on. And meanwhile I can read up on advice for running and constructing RPG campaigns, and continue trying to organise that group for the Pathfinder Rise of the Runelords adventure path. Mostly want to have fun, and these sorts of games are something I've been interested in most of my life.

2017-06-30 07:02 pm

Longing, whispers, and wishes

Today has been very rough, emotionally, in ways I have dreaded and tried to run from. More than once I have worried about drawing attention by the visible signs of being knocked about.

Somehow, maybe, it turned out okay? Or not okay. Lights shone and conversations had and maybe the outcome is for the better. Maybe, I'm not sure, the outcome is acknowledging what already was.

And sometimes I feel like things are better now, and sometimes I get bowled over again and sobbing. And I don't know what the future will be like. But I have hopes, blended with melancholia.
aesmael: (probably quantum)
2017-06-04 08:37 pm
Entry tags:

Finding what we can where we can

On my drive home tonight I was listening to an episode of ABC Radio's All in the Mind program, an episode called "Placenta Brain: the cognitive burden of pregnancy?". Amid all the talk of whether being pregnant induces cognitive impairment[1], this exchange struck me as relevant from an autistic perspective.

Mary Ann Stark: We all use both voluntary and involuntary attention and the involuntary attention - or what we call fascination - is where you can't help but be attracted to a certain stimuli. For example, thunder and lightening are something that we all just pause and stop, it's fascinating. Then there's another type of attention that's called directed attention, is what I've chosen to call it, and so have some others such as Kaplan and Semprich - but the directed attention is the kind of attention that really requires effort. That's what we have to use to listen carefully, as someone's explaining directions to us.

Abbie Thomas: It's like when I'm trying to sort of tell my husband about what we're doing on the weekend, he has to really concentrate and block out the fact that he wants to go and so some model railway work.

Mary Ann Stark: Or you know a football game on TV might be a little bit more interesting too and more fascinating. But you do use both of those types of attention and their appropriate at different times for different reasons. But what happens especially in our very fast paced lives is we tend to use directed attention a lot. We use it consistently and it's one of those things that because we're blocking out the distractions around us requires a lot of effort. And if we continually use it, it tends to fatigue. Well one of the ways that you can kind of give directed attention a break is to just do the things that are fascinating and that's what nature does. It allows us opportunities to just become fascinated with what's going on around us, and then when we have to use that directed attention again we're a little bit more refreshed and restored, so that we can block out the distractions that we need to block out in order to continue driving and following the map or whatever the example is we might use.

[1] The conclusion I took from the episode is that this effect may be an illusion brought on by stereotyped expectation, along with possibly the amplified load of trying to continue living while also preparing large life changes. But that is more or less what I expected to be the case going in, and biases being confirmed merits some suspicion.

2017-02-23 07:44 pm

This is a test subject line

This is a test post!


... if you're seeing this, the LogJam LJ client is functioning and I haven't managed to make it stop.
aesmael: (nervous)
2016-12-19 09:59 pm
Entry tags:

A dotdate???

 

Keep starting rambling journal entries with the intention of posting them, and they keep getting away or being abandoned for having lost relevance. Before this one suffers the same fate, as it is in strong danger of, I shall morph it into a bullet point list of what is going on in my life currently.

  • The government is trying to balance the budget by clawing back money from welfare recipients, so they contacted me to the effect of claiming I owe them more than $900 from 2012.

  • Filed an appeal – luckily I had all my payslips still – but since that information is in my favour rather than theirs they're taking a couple of weeks to get back to me, instead of instantaneous like before.

  • Done so badly at university this year they're kicking me out.

  • Filed an appeal on that too, and also waiting on the response.

  • Gathering information for that appeal meant collecting psych assessments my GP had been holding onto from several years back, and reading those was so distressing it nearly rendered me too non-functional to actually attach them and lodge the appeal

  • Plus it wasn't fun getting the vibe from my GP when I explained the situation, though he didn't say so, “you're a bit childish and TBH you deserve this”

  • I wasn't kidding in what I wrote in that appeal about struggling at work. Feels like I'm reaching or have reached limits of what I can balance and focus. Which might be okay if it paid me enough to support myself on.

  • Car's cost me $900 in repairs over the past week, and I'm passing on another $1500+ that it needs in favour of admitting it really does need to be replaced, although this will cost even more.

  • I just can't get out of here soon enough to feel comfortable taking the risk.

  • The book I'm reading is good though.

  • I'm scared, always. Still trying not to let myself think, to keep that at bay.

  • I hope

aesmael: (writing things down)
2016-11-09 08:00 pm

(no subject)

 Misting rain smudges trees and grass, bringing solitary grey to their greens and yellows. Faintly from ceiling above, thunder promises more to come.
aesmael: (nervous)
2016-11-03 08:18 pm
Entry tags:

Undoing

 Been cleaning up my living space the past few weeks and feeling proud of the progress I've made, though I'm a long way yet from being finished. Would share Before and In Progress photos except for not having a working phone at present and consequently no working camera.

Accumulated a lifetime (so far) of detritus and wanting to clean that out and simplify, plus the added mess and trash that comes from being just plain bad at looking after myself. The goal of being easily and cheaply relocatable is probably entirely out of reach, as lacking foresight I've accumulated too many books for that and refuse to part with many. I will get as close as I can.

There is so much I can probably do without, and nearly as much I won't miss if it's gone, if I can persuade myself to be rid of it.

Looking forward to feeling less trapped.
 
aesmael: (writing things down)
2016-11-03 08:45 am

Preoccupations

 Grief and getting over people are on my mind recently. When people die, or are lost from your life, our culture hasn't given me much to get to grips with that but time.
 
Time helps but I do not think it is a complete answer. There must be techniques for processing absences in ways healthier than others. Coming to terms with non-existence, accepting lost possibilities. Having memories + associations good and bad without being undone by them. Self-directed guilt and blame about feelings and their performance.
 
Maybe there really is no such thing, or my understanding so lacking I don't even comprehend what I am talking about. Of course we could always add more time but that is going to happen anyway until I die.
 
Our stories say there are healthy and unhealthy ways of dealing with loss and continuing in our lives. But so far I can't recall actual substantive advice about how to distinguish or switch between.
 
"Talk things out", "think of good times instead of bad" or "lots of people react like that, it doesn't mean you're a bad person" are probably good seeds but they are neither trees nor orchards. I want to know about the soil, the sunlight, the water and fertiliser. What creatures devour the roots and which are here to frolic or nibble peaceably?