aesmael: (pangolin-me)
=== Ambiguity from 2017-07-13 ===


One of those days where I have a shift at the library starting from 17:00, so the whole day takes place in its shadow. Nonetheless I managed to achieve many of the goals I'd set for myself today. Mostly, preparation for that Pathfinder game I keep talking about.

First of all, how easily I can get maps or other handout type pictures from the adventure PDFs. Turns out to be quite easy - just about as simple as right click -> save image. Editing in layers to do some simple 'fog of war' effect seems rather straightforward in GNU Image Manipulation Program so it should be fairly quick to unveil and reupload as the players explore new areas of the dungeon or other space.

Have not solved: anything for creature tokens or player avatars, which may need an adjustment of map scale to make those legible and practical.

Meanwhile at work feeling lazy, too unfocused and distracted. Wondering whether I can maintain focus in my life overall - do work at work, do fun and personal project stuff at home. This is a constant refrain and little likely to come of it, but we keep trying. And keep on feeling like cutting down on social media will open space for "actually doing" things. But it is so useful for the little gaps with nothing else and anyway... a sigh.
aesmael: (me-pangolin)


=== A Lament From 2017-07-11 ===


Even though I'm glad not to be the weekend supervisor any more, and especially to be taking fewer shifts at the library in general (now, if only that would translate into "living my time off in a way I feel happier with") I'm still feeling frustrated at not breaking them of all their bad habits before my time was up. Mostly this bugs me because it's me who works Monday mornings and has to clean up after any errors - they're not major problems but it still causes me a bit of extra work every week and tweaks my sense of "this is not proper". Currently the weekend staff is 3 new people (as in hired since May), 1 casual on Saturdays, and 1 long-term person on Sundays. Normally there would be one of the weekday full-time librarians on Saturdays but she is currently filling in as the head of circulation for another 3 months. So, a lot of opportunity for this stuff to get embedded and harder to shake.

On the bright side, yesterday and today involved meeting and training two of the newest casual hires. Working on being available and informative and keeping an eye on what they are doing, while also showing trust and confidence and not being overbearing, and being clear about the distinction between library policy and my preferred implementation of same. Little bit kicking myself for forgetting to update one today that library patron PINs don't actually have to be numbers. Maybe remember next time we work together.

Anyway: trying to be helpful and supportive, not hurtful, useless or assuming incompetence. We'll probably be working together semi-frequently, so I hope I like them and get along with them.

Feeling conflicted about stuff like: part of my role being stuff like telling kids to stop running around the library. Kids need space to be kids, rather than teaching them to suppress themselves. And spaces that are child-unfriendly also end up being de facto woman-unfriendly so long as the childrearing and childcare burdens fall disprorportionately on women. Plus the folk who complain about children in the library tend to get on my nerves and inspire me to feel vindictive toward them. But, times when there are many boisterous kids in the library do tend to give me sensory overload and headaches, and I'm sure I'm not the only person who is negatively by this - it surely makes using the library for intended purposes like work, reading and study more difficult. So I feel conflicted.

Luckily I'm not very good at it, and they tend not to stop running or playing Counterstrike quietly for very long?

Home stuff! Today a pair of socks I ordered arrived, long socks in asexual pride colours (black/grey/white/purple). Was pretty excited, and if they wear well I want to order some more in other patterns, especially since many of my socks are getting holes in their toes. After opening the package, showed them to my mother (didn't say the colours represented anything, just that I got new socks). All she had to say was to tell me not to wear them to work and that they're unprofessional.

That's really upsetting. It would be great if she were ever happy or complimentary for me about anything. The only thing I can remember her being congratulatory about was when I got hired from casual to permanent part-time, and that was an act of self-defence because whoever got my current job would be taking the hours I normally worked as a casual, and leaving me with sharply reduced income.

She doesn't show that she's happy for me, pretty much ever. Any time I try and talk to her it turns into her issuing orders and telling me to change, to be or do less, or what not to do - find doctors closer to home, find work closer to home, don't go places, don't buy your own groceries, and so on and on.

Can't she ever be happy for me? I'm aching for someone to share my excitements with, and sharing a home with someone who redirects every communication into a not good enough or an act of racism is poisonous[1].

[1] Latest example: on the weekend I told her I was watching the Games Done Quick stream, which is a charitable event raising money for Médecins Sans Frontières, and her response was to grumble about how awful it is those countries don't look after their own people. Gotta find a way to be negative everywhere, hey?

aesmael: (pangoself)

=== Monday ===

Maybe yesterday's post should have been split in two, to separate out the game talk from the workplace whining. In follow-up to that, it seems the person I was filling in for on Saturday is currently hospitalised. I won't write out my speculations as to why, but I hope she will soon be in good health.

Latest surly rescue-cat is being sick at the moment. Has apparently been vomiting quite a bit. Checking on occasionally for status but mostly when I'm around is just sleeping and keeping to self. Cat's been named Lilly by family (I tend to say Lillith) and hopefully will feel better soon. And not pass on whatever it is to the other cats, who at least are still avoiding em.

Trying to redirect my energy more into doing what I want (projects and fun activities) and journalling, and less into social media. It's difficult. There is a lot of inertial habit to overcome and the blank moments. Especially the gaps between, when there just isn't enough time for me to work on anything at all big.


=== Sunday ===

This is about the time of night where I start to berate myself for wasting the day and my life. I should remember that my goal for the day was to do something creative, and last night I defined playing + streaming Zork as counting for that purpose. And I managed to do that! - [the recording can be found here ""https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kdVQGyphFz8""]. Plus I made a slightly fancy dinner. Anything more complicated than microwaving or sandwich feels like victory there. And I'm writing this, and I played some Go,

So, today has been a good day? Good company and good times with, and accomplished some things that are goals, even if small. Reminding myself of this helps to feel better.

aesmael: (pangoself)

Solitude brings memory and memory brings pain. Today, as has happened before, feeling that so much time has been lost to seeking stimulus, suppressing thought so as not to face hurt, and this must change. Yet, this revolution will not happen. The way of things will persist.

Today at work - an unexpected shift, called at last minute to cover the afternoon - whenever I got moments to myself away from colleagues and from patrons I found myself fighting off sobbing. Maybe this was better than if I had stayed home.

I'm doing a lot of missing, heartsick, not knowing where I stand or what the future might be now. Maybe I don't want to know.

What I've got to do is build the best I can for me, and if I'm lucky find a hoped-for future. If not, at least I will have something?

Keep forgetting to say that I have recently finished a six week stint as the acting weekend supervisor at the library. That position has been varying degrees of vacant for nearly a year ago, when the previous occupant got promoted to fill the role of my previous supervisor, who'd been pushed out by the municipal council. Originally applied for it back in July, was interviewed but didn't get it. Then after that person's term another part-timer was appointed, who for the sake of not giving out names but having referents I will refer to as my rival.

One of the existing weekend staff quit over that, finding it a last straw out of many issues she'd had - she did declare a few times the position ought to have been given to me, but she had plenty of other cause. But, this rival of mine had been working. Anyway, that was a temporary appointment while the library was advertising for someone to fill the role permanently instead of temporarily.

Got interviewed for it but again was not hired. The library picked someone else, who then found a better job and bailed before starting. Then I was asked to fill in as the acting weekend supervisor while the job was re-advertised - rival had left for a better job elsewhere, which I hadn't got my application in on time. That was a real big downer, knowing I was not even third choice for the job and even though management had encouraged me to apply they were explicit about not believing I had the experience. Co-workers were encouraging, however, and kept saying they trust me and I ought to have the job permanently. I worry that just means I'm easy to get around.

Obviously I didn't bother applying for a third time. I just tried my best to do well for the six weeks I had and, since I was being paid at a higher hourly rate for the duration, pick up as many extra shfits as I could. It was a bit of a kick in the gut tho that despite having gotten a full-time, much better paying job elsewhere the rival stayed on as a casual employee to work Saturdays, and both she and first fill-in continued to act as if they were in charge and assigning tasks to other staff. Plus, the former weekend supervisor, now all the way up to acting manager of the entire weekend, came in a couple of weekends and spent an hour or two socialising with the rival, scarcely acknowledging my existence (think I got about a sentence each time).

If this all sounds sulky and resentful I guess it is. Of course, I haven't done anything to earn respect and obedience but at least I got some extra cash out of them and some experience I can put on my CV for future jobs. As much as the rest stung me, that was my goal achieved and now I'm trying to drop right down on taking any additional shifts, to just focus on what I'm hired for and keep the rest of the week for living the best life someone like me can manage.

Still, as disruptive as it was (and I hope this does not recur - I'm no longer on a list for last-minute calls) it was nice to be called in for the Saturday afternoon by the outsider who ultimately did get the weekend supervisor job, and to be relied on. Most of the staff were new, so got to put all that obnoxious brain-wiring that maps work related layouts and protocols to use. It was nice being counted on, being trusted as reliable and authoritative, and I wish I could get that elsewhere in my life.

That's an ongoing struggle and not anything I'm anywhere close to resolving.


On the brighter side of things, the Pathfinder books I ordered have all arrived. The Rise of the Runelords adventure path arrived a week or two earlier so I've had time to go over the first chapter and I guess technically got enough info to start running it already. But I'm worried and wanting to make sure I'm prepared to do my best, so want to first go over resource books offering guidance in running campaigns.

And need to sort out how to go about actually running the thing and any aids to work with. Tess suggests a Discord or Slack server, which should be straightforward enough to accommodate a dynamic flow of play according to how many players are around at a time and how much engagement they have available. But I should sort something out for maps and character tokens, and a more dynamic way of doing digital character sheets than scanning and printing character sheets.

Therefore, the two things I should do are: i) get on with that reading, ii) put some effort into learning about tools which suit my needs, and iii) sorting out players and expectations and doing any teaching how to play which needs doing.

Still, I wrote this. It took a day longer but I wanted to write it and I did. That's moving in the right direction.

aesmael: (nervous)

Note: The following was typed on 2017-06-15

For a long while I've been kicking around the idea of running a Star Wars sequel role-playing campaign using the Pathfinder ruleset and based on a story idea by Ami. Naturally I'd been referring to it as Starfinder until Paizo went and announced a game of that same name which at least should make a more convenient platform for actually playing it out.

And especially lately I've been on enough of an RPG kick to take steps toward actually getting a group together and playing a game. Although not having really played a role-playing game before I'm wanting to try running some published adventures before diving into writing my own story-based campaign.

But I do have some pages of ideas for structuring that Star Wars game over a few seasons of play. And even if intending to use the Starfinder rules to run it means I can't really fully write up adventures for it until those rules are published and available for play, that doesn't mean I can't expand on those notes and craft a skeleton of where it could go and what they might do, who they might meet. In fact I think I ought to do so.

That will make something to work on. And meanwhile I can read up on advice for running and constructing RPG campaigns, and continue trying to organise that group for the Pathfinder Rise of the Runelords adventure path. Mostly want to have fun, and these sorts of games are something I've been interested in most of my life.

Today has been very rough, emotionally, in ways I have dreaded and tried to run from. More than once I have worried about drawing attention by the visible signs of being knocked about.

Somehow, maybe, it turned out okay? Or not okay. Lights shone and conversations had and maybe the outcome is for the better. Maybe, I'm not sure, the outcome is acknowledging what already was.

And sometimes I feel like things are better now, and sometimes I get bowled over again and sobbing. And I don't know what the future will be like. But I have hopes, blended with melancholia.
aesmael: (probably quantum)

On my drive home tonight I was listening to an episode of ABC Radio's All in the Mind program, an episode called "Placenta Brain: the cognitive burden of pregnancy?". Amid all the talk of whether being pregnant induces cognitive impairment[1], this exchange struck me as relevant from an autistic perspective.

Mary Ann Stark: We all use both voluntary and involuntary attention and the involuntary attention - or what we call fascination - is where you can't help but be attracted to a certain stimuli. For example, thunder and lightening are something that we all just pause and stop, it's fascinating. Then there's another type of attention that's called directed attention, is what I've chosen to call it, and so have some others such as Kaplan and Semprich - but the directed attention is the kind of attention that really requires effort. That's what we have to use to listen carefully, as someone's explaining directions to us.

Abbie Thomas: It's like when I'm trying to sort of tell my husband about what we're doing on the weekend, he has to really concentrate and block out the fact that he wants to go and so some model railway work.

Mary Ann Stark: Or you know a football game on TV might be a little bit more interesting too and more fascinating. But you do use both of those types of attention and their appropriate at different times for different reasons. But what happens especially in our very fast paced lives is we tend to use directed attention a lot. We use it consistently and it's one of those things that because we're blocking out the distractions around us requires a lot of effort. And if we continually use it, it tends to fatigue. Well one of the ways that you can kind of give directed attention a break is to just do the things that are fascinating and that's what nature does. It allows us opportunities to just become fascinated with what's going on around us, and then when we have to use that directed attention again we're a little bit more refreshed and restored, so that we can block out the distractions that we need to block out in order to continue driving and following the map or whatever the example is we might use.

[1] The conclusion I took from the episode is that this effect may be an illusion brought on by stereotyped expectation, along with possibly the amplified load of trying to continue living while also preparing large life changes. But that is more or less what I expected to be the case going in, and biases being confirmed merits some suspicion.

This is a test post!


... if you're seeing this, the LogJam LJ client is functioning and I haven't managed to make it stop.
aesmael: (nervous)
 

Keep starting rambling journal entries with the intention of posting them, and they keep getting away or being abandoned for having lost relevance. Before this one suffers the same fate, as it is in strong danger of, I shall morph it into a bullet point list of what is going on in my life currently.

  • The government is trying to balance the budget by clawing back money from welfare recipients, so they contacted me to the effect of claiming I owe them more than $900 from 2012.

  • Filed an appeal – luckily I had all my payslips still – but since that information is in my favour rather than theirs they're taking a couple of weeks to get back to me, instead of instantaneous like before.

  • Done so badly at university this year they're kicking me out.

  • Filed an appeal on that too, and also waiting on the response.

  • Gathering information for that appeal meant collecting psych assessments my GP had been holding onto from several years back, and reading those was so distressing it nearly rendered me too non-functional to actually attach them and lodge the appeal

  • Plus it wasn't fun getting the vibe from my GP when I explained the situation, though he didn't say so, “you're a bit childish and TBH you deserve this”

  • I wasn't kidding in what I wrote in that appeal about struggling at work. Feels like I'm reaching or have reached limits of what I can balance and focus. Which might be okay if it paid me enough to support myself on.

  • Car's cost me $900 in repairs over the past week, and I'm passing on another $1500+ that it needs in favour of admitting it really does need to be replaced, although this will cost even more.

  • I just can't get out of here soon enough to feel comfortable taking the risk.

  • The book I'm reading is good though.

  • I'm scared, always. Still trying not to let myself think, to keep that at bay.

  • I hope

aesmael: (writing things down)
 Misting rain smudges trees and grass, bringing solitary grey to their greens and yellows. Faintly from ceiling above, thunder promises more to come.
aesmael: (nervous)
 Been cleaning up my living space the past few weeks and feeling proud of the progress I've made, though I'm a long way yet from being finished. Would share Before and In Progress photos except for not having a working phone at present and consequently no working camera.

Accumulated a lifetime (so far) of detritus and wanting to clean that out and simplify, plus the added mess and trash that comes from being just plain bad at looking after myself. The goal of being easily and cheaply relocatable is probably entirely out of reach, as lacking foresight I've accumulated too many books for that and refuse to part with many. I will get as close as I can.

There is so much I can probably do without, and nearly as much I won't miss if it's gone, if I can persuade myself to be rid of it.

Looking forward to feeling less trapped.
 
aesmael: (writing things down)
 Grief and getting over people are on my mind recently. When people die, or are lost from your life, our culture hasn't given me much to get to grips with that but time.
 
Time helps but I do not think it is a complete answer. There must be techniques for processing absences in ways healthier than others. Coming to terms with non-existence, accepting lost possibilities. Having memories + associations good and bad without being undone by them. Self-directed guilt and blame about feelings and their performance.
 
Maybe there really is no such thing, or my understanding so lacking I don't even comprehend what I am talking about. Of course we could always add more time but that is going to happen anyway until I die.
 
Our stories say there are healthy and unhealthy ways of dealing with loss and continuing in our lives. But so far I can't recall actual substantive advice about how to distinguish or switch between.
 
"Talk things out", "think of good times instead of bad" or "lots of people react like that, it doesn't mean you're a bad person" are probably good seeds but they are neither trees nor orchards. I want to know about the soil, the sunlight, the water and fertiliser. What creatures devour the roots and which are here to frolic or nibble peaceably?
aesmael: (haircut)
In my dreams last night I was a woman, which is rare enough, albeit one as naive and awkward about it as my waking self.

In these dreams I also had a brief career in astronomy, in a system where publication is so compulsory that, for lack of anything more suitable, astronomical digests will scoop up and compile whatever incidental writings on the topic they can find - I thereby became scandalously known for my use of the word cunt in the literature, and there was some pressure for a more erudite, intentionally reasoned follow-up (i.e. that I write something actually intended for publication).

Surprisingly nice compared with my usual dreamings. Feeling wistful and wondering what I did to get such undreadful images in my sleeping self. Perhaps I'd like to interpret this as a message of hope or encouragement.
aesmael: (probably quantum)
Lately the navigation function of Google Maps has taken to showing a little report at the end, information like travel time, distance covered, average speed. I find this very neat and interesting, but dislike how how much it seems oriented toward covering itself and maintaining a positive presentation.

If I arrive earlier than its forecast it will say "arrived X minutes earlier than predicted" or similar. But for days like today, it will just say "1 hr 25 min driving"[1] without that extra "arrived 28 minutes later than predicted" that I feel it could really benefit from.

Worse, if I  took the app up on a faster route suggestion during travelling (as happened one morning driving to work), but still arrive later than the initial forecast, it will say "saved X minutes due to using [this tool]". Now, I don't doubt in that specific case that time was saved over not taking the suggested detour. But it still feels dishonest for a navigation app to be reporting only on the time saved due to following its directions and not giving a more complete report. Even on factors outside its control, although I'd expect it to report if its advice turned out to be incorrect.

Something like "Delayed M minutes by congestion, but cut that down to N minutes later than forecast thanks to our advice" would be much more welcome than this silence, which seems to expect me not to notice happenings like, say, a motor accident causing a half hour delay on travel time. It leaves me feeling like Google thinks it's pulling a fast one on me, or regards itself as a naughty child who won't be punished if it just doesn't mention the broken vase. Maybe I'm uncharacteristic, but what I want out of tools and features like this is information, understanding, and clarity.

[1] Quotes are approximate, from memory.

aesmael: (it would have been a scale model)
 If I were inclined to write fanfic rather than 'original' stories, would people like my stories more? If they had some prior investment and interest in the characters and what they get up to?

But this train of thought is rapidly derailed by the reminder that unless I actually write stories, no one is going to have opinions on them no matter whether they hypothetically would be fanfiction or not. So I should worry about making words happen at all before I worry whether and how people like them.

It also gives a bit of a lie to telling myself it's just me and what I want that I write, and the enjoyment of others is incidental. Probably the resolution to that conflict is I want to write things that please me, and for others to also tell me it's good.

 
aesmael: (haircut)
 EXT. The Fields of Pelennor

The Witch Queen: "Fool. No living man may hinder me."

Eowyn: "But no living man am I! You look upon a woman."

The Witch Queen: "Then, hinder me."

They kiss passionately.
aesmael: (haircut)
Went clothes shopping with my mother and sisters. Ended up getting a couple of shirts, a skirt, and a big woolly sweater, 3 items of which am currently wearing. Family had wanted to go see a movie, specifically Absolutely Fabulous, but it was no longer showing. I'm a bit relieved by that as it's quite not my thing although I would have gone for the sake of being social. Siblings also got some clothes, as did my mother, but the latter turned down a lot of things we thought would have looked nice on her.

Been worried about taking the time out away from school when I'm in such dire circumstances, but it's rare enough to get some non-awful social time I chose to take the time and opportunity.

aesmael: (transformation)
Ordinary household items sometimes sound like monsters because they are base from which audio technicians build the illusions of monsters.
aesmael: (probably quantum)

Haven't had much space to write in. Work has been keeping me busy (when I finish tomorrow and finally get a few days off, I will have been working for 22 of 26 days) and I am so behind on school I've been trying to put all my home energies into that. Been neglecting story-writing, cooking and cleaning, personal projects, near any entertainment I can't leave in the background without demanding focus. Not that it does me much good. Still behind, possibly even farther behind than I was.

Until the end of the month when the last of this work is due. Then, either way, I might be a little more free.

Today impulsively decided to try and drop social media at least until I am finished with this semester. An act which had been on my mind recently but I'd concluded I couldn't go through with. That I am too lonely in myself and my current circumstances to go through with it, and it is not a goal I can succeed until some lack in my life has been resolved.

So I don't know why I did that this morning (in pain I guess?), but I did not promise to vanish. Just declared I am trying to minimise my presence on twitter and tumblr at least until I have school out of the way. They are too easily habits of constant distractive stimulus and while that can be valuable when I need to escape myself, I definitely need to do my best to not fail these classes. Which means I also can't go replacing them with something of similar distractive quality, such as the RSS feeds I've been neglecting to read.

Actually the reason I wanted to write this post is to describe a couple of similar happy moments at the library today. Twice I had someone contact me trying to get hold of a book they had reserved. In both cases I went to look for it for them and returned empty-handed. One was a novel supposedly held in the Premiere's Reading Challenge collection, which I had been searching for yesterday to satisfy that hold. Did have a new inspiration about where to find it that got me nowhere, and tried looking up a few other libraries for its seeker to no avail. Not too long after ey left, though, whilst shelving I found the novel wedged into the picture book where someone must have stuffed it days ago at least. Tried calling to let em know, as ey'd said it was needed soon, but no answer and no option to leave a message.

The other was a phone call from someone expecting a book in delivery within the network. Ey had been advised to check today, as this reservation had supposedly been in transit the past three weeks and not yet arrived. Had the spark of checking if it had been received, processed incorrectly, and placed on the shelves instead of to be picked up, but no such luck. There were no other copies in the system, so I advised em it was likely missing and we could not fill that request, cancelling it with consent.

But, after my tea break in the afternoon, I found it sitting in one of the boxes to sent back to its home next delivery. I am fairly sure it was not there earlier, and I can't trace how it came to be there, but I put the hold back on and set it on the shelf to be collected. Although now my memory tells me I set it on the wrong shelf - it will be easily found for collection, but it will need to be brought back to the desk where it should be, instead of taken for self-checkout, where it shouldn't be.

Oops. But two people will get notified overnight they can collect something they thought was unavailable to them, and maybe they can think it was a bit silly of me to tell them there was nothing to be done when clearly there must have been. But I hope they get good use out of those books.

aesmael: (just people)

Something I forgot to mention in my previous post, which carried over to the following two days, is that it seemed I got to do most of the front desk library work by myself. Everyone I was paired with seemed to have other things to do, on other floors or otherwise inaccessible, for much of my shifts. It was busy enough, but not too busy, so this suited me fine.

I wonder sometimes if I prefer working alone to working with others, and worry that I talk little enough to make the other staff resent working with me. Think I tend to be politely responsive though, even if I would rather not.

Today and tomorrow are the first pair of consecutive days off work I've had since April 14 and 15 and I feel very relieved to have some time for myself. Or sort of for myself. I'm doing terribly at school and trying my best to catch up, although it is difficult to keep focused enough. Only so much I can get done in any single day before I run out of attention or start hating myself too much to keep going. Which is why for the last hour tonight I'm typing this instead of pushing through another two chapters of two different textbooks. I do need to go faster though, or, I don't know, accept failure and lay down?

Today was also interrupted by a long-awaited consultation about getting wisdom teeth extracted. Was supposed to have that last week but they had to postpone because the doctor was in surgery (kind of a worrying reason, I guess?). Got it finally done today and relieved to find I only need one of the four wisdom teeth removed. The others seem to be behaving well enough.

Still very nervous but it will be nice not to have pain along one side of my mouth. Will need to contact them to arrange a date, and to choose between having it done under local anaesthetic, sedation, or under general anaesthetic at a hospital. That is going to be a tough choice, although the people at the surgery seem to favour the middle option, sedation.

Tomorrow I get to just be home. A rare treat which I hope I will get to enjoy, although I need to make sure to get as much schoolwork done as I can. I miss doing more focused fun activities but I can't afford to while I'm so far behind. Telling myself if I can catch up on school I'll be able to relax again, and hoping I don't waste my chance.

Wore a tank top there, and despite on the cancellation call having been asked about my name and if it should be Ms rather than Mr, got misnamed and misgendered anyway. Part of that possibly my 'fault', in that they checked with me about what name to use in communicating back to my regular dentist, who has not been told about the change of name. I'd been prepared when I last visited to collect my referral, but they said they didn't have need for any of the information I'd brought, so it did not come up despite my expecting it to.

Would like to muse more, but trying to store up those thoughts as for now I only feel to have enough time for writing down things that happened, and not so much the meandering thoughts those happenings inspire.

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aesmael

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